The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time on the board. I am new to Al-Anon as well. I learned in February that my 18-year-old daughter is an addict. She completed a 30-day program in April and has done well until last Thursday night when she called to say that she was drunk and couldn't drive home. I haven't heard from her since and I am scared and heartbroken. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
I don't know what to say. It is always so sad when this happens, probably because we have such high hopes that when those hopes are dashed, we are devastated.
I am glad you found this haven where all of us share a thing in common, and all are understanding.
I will keep you and daughter in my prayers and positive thoughts.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Welcome lkj! I sure get a lot out of this forum, and I hope you do to.
You'll hear this one over and over again . . . the loved one of an alcoholic is in a hard position, we can't "make" them quit, or "make them" realize what they are doing to themselves. The nature of the disease (or whatever it is) prevents the most heartfelt attempts to get through to them. Most of us keep trying anyway, but have to admit defeat.
In the meantime our own lives have been affected. Constant worry and preoccupation with the alcoholics behavior and our fear for them starts wearing away at our own lives. Alanon is about repairing that damage for ourselves. I have experienced intense frustration and rage with my A husband to the point I became depressed and nonfunctional. Taking the focus off of him and back to what I need to do for me has made me more able to "deal" with whatever is going on without sinking into the pit.
We indirectly "assist" their recovery by refusing to prevent them from experiencing the consequences of their alcoholism, be it injury, humiliation, loss of job, jail or prison, and sadly, even their death. Your daughter has been to treatment, and in spite of her behavior and words, she "knows". Many young people (and old ones :D) do not get sober right away, have to go through it again, and again sometimes.
So advice is best given in terms of YOU taking care of yourself by attending the meetings, coming here to post anything, or vent your feelings, and educate yourself as much as possible via the 12 step literature. There is good non 12 step literature as well. The point is Alanon puts the focus on YOU and what you need, as we believe we cannot change, cure or cause the alcoholism in our loved ones.
Sadly, there isn't much you can do since she is 18 and makes her own choices. You can let your addict know you care and maybe help take her to meetings or find meetings for her but in the end SHE has to want to get help. You have to make sure your taking care of yourself and not enabling her. Keep coming here and going to al-anon meetings to learn more. It's not something that is going to be fixed over night. It comes with time and patience. I'm sorry you are scared and heartbroken I think everyone on this board has felt or is feeling that way. It's just one of the horrible things addicts do to the one's that love them most. Your in my prayers.
My son is a addict, he has been through treatment 2X's. I do know that after his second trip his program seems a bit stronger and his commitment way stronger. My daughter is an addict too, she has been to treatment once and has relapsed. She did not go through treatment again but she is sober today. My son was around 18 and my daughter 20 when this was going on with them. Not much you can do legally at that age. They are considered adults.
I really have to remember the 3C's with these two...we didn't cause it, we cant cure it and we can't control it. My only suggestion would be get to a face to face meeting and get some real time support for you. I know before I got there I thought "this is killing me" and considering my health at the time, it more than likely was.
Looking back, athought I was disappointed with the relapses, it was the best thing for both of them. I think they must of needed reminding of where they didn't want to be.
Get busy on taking care of you. I know I sure needed alanon's help. I don't want to go back to how I was before I got here. Learn to take care of you lkj. Believe it or not, you can be happy whether your daughter is using or not.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing, we care! ((((((lkj)))) <----cyber hug
Am sorry about your daughter , glad u found this site and continue your f2f meetings talk it out with others who have been there too . I always forgot that our loved ones had a Higher Power too and that He would take them where they needed to go . Let go and Let God is not easy , Detach with love and accept that the only person u have control over is yourself and your attitude about what is going on . good luck Louise Just love her .
I am so sad for you both. Having a child who is an addict is horrible. We are naturally wanting to nurture them, and that is the worst thing we can do.
I agree with Abbyal. She knows what AA is. If she ever wants help bad enough, she will find her way there totally on her own. If we do anything we take that chance away from her, to take care of herself.
She has to take all the steps to find meetings and get herself there. Believe me, as hard as they work to find drugs, they can find help easily.
Alanon meetings in your city would help you lots. There is a lot of literature too that is wonderful.
Al Anon is more than teaching us to deal with loving an A. It also turns us into better people. The skills will change your life.
Welcome to the MIP family. You are not alone in your journey of recovery.
My heartbreaks for you and your daughter. I am so sorry that she relapsed. The fact that she even called and admitted that she relapsed and couldn't drive is huge. My sober hubby remembers the first time he relapsed and it was devastating for him. Addicts beat themselves up emotionally when they feel like they've disappointed their loved ones.
I hope and pray she has found her way to an alcoholi crisis center or perhaps has reached out to some AA members. It's so hard to turn them over to their HP. Remember this has nothing to do with you. This is not your fault. An addict is going to do what an addict is going to do (sober or active), nothing we can do about it. All we can do is change ourselves and how we react to each situation.
Please keep coming back to us. Join us in the chat room 24/7/365 for our meetings or just to chat. We are always here for you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <---the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks to everyone for your replies and prayers. I just got a text message from her so she is alive. I will take your advice, otherwise I won't be able to function at work tomorrow.
