The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For me it has taken a very long time to let the past go. It festered within my soul for many years, and ate at my well being. I would sit for hours on end and try to reinact a scenario which happened while my AH was here, and how I could have changed the event. I blamed myself for years for "his" drinking and problems, and although I couldnt put my finger on it, I automatically assumed it was something I did to create this chaos and madness. I didnt feel worthy of anyone and a failure as a wife/mother/daughter/sister/aunt/friend/. This is what this disease does to us. My A used to turn things around and put the blame on me somehow, and I believed him, and the guilt was unbearable for me. Getting rid of the guilt feelings about the past is one of the hardest things I had to endure. With the help of alanon, and keep repeating the 3 C's.... You did not Cause it.........You cannot Control it....You cannot Cure it. It helped me to start living in a more positive way, and to start living just for today, and keep the focus on today, and especially on myself! I realized in alanon, that I cared enough about myself to let the past go, leave it where it is, and move forward, and be thankful for the little things that each day presents me, and not dwell in the past, nor worry about the future. I also learned that I am not responsible for anothers life, nor take care of another who doesnt want to be taken care of. The only person I can take care of is me, myself and I. Today I realize no matter how hard I try to change the past, I cannot , it is futile trying to rehash things over and over again. As for the future I have no chrystal ball, I do not know what will happen. For today I know I will put myself first and foremost, because if I take care of myself I will be a better person for everyone around me. I want to be my own best role model, and I do have a purpose in life, and face each day as it comes. The question I ask you is do YOU care enough about yourself to make changes in your life?
I am starting to care enough about myself, and it's coming sure but fast, I know I am more aware of what's happened to me now and why I got so crushed, I'm having great difficulty living in the now though, I struggle because I project things happening because thats what I have alway's done in my alcoholic marriage, although my husband is not active in his drinking now, he is still very difficult to communicate with if at all, which causes frustration on both sides, I don't know how to or if I ever will find an easy way to cope with this. So yes I think I am finding the courage to change and I'm doing it as much for my children as for myself.
As always a thought provoking post. I like to think that when I look back at my past there are lessons and reminders to be learned and relearned. But I try not to dwell on the past. What's done is done, nothing I can do to change it. As for the future, hubby and I are both guilty about projecting too far into the future. Luckily we have each other to keep things in check when one of us gets too far out. We help keep each other balanced. I try and work hard at reminding myself that I don't know what's going to happen until it really happens. So why waste the energy worrying about what might be. The future will be here soon enough. I need to live in the moment, and enjoy it. Carpe diem!
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I guess with me I think what's best for me isn't best for my children. That's where my trouble still lies. We live the best we can each day but I can't help but to think about the future because it's my children's future and I only want what's best. This is a though provoking post......(made my brain hurt )
Thanks for this post gardengal. Your's was the first post I read on this board over 2 years ago and even though you were going through difficult times, I noticed the grace and serenity in your words. There was a time when caring about myself was second nature, didn't even think about it. This has disappeared over the years and I am re-learning now to care enough to do the hard work required to change. Regards
