The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You all know my story with the recovering A in my life... Well, to me It has been cat and mouse games...To him It's not, (bla bla). Anyway, I am no longer texting him, In the way I once did. I have been detaching from him, "Little by Little", but not quite ready to let go of him. Anyway he made contact with me on Friday, after five days of nothing from me. he wanted to see me, So, we met up, and talked, and talked, and debated..lol. At one point he said to me "oh see you's ******* Alanoners.......lol, I loved that. That to me means, he is no longer In control of the b/s he feeds me. He knows I'm working my programme, and am learning the lingo..lol
He said to me, "I have not had a drink since, bla bla, I said, no, but you still have all the "ISMS"...He shook his head and laughed...Of course, that was an open invitation for me to let him have It..lol. (which, I most certainly did In Ally fashion)...lol
So, after a few hours of going back, getting answers from eachother, we both decided we had been doing okay In the relationship we had, until he saw me changing, and wanting more from him, and he got scared. We talked about how I have changed, how I have lost the obsessive way with him, how I no longer wish to control him.
By this time the air was electric, and we were sussing eachother out. And then I said to him, It's went quiet, what r u thinking about... He replied.."That frist drink"....lol Meaning, should he walk away from me, or stay. I said to him, Oh, You mean your will or gods will, he said "Thats the one".....
Then he looked at me and said, You win..lol So we got intimate and It was lovely, being held again, feeling wanted, laughing with eachother, sharing thoughts with eachother.
Now I know you are all going to be saying "Oh Ally". But It Is all different today. I am feeling as good, as I have been. I have NOT text him, I am NOT obsessing over what happened. My new outlook Is. "Just for today" It happened. We both wanted It to happen. We made no promises, no expectations. We can live "one day at a time". Last night I went out to f2f, he stayed home.
I have listened to people's e,s & h, for months on this situation. And I appreciate they are only trying to stop me from getting hurt. But on the other side of the coin. Me and this guy, obviously have a great bond between us, going back 20 years. It has taken us 6 years to get to where we are.
So what If he cannot commit, So what If he's scared. Do we really need a comittment. He is working, I am working. He has his meetings,(he is back at them, woohoo), I have mine. He has his friends, I have mine. He has no interest In any other woman, I have no interest In any other man.
We are both working a programme, for 24hrs only. And If we can enjoy that day, and share time with eachother, have the intimacy, the cuddles, the shared conversations. Right now In our lives, I feel thats where we are supossed to be.
We discussed yesterday why things happen for a reason. Who knows why this Is happening for us. Yes It Is physical, I am not that nieve, but It's what we both want right now. (we have not been physical for 4 months) We are both quite reserved In that department..lol Was a few years before we had been intimate with anyone, for both of us.
I know I have been hurt by him In the past, I know I have hurt him too. But we keep comming back to this place. We trust eachother, are still comfortable after all that has happened. Most people would be hating eachother right now, not speaking. Not us....lol
So, "Just for today", I will accept this for what It Is. A friendship. I am NOT expecting anything at all from this, Not dreaming of a rosey future between us. I have grown up, can admit I lost It big time with him. I am no longer as cody towards him as I once was. And he can see the change.
And Also, this time he came back to me, I did not do the chasing....lol
Life Is too short, most of my life has been about some kind of pain, Avoidance, hiding from Relationships. So, I am happy with who I am becomming, I am happy with my daily life. My attitude to my job has changed. I no longer go to work dreading it. I now say to myself "Ally, It's gonna be a good or bad day, depending on your attitude, and what you chose to make of this day"..... I'm loving my programme, my friends @f2f and @ Mip.
I have a whole new family now, this guy no longer comes first in my life, my priority Is ME.... He has been knocked off his pedestal, from being way up high, he now sits about knee level..lol
"Life can suck, or Life can be brilliant" What One, will you choose "Just for today".
Only you know what Ally needs at any given moment. There should never be an "ohhh, Ally" from this crowd, that crowd, or even the internal crowd. That was my battle -- for way too long I have GUILTED MYSELF after indulging in some sort of luxury. To quit beating myself up (mentally/emotionally) has been one of the biggest cornerstones of my program.
Take a deep breath-
It is always good to feel love-
I find it in this room and my "live" afg everyday-
Happy thoughts and my love to you, Yours in recovery cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Seems to me that the place you want to get to is one where your actions are advancing your happiness.
So, it doesn't matter to *me* whether or not he can commmit - I can certainly understand a 'just for today' view. The important thing here - the only really important part - is whether it matters to YOU. Are you telling yourself lies in order to justify doing something you want to do, or are you speaking your own truth?
If you are facing reality, and saying "Yep, that's reality and I can live with it" then I can't see getting anything here but support. If you are saying "I don't like reality, so I'm going to pretend that something entirely different is going on" then you should (and will) be called on it - that is what the program is for.
For what it is worth, my own personal take on this is that 'true love and committment'are highly over rated. I'm getting to be an old woman now, and have had a lot of sweet moments in my life, and whether the guy went on to 'love me forever' didn't really have a lot to do with the sweetness, in the end. That's me, though. If that is not your reality, you are not doing yourself any good if you just pretend that it is.
oh (((Ally))) girl, I know exactly how you feel....and I am happy for you. To have a few hours or moments of peace with the one we care about, well, who care about tomorrow, right? Who even knows what tomorrow will bring? Enjoy the moments! I, too, miss the physical intimacy with my AH. And I treasure every second it happens, which isn't often. He is the only man I want, and I have felt that way for many years. This is my 5th marriage,(and need I say LAST!!) but the thought of even being with another man repulses me! Ally, I think we must be twins separated at birth, on different continents! And (except for your A being sober), our A's must be twins, as well. There are some differences, such as my A having a lot of anger, but the emotional distance they crave is the same. You and I, we want closeness, tenderness, being held...etc. Only you know what is good for you......we all need touch and human companionship. That is what I miss a lot in my AH, we used to have it, not so much anymore since his anger moved in. Wishing you all the best, and keeping you in my prayers, as always, dear friend. Love in Recovery, Becky1
We are all on a journey in life learning. When we stumble, we learn. It is not something to gauge.
I mean in my experience.
In time I realized I wanted all the time I could have with my AH now matter if he used or not. Those times were so precious to me, as the reality is, it gets worse and worse. And in time we don't have them at all anymore. We hope we do, but does not usually come out that way.
IF I could have mine here for a bit, I sure would. But mine is totally brain damaged.
Look at your progress. It is so cool. love,debilyn
