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I'm very new here, and actually have only been to 1-2 f2f meetings. I need to know something asap. My AH who is not in any recovery or never has been even though he has been in jail, forced treatment facilities etc. He is starting, after a long time, to drink and drive again. I pretty much just leave him alone in his drinking, but drinking and driving sends me over the edge immediately. I want to say to him that if I find him drinking and driving I'm calling the police. We have small children who play in the street right in front of our house and he could easily run into one of them. Please advise. Surely there is something that should be done in dangerous situations.
Drunk driving is something we should not tolerate, even if we HAVE made a detachment. All of us are aware of the dangers to himself and others involved, but some have never considered the financial consequences of this foolish, dangerous, and illegal activity. Remember, as his wife you are jointly and severably liable for any havoc he causes whether it is a fender-bender, or God forbid he kills someone.
I think you are well within your right and privilege to notify the police. I would do it in a heartbeat. I believe we have a duty to protect others from a drunk driver. Anyone who tells you otherwise is WRONG.
Best of luck and good wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You are in an incredibly tough spot. I hate anyone who drinks and drives, especially when they are so visibly impared. I did threaten hubby once, that if he left while he was drinking I would absolutely call the police. Part of me says, let him suffer the consequences of his drinking and driving. But then there's that huge ethical side of me, that says he's endangering the lives of innocent people. He doesn't get to do that. They shouldn't have to suffer because he has a disease and chooses to do nothing about it. I'd like to think I would call.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
This is tough, if you are in a situation that it would cause you physical harm to tell him "if you drive drunk I'm calling the cops." Then don't. Wait until he leaves if you must make that call. I'm very sensitive to those who say their actions become our responsilbity -- they have obviously never had the crap beat out of them for trying to interfer.
No one can tell you what you should do and no one knows your situation or how your A would react to that. Do what you feel is right for you.
"I'm very sensitive to those who say their actions become our responsilbity -- they have obviously never had the crap beat out of them for trying to interfer." Fact is, sometimes their actions ARE our responsibility. If a drunk driver kills someone,YOU, as the spouse, are just as financially liable as the offender. If you don't think so, wait 'til the lawsuit hits. I will not go into the question of how anyone could live with themselves if they didn't attempt prevent it.
No, I have never had the "crap" beat out of me. That's true. Call the police when he leaves, not while he is standing in the living room thinking about driving drunk. I thought that went without saying. Common sense...and doing the right thing. That's the ticket to the whole subject.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 11:05, 2007-06-02
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Yes, i suspect that's what I am asking- When Is their actions my responsibility. But I 100% agree ( and needed your thoughts and encouragement) re' drinking and driving. I read and read about detachment but I have not as yet read anything about where we might be responsible. This is the place of responsibility. Thank you for your concern about possible harm. That has never happended and it has never reared its ugly head here. But yes, I would wait until he left. thank you for your thoughts and most of all your concern for me. I needed that.
I personally I have never been able to make the detachment connection when it comes to drunk driving--especially where children are involved. I have heard too many stories where children were IN THE CAR with the drunk driver. The driver hits something and the driver is fine, but the kid is paralyzed, killed whatever. Hon, do what you need to do, but do it for you. And, if possible, don't be a nag about it. Do it in love with the motive of protecting your kids. Like, "If I find that you're driving drunk, I will call the police, and I will let them know what I know." End it there kind of thing. And keep posting. We'd love to hear from you.
I have called the police when my now ex ah was driving under the influence. They did nothing. I explained that not only was he drunk, and high but he had open containers in his car and cocaine. I told them exactly where he was, what he was driving, what he looked like and what his licence plate number was. I also explained that the car he was driving was registered and insured by me. They did nothing. They said if he does something then they will get him. But until he does there is nothing they can do. They can't just pull people over on a tip. I did this on more than one occasion and got the same reponse. My solution was to let him regester and insure his own car and not let him drive mine. Being married does not automatically make you responsible for his actions. His medical bills that are in collections at this point have no effect on my credit report and he has been sued numerous times for past bills and they have never come after me. I don't know if you could be sued or held liable for his drunk driving, maybe you should see what the facts are legally. Morally, I did everything in my power to prevent him from hurting anyone else and I feel ok with what I did even though the police wouldn't do anything. I tried.
We've had this dsicussion many times, and the consensus seems to be that you should call the cops.
We are told not to precipitate a crisis, and not to try to avert one if it is in the natural course of events. The problem with drunk driving, however, is that the people who are likely to pay the consequences of the bad decision are some innocent total strangers - it's not like only the A will suffer. The life of some other guy just quietly driving down the street trumps detachment, to most of our minds.
That said, I never did call the cops, when it was me. I had all sorts of justifications, but mostly I was just too scared. I'm hoping that if it were to come up again in my life, I'd have the strength now to do the right thing.
Serendipity, I just saw your post - looks like the law changes according to where you are. They can most definitely pull someone over on a tip, here, and they do it all the time.
Central New York. And yes, I do believe the law is different in other places. Funny, I just got a call from the sherrif's association wanting money for their stop DWI campagne. I have no money so it was a friutless call for them but I did offer to sit outside the bars and call them whem I saw a drunk person getting behind the wheel. That comment just confused the telemarketer! LOL! Seriously, I would totally volunteer for that but they won't go for it!
All the best things have been said already. Serendipity, I have to wipe my screen . . . sitting outside the bar and calling in the drunks who drive away!! If I were the telemarketer I'd sign you up.
This is what got my husband put out of our house is when he peeled out and ran over our neighbors mailboxes and I refused to see him drinking and driving. I knew by the time the cops got there that he would be gone and I also did not want the financial burden of paying for attorneys and lawyers so I set him free to not have that on my conscience. I just prayed that he would not kill someone. It is a very tough spot to be in.
Same as serendipity, I called the sheriff and the police. i live in a small town. He was on his way to a little bit bigger one. Only two ways to go.
Gave them complete description, license number, everything. They did not bother.
He ended up in the other town, had his big truck, he tailgates. Tail gated this little car and drove up onto it. Then he took off!!
The police contacted, BUT he had not changed the name over to him so they went to the former owner.
So now the former owner is liable. Nice eh?
The authorities will avoid getting into a domestic at all costs. So if it is something like this, they let it go. Fortunate that kid he literally ran over, was not killed.
I told him i called them. I was not ashamed.
If you won't be physically harmed and can get the keys, do it. But if you can,just go out and disable the car or truck. Open the hood and pull the distributor rotor off or something else when he or she is not looking. let the air out of 2 tires.
Take the vehicle and park it elsewhere earlier in the day when he she starts drinking or disable it earlier.
Sometimes thinking ahead is a key too. I could not control it as my a drove home from where ever, then drank a pint down a mile away, came home, was a mess and would leave again.
I agree with most of the posts,,,,I often wondered the same , and I also wondered if I could live with the guilt of not calling if my AH was to kill someone, especially an innocent child playing. So I have called , given his licence plate number etc etc. The concequences are his and his alone, he is doing something illegal. The choice however is yours, just let us hope , there will never be "I should have".
I wouldn't hesitate to call on PD on ANY drunk driver - related to me or not.
If you decide that you are afraid of the consequences of what your A might do, then I hope you will assess what your situation really is. Also, if he has no program, then his drinking will excelerate and possibly his rage.
My AH used to love to get me in the car, then start an argument. He wasn't even drinking!!
I agree with most of the suggestions given to you.
