The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in al-anon for a year and a half. I haven't been to a f2f meeting in about 2 or 3 months. I started private therapy because the sponsor I had seems particularly critical. I got tired of telling her about the progress I had made only to be told that it was somehow not enough. My AH and I were supposed to be in counseling together but don't have anyone to watch our child. So we were having to go individually. My husband has been on mood-levellers for about 2 years but has gone into several rages since being put onto the medication. My research showed that aggresive behavior are the possible side effects of the SSRI that he is taking. He is still drinking on the medication (which he isn't supposed to do) But the regular fits of rage he has as well as the mental abuse (he thinks that calling me fat, lazy, a slob, that he hates me, etc. are not a big deal if you say that to someone when you are angry at them. The problem is that he is often angry even when I try toavoid conflict) My hair is falling out I have gained so much weight I was starting to go into depression. We were on our way up to see my mom and buy a car when he flew into a rage in the car. Our child was ony inches away while he is so mad that he is yelling so angrily that he is spitting as he tirades and hitting the dashboard. I tried to repeatedly calm him down and he wouldn't. He finally did but then started talking "to himself" but it was for my benefit to hear about what a horrible, manipulative, and abusive person I am. I asked him several times to please stop and he wouldn't. So I start to hum to drown him out and he starts yelling again. I can't take it anymore and I panicked. I pulled the truck over got out and started walking. he came to pick me up a little bit later but I decided that this was it for me. I didn't feel like making small talk with him and he thought I should just "get over it". That was two weeks ago and I am still at my mother's and he is back home. I have only my overnight bag worth of clothes as this was a unplanned extended stay. I don't want to go through anymore trauma and I don't want my child to go through anymore trauma either. I hate to be a hypocrite and do the thing that I didn't appreciate about my sponsor. But my husband has only been to one counseling appointment since the incident and that was at my urging. He went to one treatment facility also at my urging but was uninterested because it is 12 step based. He has no plans to stop drinking either. He is all jazzed about some program called Maintenance Management. I talked with his former addiction counselor and he said that program was BS. My AH was supposed to come for a visit this weekend, but changed his mind when I asked if he could postpone his arrival time by 3 hours so I could have another family member there. I only see that behavior as more of a sign to his instability. If I hadn't seen my child for two weeks, I would do anything it took to be there. Am I being too controlling?
Did I hear you correctly you DO have your child right? I have been through this type of abuse myself dear, and they WILL not change until they are ready to, if ever. Get legal counsel at once and possibly a protective order if he is still bothering you. I had to do both of these things and call the cops because my husbands rage went into self-abusive behavior and they put him in a state mental hospital for awhile.
I stayed in the marriage 8 more years after the first incident, which occured not because of drinking, but the resurfacing of childhood abuse on my husband's part by his dad. Severe sexual, physical, mental, and spiritual abuse for his entire childhood. It was very sad to end the relationship. I tried for 8 years like I said to go to counseling, with everyone attennding at various stages and various levels of interest. The ones least interested were the ones that perpetrated the abuse of course.
Since the seperation and the divorce, my ex-husband does not depend on me anymore to fix his problems and has had to face his own ghosts. It was a drastic step and I wish I had taken it earlier, because now I have secondary PTSD from having lived with this problem for so long.
I not saying your situation is the same as mine, or that you need to leave your husband. Those are your choices. But please do get legal counsel for yourself and counseling. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thinkmink, your post touches the soul of my being. I am sorry you and your dear child are subject to this outrageous behavior. I think a person who rages is the most dangerous of people, because they lose all control. I certainly would want to get myself and my child away from the harm that is being caused and the potential harm raging can bring. I am afraid I would not be able to stand for that sort of "carrying on," and would have myself and my child as far removed from that abuse as I could.
Are you too controlling? No, I don't think so. Sounds like you are employing your AlAnon knowledge. How old is your child? Old enough to understand what is going on with father? Old enough to be in a program?
I send you my positive energy and my prayers. I wish you well. Take care of you and your child. Hand him over to his HP.
With deep caring and concern,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
It sounds like you are setting boundaries, not controlling him. I hope and pray you keep you and your child safe. Do you have a domestic violence shelter in your area? I know they offer services that may help you and your child at this time. I've known others who have been helped this way. It's difficult not to focus on the alcoholic while this is going on, but please keep the focus on you and your child. My prayers are with you and your child at this time.
Anything that you do to protect yourself and your child is not being controlling, it is being responsible and loving. It doesn't have to be physical abuse to be something you need to be protected against- if you don't want to be bullied (which is what he is doing) you don't have to be.
Where the control comes in is when you are telling him what HE needs to do, rather than doing what YOU need. So, if you say "I don't want to live with you while your anger is out of control, and I will need to see some proof that it is before I discuss coming home" you are not telling him what to do, you are saying what you will do. Then you leave him alone until he either does it, or shows conclusively that he won't, and make your decisions from there. You are not telling him HOW to get his anger under control, you are not telling him to stop drinking, you are not telling him anything except where your boundaries lie.
Remember, he has choices too - he can choose to stop abusing you.
