Hi Serendipity,

My ex cheated on me too.  Right towards the end of our marriage, we separated.  I was attending al-anon meetings and she AA meetings in the same building at the same time.  One evening as I was leaving I saw this guy standing around outside the building smoking a cigarette.  His behavior was odd, because he would not look at me.  By this point I knew that my wife who hadn't been out of the house for but a very short time was seeing someone who was also in AA. 

I got the idea this must be the guy.  I stood about 4 feet from this guy looking at him.  He would not look back.

At some point my wife walked out, saw me staring at him, and got in my face asking "What are you doing".

I said somethings, and she replied with things that confirmed that yes, this was the guy. 

Serenity, 98% of me wanted to absolutely destroy this man.  He was about a foot shorter than me, pretty wimpy looking actually, and trust me, he would have been the recipient of so much fury he would not have been able to defend himself.  I have never been a violent man.  I have never actually hit another human being.  But this guy would have gotten it all.  I wouldn't have just been hitting him.  I would have been hitting every bully that ever picked on me as a child.  Every man my wife had slept with.  It would have been bad.

I had been in program about 5 months.  There was 2% of control inside of me, thanks to that.  I turned and walked away, started to get in my truck....stopped...started to walk back, at which point Pipsqueak (HEY we have to protect their anonymity right!  so i will just call him Pipsqueak! ) decided finally that it might not be such a good idea to stand around outside when the husband (looking a little insane at this point) of the woman he was ..mmmm.. dallying with (he says with some resentment at having to be polite) who happened to be a lot larger and a lot more "motivated" to kick his ass than he was...was walking around free near him.  He sorta, trotted to his truck and got in.  Hey no question I was crazy.  Somehow, I turned and walked towards a group of men that were standing around outside, instead of after Pipsqueak. 

No one got hit.  No one had to go to jail.

I am sooooo grateful that I kept that 2% of control over the situation.  Not a very high road, but at least I didn't go all the way down the low one.

I won't lie.  To this day, nearly 3 years later, there are moments when I wonder how wonderful it would have felt just to punch Pipsqueak.  I can almost feel the satisfaction in the knuckles of my right hand.

But the thing is, why would I hit him?  What did he do to me?  Absolutely nothing.  The anger, hatred and resentment was really for my wife.  But, as was always the case for her I made excuses.  For her I denied the reality of who she was and found others including myself, to justify or blame her behaviors on.  Misplaced feelings. 

With time came understanding and forgiveness.  I didn't know if I would ever really let go of the memory of what it felt like then.  If I would ever let go of the desire to have been a man "for once!" and stood up for myself back then.  But right now, today, I don't feel that way anymore.  I have forgiven my ex wife, not for her, but for me.  I won't forget, but I don't dwell on it.  When those demons inside me try to derail my joy by cueing up those old tapes, I very quickly shut them down with the tools I have learned from al-anon. 

It wasn't about me.  It was about her.  I didn't cause her to cheat.  I couldn't control her cheating.  I couldn't cure her cheating.

I am sorry you feel bad right now (((((((Serenity))))))))).

Stay on the high road, it will lead you to a much better place in the long run.  A place where you can hold your head up high.  A place where you can look youself in eye when you stand in front of a mirror and say, I did the right thing by doing nothing.  I did the smart thing.  I did the thing my HP would want me to do.  I did the thing that shows the most love for myself.

Glad you posted.

Yours in Recovery,
David

((Serendipity))

Well I would agree with David and INH that taking the high road is the best solution.  The hairdresser, the product lady, this new gal, they are just prey and pawns that your A is using to fill a big hole within his soul.  My sponser once said this to me when I was feeling the same feelings you are feeling now about my AH.  He was seeing someone else last year for a short time when we were separated, it was to fill a void within himself, sick as all get out too.  People who "hook" up in recovery programs when recovery is still so new, you know they're just trying to avoid looking at themselves and their own addictions.  So hey, lets get involved with a new person cause everyone loves that new feeling of a new relationship, its a high too right?  Don't you worry, HP will handle this situation as it needs to be handled.  There is nothing you can do to your A or the new lady that hasn't already been done or will be done to them. 
Maybe put that anger and pain into something creative like pulling weeds in the yard, making bread, molding something with clay, exercising, whatever you can do to get the anger and pain out do it, you will feel some release.  Be good to you and know you are loved very much by your children, HP, and your Alanon buds.

Peace,
Twinmom~

Serendipidty,

I understand the pain you express and yes, it's amazing how crazy it can make you. You are normal to me! This is awful, but when I used to visit my AH in rehab and now sometimes when I go to meetings, I sometimes get envious of others thinking they have it so much easier because they only have to deal with the alcohol/drug addiction. Of course I realize that is a twisted poor me attitude and really, I have no idea what demons other families are fighting... It is just that pain of the infidelity issues can be all consuming and the hurt can be unbearable at times.

My AHsober in the throws of his disease got involved with our employee, a married woman with two little kids. She is actually in our extended social group, someone I have to see frequently in our small town. She is an active A and paid my AH some visits in rehab (not for her disease) and he got kicked out. Now that he is off the pink cloud and unable to cope with reality he is with her again, "talking". She is an addiction.

Last month I accidentally "tripped" at a function and threw wine all over her. Whoops! Am I proud? No, but am I glad I did it, I hate to admit it, but yeah. I felt empowered, if even for a short time. Please know this was totally out of character for me. I suprised myself. I'm used to being a doormat. I was a bit toasted when it happened, and that event proved to me that alchohol doesn't make you do things you don't really want to do, it just removes the inhibition and makes it a heck of a lot easier.

Her H is my daughter's coach and a hothead. Just the other day at a game I fantisized about him beating the crap out of my AH. That was the first time I really directed that type of anger about the situation toward him,and I see that as progress. Part of me wants to tell the H, but the kids need protection. Also, my pride, what is left of it, can take no more humiliation.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm too new to offer any real inspiring ES and H, but may you find peace in knowing that you are not alone.

Blessings,

Lou