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Well I had been doing really well I thought, keeping my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself and trying to keep my side of the street clean, but then I lost it, and all those days when I didn't say a thing all those day's that I was proud I lived through and kept my thoughts to myself, well they all spilled out of my mouth last night, I can't decide if it's resentment or anger, my husband has terrible anger issues, and he play's the blame game all the time, he works his way around us all untill one of us bites, I have noticed of late because I have been able to keep out of it, his behaviour to the general public has got worse, I've just spent a whole week listening to him berate the world and it's dog, and I couldn't contain my feelings anymore, I said, have you ever thought maybe your the problem? To which he replied,"who do you think you are? God", I know it's not my place to stand in judgement of him, but he is hell on earth to live with, he lives in the past and rarely wants to talk about anything constructive, I have long since accepted that my husband is a unique and complex individual, and have had to come to terms with all the emotional neglect that goes with the decease of alchoholism,BUT, it takes too much from me, I'm tired of all the work that needs to be done the constant demands he makes, I think he uses his family as his whipping post, and thats just unacceptable to me now.
Sounds like anger to me, really - there is something going on which you find unacceptable. Maybe if you can focus the anger on making some changes, rather than on berating him (which of course does no good) it will start to feel more positive.
I have slipped so many times in my recovery, it's a good thing I have lots of padding on my you-know-what. The beauty of our recovery, is that we get to start all over again any time we want. Don't be so hard on yourself. It happens to all of us. You have the right to your feelings. I don't think it's a bad thing that it came out. Now it's done, and now you can begin again.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
"who do you think you are? God",-My AH says this to me frequently!! I try to say something humorus back to him instead of letting anger take hold of me. I am getting much better at letting go of his constant insults. I also get tired, but I know I am getting healthier so it is worth it!
"Slips" , recognizing them, and starting over again daily is where I'm at, so I have to join in.
The alcoholics sometimes do autopsies on their slips, to see where the tipping point was. For me this last time it was enormous stress and loss on the farm, nothing to do with the A at all, but a pretty huge chunk to deal with, and I'm early on in this portion of my recovery.
I consider that I'm still just barely keeping my head above water, trying so hard by the minute to reroute my thinking away from anger and resentment. I took a big hit, and am probably doing "well" considering how I could be doing.
And I'm tired a lot, genuinely sleepy. I am not a "nap" kind of person, but almost every day I get sleepy at some point and take a nap for two or three hours -- very unusual-- but I'll be danged if I don't feel about 100% better afterward.
My A is a "needler" too, tries to get my attention even if it's angry attention, likely enjoys it when I do get angry. I have to remember he's an A, not a normal guy just acting badly.
I'm rambling, but I so relate to the struggle you're having right now. So difficult.
If you were God wouldn't he be the exact reason you made woman???lol Sorry I couldn't resist. I used to slip up all the time, I personally found it healthy as long as my children were not around. Sometimes I didn't and that's when he was really drunk because I knew all that I said was waisted on deaf ears. So I saved it up for when he was nice and hungover. An eye for an eye. ;) Take care.
