The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday my A son was told by his ex-wife that she was engaged and going to get married. A son is not taking it so well. (you know the old "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you" saying) He doesn't want to be back with her but is having a really hard time accepting that anoter man will basically be raising his children.
Anyway.......my hubby (who now works with me) and myself were drinving to work this morning and I proceed to tell him that I talked to A son last night and that he was very drunk and had been wallowing in self pity and crying the whole day. Hubby says to me..."when is he going to learn that drinking is not going to take away his problem"? I do not like those remarks. I think he has no clue what a real addiction is. A son knows drinking is not going to resolve things but that is what A's do when they have problems. Am I right?
I, thank God, no longer try to prove anything to my son about his drinking. It is his disease and it is not going to go away. If he does not decide that he no longer wants to live his life like this then he will have to decide that on his own. If he never makes the decision to turn his life around then he will die alot sooner than he should. I can do nothing to make him see the light.
What a relief...that I cannot do anything. I can only focus on my life now.
I think I just said that last night... how many times do you have to ram your head into the brick wall before you figure out that its not working for you???? The way I look at it you're 1/2 right and your husband is 1/2 right. The addiction is controlling him but also he chooses the addiction. When people choose to get sober they choose not to drink/use anymore and there are people who do it! So maybe hubby was saying I wish he would choose sobriety. I have gone back and forth on this and I have decided in my own mind that once the addict is sober they choose to go back and use. For my A every time he has been in treatment and jail has been a fresh chance to choose something different yet he still chooses to drink/use. I think Alanon helps us to say oh well and not dwell on others choices because we have no control over them anyway. The problem is there is no understanding insanity and we all know what the definition of that is....
I think that most people, myself included before this program, gauge people against sane rational behavior. When that doesn't apply... nothing makes sense.
Until a person see's it for what it is ... they don't see it for what it is.
And we can't force that on them. Nobody could force it on me, I had to literally be on my knees and scrambling for the truth before I opened my eyes.
Why didn't I just go ahead and do that 5 or 6 years ago... I don't know. Guess I wasn't desperate enough, (kinda sounds like our A loved ones huh)
I hope you can find a little peace today, you and your hubby are in my prayers.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Yes, keep focusing on you & taking care of yourself.
Hope that the new Step-Dad to your grandchildren will be a good second father to them. Also hope that you will still be able to have a relationship with those precious little ones.
Wishing you & yours Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Well I think it took me like 7 years to really get the A was an A. I was trying to control his behavior before. I no longer really get into conversations with people about why he acts as he does. I just end up frustrated in them. A good example for me of boundaries in practice. Nevertheless I do have to say I have to express my resentment still a lot about his behavior because it still affects me. I am not dealing with it day to day anymore but I do deal with where it took me.
I also have to say I no longer have much time for the a's wallowing in self absorption. I used to but I no longer do. He has tremendous resources, he is a veteran. he doesn't want them, he wants to "use" that's the bottom line for me.
