The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My plans to move on with my life away from my AH are chugging along. He is continuing his denial and his family (mostly his mom who I have had a GREAT relationship with) is having a really hard time accepting it all. They say that they understand why I am leaving but some things have been said that make me feel like they think I'm doing this to him. I fight those feelings every day and have been making myself busy packing and moving. It's been rather depressing to let go of my hopes and dreams for this marriage. But he hasn't changed his ways at all so I know that I'm doing the right thing.
His brother and mother have been urging marriage counselling but I feel it's pointless if he is still actively drinking and smoking pot. Has anyone experienced this?
I seperated from my Abf six months ago. We were not married. However I had a great relationship with his family also. He was drinking like crazy and smoking pot. In the end I felt I had no choice but to leave, although it was very hard.
Anyway he is still drinking and smoking. I had to go to save myself, my own sanity. For me his family understood and actually agreed that it was an impossibility to try and have a relationship of any worth with him given the circumstances. His sister, who loves him to bits actually told me I deserved to be treated better. She was right, but it took me a long time to accep this.
I imagine it has taken you along time to get to the stage where you are considering leaving too. And your decision was not taken lightly.
For me, I am recovering myself at the moment, and putting a lot of work into this. It is up to him whether he decides to follow a path of recovery for himself.
Without this individual work on each other, there would be no point in us trying to reconcile.
I hope you can work out what's best for you. You have been strong to this point. I hope you can continue to be.
I think that you are right about the counseling. It would probably be difficult to find a MC who would take on an active A/Addict. I think that most MC require that the addiction be addressed first.
Keep taking care of you and keep coming back.
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I separated from my A/DU husband nine months ago and he has spiraled downhill since then but I have come to feel that a relationship is about two functioning people working together toward a common goal and enjoying eachothers company. With active A/DU that just isn't really possible. It's more of an attachment than doing what's best for either person. I like the story about the sister who "loves him" saying she deserves better. She loves her brother but she loves the gf too and wants the best for her and he's not it in the condition he's in. It's hard for people who are close to separate the person from the behavior and realize that it's not the person you're rejecting it's his behavior. Hard for me to see it that way sometimes too in my own relationship. Love him hate what he does... I guess life is hard enough trying to take care of yourself without the burden of carrying all of someone else's problems and they ALWAYS expect you to carry their problems for them as that is classic A behavior!
Wow! I have been in your shoes. At first, my Awife's family was understanding and compassionate. They saw the big pink elephant in the living room. But as time wore on, and divorce looked inevitable, they started walking backwards. As close as I was to her mom and dad, the loyalty issue is very tough to comprehend. I didn't expect or want to be the martyr, just wanted understanding. Alas, blood is thicker than...
Alcoholics are not the only people that can be in denial. and denial can be learned. Food for thought.
with love, yours in recovery cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I've gone to marriage counseling with hubby at two different times in our marriage. We tried several sessions pre-Alanon and then tried again about 3 or 4 years later after I'd had over a year in Alanon. He is still an active A. Neither time worked because he wasn't ready to make real changes in his life. The second time we went might have worked if we'd continued, but then I still would have to heard all about the stuff I said in session when he was drunk. And of course, when he'd been drinking, he would take what was said in session and twist it all around and just go off about it all. That was not worth it to me... to create more of a monster in problems to have to deal with. My sponsor had told me the addiction needed to be addressed first, and as usual she was right. Perhaps once he seeks out a program and gets serious about it, we might try again... although we may not need a marriage counselor by then. We've been doing pretty good without, mostly by my just changing and working the program and accepting him as he is. Still have our rough times but these pass and we get through it. And I do see him learning to accept certain things that I used to complain about... by "accept" I mean he is finally coming out of denial and seeing what I see and acting appropriately about it. He had to be ready to see these things, to come out of denial, to make his own changes. My discussing them in private with him or with a counselor prior to his being ready was just pointless.
Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
If you decide to go into marriage counselling, make sure the counsellor has some experience with addictions. Otherwise, they could be snowed by the A - unless they are trained to look out for it, the lying can get past them. A counsellor who understands that the A's underlying main objective is not so much to save the marriage as to continue to drink within the marriage is not going to be fooled by the A's fan dance.
There have been several good discussions about this in the past - if you go back six months or so you should find something helpful.
I agree with Lin. Marriage counseling can not make him quit using. I personally don't think they can say anything that you haven't. (my opinion) I went to counseling and it helped ME move on but nothing made me want to get back with my ah. I think your very brave and I commend you for moving on.
I have also been in counselling with my DU/AH. While I really respect the guy we saw, I don't think that he saw the addiction as his problem--- more of a symptom of his immaturity, not wanting to be consistantly responsible, depression etc. I think it is a chicken and an egg type thing--which comes first. Do you have poor coping skills and immaturity in your life and then A and D appeal to you? or do the A and D cause prolonged adolescence and poor coping? I've wasted enough time on that topic. the thing is that whatever progress we make always gets erroded when he resumes use/abuse. I think he needs a program and/or antidepressants. Counsellor only sees my H now because he dismissed me from therapy because I AM NOT THE PROBLEM. Our counselor is not antiAA/NA-- he just says it might not be the right approach for my H-- I would say "so how is what we're doing now working for him????" good luck!
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
It has been my experience and those I have known in the program that when we start getting healthier and making healthier decisions for us our families and friends will fight it. They are used to the status quo. I left my ex boyfriend years ago and six months later he was found dead. At the time he was drinking heavily, taking anti-depressants, and abusing pain killers. His family blamed me for his death. If it wasn't for me leaving him he would still be alive. Wrong. I am not nor was ever responsible for his behavior. Denial runs thick in addicted families and the healthy person will always get the blame because the sick members can't look at themselves. I knew when I started feeling guilty I was being sucked into the disease again. I hope you get to meetings as much as possible while you are leaving.
I'm just a little past where you are in life. I left my AH about 3 months ago. He and his family, still in denial, keep saying that if we could just go to marriage counseling we could work this all out. i've been in couseling and f2f for 1 year and all have said until the alcohol issue is gone, the marriage counseling could not have gone anywhere. So I went to heal myself and that is happening. No one is going to understand until they have lived it like us. I even have friends who love me who say "but he is such a nice guy and he loves you" but they never saw how he was night after night when he came home, drunk and lying to me. I know they are trying to help and so is family but for real support and understanding we are here for you. You must do what is right for you and your situation, only you know that answer in your heart. Trust yourself and your higher power to know what you really need.
I'm new here, so I kind of feel like I should have advice for no one, but I have to say that my alcoholic husband and I tried counselling, but got nowhere with him still drinking. I felt like we couldn't work on other issues when the major issue was being ignored. The therapist informed me that I should go to Al-Anon meetings as he wasn't going to change at this point in time. Lovely. I was 6 months pregnant at the time with a 3 yr old and 12 yr old at home. Not to mention my full-time job. Now my 6 month fetus is a 4 month old baby, and time isn't coming by easier (thus I am here). Anyway, as long as my husband was actively drinking, I really felt as if he spent more time justifying his drinking and blaming it on me in counseling. I was left just feeling resentful of the whole situation. (I'm so glad I'm here. Hopefully the meetings will help me with the resentment!)
Good for you for keeping the focus on you and what is best for you. My experience with counseling is that if they aren't serious about changing it doesn't work. Just like if they are serious about getting sober.
My x husband met meet after work this week to apoligize for all he put me through and commended me on the strength it took to leave him. He knew he put me thru hell and could finally make ammends. I was stunned. Well, jeez it only took 1 1/2 years! He's still sober and very involved in the AA program. He's a changed man and I'm a changed woman. Both for the better having grown through this program.
