While Counterdependency is not yet nearly as well known a concept as its sister condition, Codependency, it is an extremely vital paradigm in understanding the behavior and motivation of the majority of men in our culture. In this article I will define this predominantly male condition and attempt to educate and coach women married to counterdependent men in their efforts to reach and influence their husbands in an appropriate manner. If you are going to effectively communicate with him then you first need to understand him.

Wives need to be heard if they are going to feel loved and then in turn be able to love and nurture their husbands.

The first of the four main counterdependent characteristics Grandiosity frequently keeps that from happening. While grandiosity poses as being impressive and attractive, in reality it has many ugly features including being highly opinionated, know it all, arrogant, black and white in thinking patterns, overly focused on goals, and flaunting with material possessions. Deep down a grandiose counterdependent is profoundly insecure. They werent given nearly enough unconditional love or nurturing from their parents. Their self-esteem is based solely on external achievements rather than on an internal sense of healthy self-love. They are Donald Trump on the outside and needy little insecure boys on the inside. Of course, as a counterdependent even the Donald himself fits that description. This insecurity is what drives male counterdependents deeper and deeper into their #1 addiction work.

It isnt about providing for the family (although they would cluelessly frame it that way), it is really about their desperate need to be affirmed. The more that they achieve and amass the more they feel like an acceptable man. They are empire builders. They are an awesome boon to our economy counterdependent traits make them supermen at work. However, superman doesnt play well for long at home. It is great in the beginning flying in and rescuing the damsel in distress, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, making lots of money, making all the major decisions, etc.

However, eventually Mrs. Superman is going to want a real and healthy marriage, which requires 2 actual human beings. She will need qualities like humility, vulnerability, flexibility, intimacy, depth, being able and willing to share power, etc. Sadly, many male Counterdependents fly off from their marriages to seek another damsel in distress to save and impress rather then stick it out and have their marriage help them to become mere humans. The hard core Counterdependent male is on Mrs. Superman #3 by the time he is 55. One of my favorite Counterdependent heroes is Bill Parcels, coach of my beloved Dallas Cowboys.
As an Alpha Male Counterdependent he is a leader of men. He also has spoken frankly to the media about his many regrets surrounding the termination of his 40 plus year marriage. He is a big enough man to admit that the divorce was caused by his workaholism and his controlling and difficult personality. He is incredible on the sidelines that is who I want leading my Cowboys, but those same leadership traits doomed his marriage.

Talking with a counterdependent many times is like talking to a wall. They KNOW that they are right and that you therefore must be wrong. A powerful picture of the challenge involved in attempting to impact a counterdependent can be gained by driving through the mountains. Occasionally you will come across a tunnel. The big stone mountain is very much like a hardheaded counterdependent man it is difficult to get through. Engineers built the tunnels using dynamite to blow huge holes in the otherwise impenetrable mountain.

The dynamite represents effectively shared anger. The problem is that many wives of counterdependent men only are in touch with enough anger to blow up a few coke bottles. Your husband is equally as grandiose in his interactions with you as you have been too passive. Counterdependents do not pick up on subtleties for them to get it many times they require an emotional baseball bat the cranium. Have you ever asked yourself why you married such a know it all? The answer to that is rooted in your childhood. Which one was the unbending, rigid, and non-listening parent for you? I guarantee you that your marriage is simply a not so instant re-play of your very similar childhood relationships. Counterdependents can be trained, but only by powerful, highly assertive spouses. If you are not strong enough then you need to come down to the emotional gym at Family Tree. We will whip you into shape. You need to get in touch with more dynamite and then you will need to learn how to use it skillfully, lest you blow the whole mountain up. Your husband is your teacher he is forcing you to stand up, find yourself, look him eye to eye and demand to be counted as an equal.

The 2nd trait of Counterdependency is being highly independent. Counterdependents want to do what they want to do when they want to do it (or so my wife tells me). They learned growing up that ultimately no one was there for them except themselves. They dont know how to be dependent. They are like the lion with a thorn in his paw they go hide in their caves alone in their pain never thinking of asking their wife to help them. Frequently these non-needy fellows are extremely needy in one area sex. All of their primitive little boy neediness somehow got shifted to their penises. They act like they really dont need love, intimacy, support, or communication as long as they get their regular supply of sex.
That is why sexual addiction in this country continues to explode. Of course sex without intimacy or accountability wont work in a real marriage. As I have worked with Counterdependents through the years I have explained to them that while it is true that you do give up some freedoms as you move closer to your wife you also gain a great deal more then you give up a life long bond which is priceless, a stable family, the respect and admiration of your wife and lots of awesome sex. It is a good deal, but it is un-natural for counterdependents to be broken and truly vulnerable.

The 3rd attribute of Counterdependency is broken down into 3 different but related parts obliviousness, self-absorption and addictive behaviors. All three have the same result isolating the man in his own world, cut off from his wife and his children. Thick skin can be a great attribute to a successful salesman, but it is a marriage killer. These guys are always on a mission. They are competing at all times in all things. They arent about enjoying the journey. In order, their most popular addictions include work, sex, control, power, alcohol, rage, money, possessions, rescuing, sports, gambling and food. With the advent of the Internet many sexually addicted counterdependent males are chained to their computer screens when they arent working. Addictions are in our lives for one purpose to keep us from feeling what is deep in our hearts. If a counterdependent male slowed down long enough to feel, he would be terrified by all the loneliness, insecurity, neediness, depression and rage that ARE him. If he is going to build a mature and lasting marriage he will need to thaw out his heart. There are many wonderful and healthy things buried in his heart underneath all of his pain and addictions things like spirituality, fun, healthy neediness, connection with his children, a desire for a balanced life, interest in hobbies, etc.
If you are going to reach your Counterdependent husband you are going to have to burst his bubble of self-absorption and then pull him towards both you and the kids.

The final Counterdependent quality is control. When they we little these men grew up with at least one parent who was one or all of the followingcontrolling, critical, raging, abusive, neglectful, out of control, abandoning and addictive. Their whole childhood was about hating that feeling of being out of control. Rest assured that their whole adult life is about making sure that they dont have to feel that sickening feeling again. They arent being controlling to be mean, it is a compulsion, and they cant help it. They will be that way until something or someone more powerful comes along and demands some of that power and control.

I havent shared much with you, Mrs. Superman that you didnt already know, right? Is it spooky just how well I described your husband without ever meeting him? Now, let me give you some feedback - #1 you are not a victim of this man of all the men on the planet to be solely in charge of loving you, #2 you chose him for every single day of your marriage, #3 he is a reincarnation or the embodiment of some of your unresolved issues with your parents, #4 you will achieve no success with him if you rage, nag, berate, attempt to control or other wise try to punish him.

What you need is a calm, powerful non-reactive voice backed up by strong boundaries with consequences. If you dont have those abilities within you yet, and if you married to him you dont you need to begin therapy immediately in order to gain the strength that you need to successfully go to war and win your husband back. In effect he has been captured by his dark side.


The man that you fell in love with is still inside of him do you remember that guy? He does not need to be willing or able to begin therapy now for your marriage to begin to get better you are the key. You need to get to work on you. If he came in arrogant, controlling and un-teachable we would send him home soon anyway. The most important things are that we need to uproot that sense of your feeling victimized by the man I assure you that you have not been, not even once!