The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had my end of the year performance tonight. My oldest daughter danced and I danced ( I am a teacher there and the teachers and the advanced kids always do a finale dance). My youngest sister in law is one of my most talented students. So, my ex in laws were there. I saw my ex mil in the hallway before the show and I looked at her and then looked away. She, ofcourse, said "hi how are you?" And when she realized that I was just going to completly ignore her she said "well nice talking to you too!" I just continued on my way. I think I could have handled it better but I have so much going on that I didn't even bother to prepare myself for her and her whatever. She has not spoken to me, called me etc for years so why pretend? Why bother being fake? I despise her and her vicitim mentality. I hate what she has done to my family and I do not want her involved in my life at all. It is a shame that we have to see each other at all. Then, my sil, the one who is fully in support of my ex ah not being on meds for the bi polar and LOVES his newest girlfriend, who is an alcoholic and bi polar as well, comes walking down the hall and I didn't even recognize her so I smiled and she started to say hello and I just looked away. I have no idea how to handle these situations. And they were all over my kids. My youngest doesn't even know who they are. It is just such a sick dysfunctional situation. I am clueless as to how to handle it. My grandmother inlaw came over and my mil said right to me " MOM wants to say hi " I gave her a hug. She is an old woman and has no clue as to what has gone on. So what do I do? I have to do it all again tomarrow night.
The other piece of disturbing news was my friend told me that my ex called her to find out about the shows. What time etc. She felt very akward because he has never called her before and she was unsure of what was going on between us. He didn't show up. I can't figure out why he would call her when his whole family was there and had the info. He could have just asked them.....Maybe he'll show tomarrow. I hope not.
There was a reading in one of our books that said something along the lines of ignoring a problem will not make it go away. That is kind of what I have been tyring to do. Avoid and ignore. I am just not strong enough yet to deal with this like a grown up or with compassion. I feel like I have done that for years and it got me nothing. It got the kids nothing. We got abandonded and abused. I am sick of being the nice person who no one cares about. I don't know y'all. I don't think it's right but I don't know how else to do it.
Hi Serendipity , we are polite and respectful even to those who don't have enough brains to return what is given to them , we do it for us . so that u ahve no guilt or shame about the way YOU behaved . Some people have neither principles nor personalitites but we dont have to be one of them. Louise In our just for today pamphlet there is one tht goes like this . Just for today I will not show anyone that my feelings have been hurt. I will not react to anothers thoughtlessness. Louise
This is the kind of situation where I thank god there are rules in life - all you do is follow the rules.
When faced with someone whom you know but no longer want to continue a relationship with (no matter what kind of relationship, no matter how you knew them) you are cool but civil. "Hello, how are you" without a smile is perfectly acceptable, keeps you on the high road, but also keeps you from actually having to speak to the person. If the person has offended you to the point that you simply cannot be expected to be civil (and this is usually reserved for direct actions, not just disagreeing on something) you cut them - just look right through them as if you didn't see them, or as if they were a complete stranger. This will be taken as an insult, which is why you don't do it unless there is no possibility of ever wanting any kind of future relationship with these people.
Myself, I firmly believe in the high road. It costs you nothing to be civil, and it makes you look good. These people are your children's family - they may not be a good family, but unless they put your children in some danger, it is probably better to preserve the appearance of civility.
Ultimately it is about what feels better to you, and that you are powerless over whether they show up in a public place that you are also at. I find that I do what I can to just be too busy to have to socialize and when it is unavoidable be civil and quickily move on. I prefer not to be held hostage by my resentments and anger so I have to pray about it until I can handle it.
