The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The girls had their dance recital last night. It was my 4 year old's first one. Their father didn't show. I didn't know what to expect. He has called a friend of mine and asked her about times for the show. Which means he is respecting my boundry of not contacting me directly. Last I told him was to get a lawyer and have the lawyer contact me regarding visitation. That will probably never happen as he works but has no money. Refuses to pay child support. And if he goes thru the courts to see the kids he will be forced to pay all the arears and regular support. I am still feeling pretty sad this morning. I remember how bad it hurt when my dad didn't show up to my recitals. I got used to it but to this day there is the little girl in me who is still crying and confused and feeling very unloved. I don't know what to do about this anymore. I don't know if I should just give in and go back to enabling him to be a dad for the sake of the kids. But he wants this new woman to be involved in their lives and I refuse to let that happen at this point. She lost custody of her kids. She maybe sober but she is not sane. And neither is he. On top of that I can't handle it. Since he was with me twice while he is "IN love" with her and came knocking on MY door when he had again hit a depression wall looking for me to fix it, not her. I don't trust him to be able to take care of our kids emotionally. He is all about himself. I thought last night that he really believes that a couple of months of meetings and being there for the kids was susficient ammends to me and the kids and that was done so he could just move on. HA! He abandoned these kids more than ever having been there for them and he was just beginning to gain their trust back and bam he's gone again. Selfish BAstard. It's a disease I know but that doesn't mean I don't have to be mad. And yes, when my dad was dying of cancer, I was pissed. I was pissed that he had it, was dying of it, leaving me when I needed him most. So, I don't care that he has a disease, I am still mad. At him.
I guess I just continue what I have been doing which is nothing and let him make the next move. In the meantime the kids aren't suffereing as much as I am. They are used to his inconsistency, they don't have the "It should be, or we wanted itto be..." in their head like I have in mine. And there is just no logical reason for him to be doing what he is doing. His love for his kids should be greater tha his love for anyone else including himself at this point. BUt he was not raised well, he was not loved unconditionally, he does not have the parenting skills. He used to want to be a good dad but the brain damage kind of killed that desire I think.
Me! What about me? I am sad, and mad and all the things I have been for months now. Y'all know. Am I stuck? I don't know if I am keeping myself here in these feelings or if it just where I have to be to get to the next place which I pray is better than right now. I am so very, very lonley. I keep turning down dates and "friendships" as I know I am not ready. All I can talk about is him and my anger or sadness. Not exactly a barrel of laughs or very attractive.....At the same time I am so longing for arms to comfort me, a shoulder to cry on, a kiss to make it better.....I love my alanon friends but I don't want to kiss them LOL!!!
Serendipity, what is your sponsor saying about all of this? Are you getting to meetings?
I can see you so unhappy, in this stew of emotions from the past. You can get past this, with the help of the program, but some actual work needs to be done. Slogans, support and encouragement can only go so far - at some point the steps need to be worked, and the long hard look at ourselves has to be taken.
This is not "The Alcoholic Show" with you as his sidekick. This is your one and only life. You don't have to wait for him to make the next move, you can make any move YOU want, towards the life that you want.
I agree with lin, I don't have a sponsor right now either, kinda gave up on the live one. I haven't done the self inventory but I know what part I played in this segment of my life and I think I see pretty clearly. I know there is work to be done. I see you obsessing on things that you can't control. You have some issues of your own from childhood to work through, don't think that because you experienced them a certain way that your children will experience them the same. Kids are resilient! You being stuck isn't helping you or them! It's ok to be mad but not to be resentful...I think you are still holding on to resentment. To me mad is...ok you did something stupid, sucks for you...my life goes on and I'm mad but not obsessed - my life doesn't revolve around you...when you're resentful it goes more like this - obsess, obsess, obsess, don't think about or do anything else, keeps popping into my mind every few minutes because I can't accept the fact that you didn't do what I wanted you to. That's what it comes down to, I think we have to accept that we don't know what is our destiny or theirs. We have to let go of the wanting to control their destiny and recognize that even our own is not in our control but we can work toward something better. When we realize that we are completely powerless to change another and that maybe what they are doing is for their own destiny and needs to be done even if we don't like it, then we can get to the point where we accept it as, for lack of a better term, the will of god (HP). We may not like what they are doing but it may have to happen for one reason or another. The only thing you can do is live your life, try to make it the best it can be and let him figure out his own without having to hear what you think he should be doing. I think once we become mamas this gets harder because we are used to controlling but he's an adult and you have enough to worry about~!
Serendipity, When I obsess and try to control the past I get stuck and prevent myself from living the best life for me. If I don't fully accept an ending to a relationship or what someone else does or doesn't do, I find myself creating my own misery. My ex and I went through a very bitter breakup, but we took the necessary steps to communicate directly with each other about our child. We did what was best for our child and left our feelings about each other out of the picture. It was difficult at times, but our child's happiness came first because they love both parents no matter who did what. My mother tried incessantly to instill hatred for my father after she left him for his womanizing and drinking. It backfired one day when I realized she hated him more than she loved me. I wound up hating her. She tried to teach me to hate instead of love. I knew I did not want to teach my children to hate anyone, so I had to take the necessary steps to douse the flame of resentment. Through Alanon meetings, the steps, journaling, and self-reflection I was able to let go of everything that was holding me down because it was only me that was doing the holding down. I chose to let it begin with me.
