The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Now that I'm recovering I'm having lots of ups and downs. But today is okay. Babysteps.
Anyway, I saw my parents yesterday. I have a polite relationship with my mother. My dad is an activeA. He's getting old now, retired and cannot drink as much. He just keeps quiet generally.
Anyway, I'm now really noticing the depths of my mother's codependancy. She has spent a lifetime with him and is very submissive. She is now showing occasional anger and resentment. She automatically tries to control her environment and everyone in it. That was me yesterday. I snapped once and immediately regretted it. It passed over quickly. But I feel really guilty about this. Probably because I can now see how sick she really is. I'm sure she has many regrets about her life. I am trying to be more understanding.
The last few weeks for me have been very difficult. But I trust this is growth. I feel like I have to remove myself from all the sick people in my life at this time, for now. Trouble is all my family have issues (most are not even aware of this) from having grown up in the Ahome. As I try to let go of my own control issues I can see them more and more in other people.
I set my boundaries with myA and found I had to leave the relationship with him. I wonder am I now trying to do the same with my family? Am I actually avoiding? I haven't been sleeping very well and I know my reasoning is weak at the moment.
Thanks for listening. Just thinking out loud I suppose. AM
I am going through some very similar issues myself... I am watching people within my family, and saying to myself, "god Ally, you have done this for years, OMG, you used to do that"..lol
I think, we are where,,we are, in our recovery, and it is all very new to us. I also think the old "I can fix this person", comes back to us. But as we are recovering, I am finding a new state of independence, and for the first time in my life, It is awesome. My only problem is I can be too quick to let people know to "Stay out of my affairs"...lol This is my business, where as for years, everyone in the family took to do with it.
But as for your situation, you are seeing your mothers life now for what It has been, with living with an A. I imagine you have some resentments against your father. (I did). But you do not need to pull away from them.
You have to accept, your mother has always had a choice, the same as mine did. They stayed because the wanted to. Just love and support her, and "Mind your own business". Concentrate on you, and your recovery. Maybe someday you can talk to her about Al-anon. But im my mothers case, It's all in the past. But in reality It is not, because as you now see the effects Alcoholism has had on her life..
Keep working for you (((Ann marie)))) you are doing great, also remember, no-matter how much we hurt for other people, we are "powerless", and they do have their own HP with them......
When I started Alanon I separated from my family for a year. I had to for my own sanity. It was such a sick system that without detachment I would easily be sucked in and lose myself again. This was because I had no boundaries, physically, emotionally, and mentally. The separation was desperately needed for me. Thoughts of me being selfish ran through my head, but it was the disease talking. It sounds like you're taking care of you and your needs. When I start feeling really confused I get to as many meetings as I can and talk to my sponsor. Take one moment at a time, one day at a time.
Ya know, I can hold onto my program pretty well except when I have to deal with my mom. Just the thought of having to deal with her starts my mind swirling and I go into protection mode. Good for you to be able to stay in your program with your family ( or at least want to) Don't be so hard on yourself! Sounds like a little slip and it made YOU uncomfortable to behave that way and you want to change. That is awsome!!
I think, for me, when I started setting boundries with my mother, who moved 600 miles away from my father and remarried after their divorce, the result was that she became a martyr whenever I refused to involve myself with her dysfunction. When mom and dad talk, you can watch them, like BOOM go back to their system: mom pleading, dad hating; mom hurting, dad hating; mom screaming, dad cussing. And with mom a whole time zone away from dad, the thing is now she expects me to take care of him. Huh? No, you're not avoiding. When we set boundries, at least when I do, what happend was that my parents realized I wasn't going to enable their diseases. I was going to be taking care of myself, engaging in my own life. I swim, I paint, I take classes and am a fairly active individual. Whever they become overly active in my own life, this is where things get tricky. Additionally, my parents came to see that as long as they were doing whatever they were doing, I wasn't going to be involved in it. I'm sorry they were hurting I often said; I'm sorry they were miserable; but it wasn't my job to fix them. It wasn't my job to make them happy. It also wasn't my job to try and fix situatiosn that wasn't mine to fix. In HOPE FOR TODAY there's a line that people have the right not to change, and that's very hard for me. Additionally, I had to learn--and my parents are leaning--that my decision TO change is up to me, every day. I can be manipulated into returning to my dysfunction if I want to because of fear, pain or shame. But if I'm working my program and keeping my boundries, I don't have to live like I used to.
