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There are some times when I am annoyed that my mom is an alcoholic and because of that feeling of annoyance I say hurtful comments as a result. Perfect example.....
This past weekend I watched a Sandra Bullock movie, 28 Days, which is about an A going to a rehab center and getting help. Then tonight I was watching another Sandra Bullock movie, The Lake House, which is about two people from different times communicating. We were actually spending time together enjoying ourselves - which is rare. Before we started the movie though,my dad (who is also an A - if you know me you know I'm talking about my mom's boyfriend, who I think of as my dad) told me he was probably going to get me up since he has to get up early and we (mom and I) were going to watch a movie and be up late - he knows that when she is up early with him that after he leaves she drinks before going to work - which unfortunately true. I said to my mom something along the lines of "it's so different seeing her [Sandra Bullock] in this after seeing her in 28 Days this weekend." She got all defensive and mad and said it ruined it - she was enjoying the movie and watching it with me.
Why do I do things like this? Could it be because I have yet to accept and be able to deal with the fact that she is an A? Most of the time I hate being my parents back-up in the morning, I hate it mostly when it is for a drinking reason - mom drinking in the morning; them [my parents] being too drunk to set the alarm the night before or being to drunk to get up in the morning so I have to make sure they do.....there's other examples that I can't think of right now.
I just wanted to come to you all when I felt I need you, which makes me think that I need to go to Al-Anon even more - this I will go into in a different post at some point.
When I was with my Abf (we seperated six months ago) I used to do things like that. And often times it evoked an irrational reaction from himself.
Really, you just made a comment on the two films. There is a big difference. Simple observation. She then took it up as a slant against her. Was it? I'm not sure it was.
It's as if we walk on eggshells around theA so as to avoid any upset. I wonder if you had been watching the films with someone else (who was not anA) and the same thing had happened, how would they have reacted.
I now realise too that in the depths of my own codependancy I would make similar comments in the crazy hope that I could shock him into chosing sobriety...or maybe to try and open his eyes to being sober. I was trying to control him maybe, without really realising it. I had to learn to stop doing this.
I also stopped enabling. In the end, he wouldn't get up some mornings for work, mostly because of drink. I stopped making sure that he did (even though this was really hard). In the end he lost his job. But, I didn't cause the situation, I can't control, and I cannot change it.
I find it's hard enough to look after my own well being. I can't give my energy away to anyone else. Their recovery is up to them.
These are just my views Lanchas. I know we all have to make our own decisions. I understand what you are going through, and I wish you all the very best. You are in my prayers.
Thanks for posting that. Guilt and motives are some of the weapons of this battle we are all in. AnnMarie is dead on about what your honest motive was for saying what you did. You shared that you really shouldn't have said it.
My question to you is the same, if you are very honest with yourself... did you mean anything by it, or just commenting about seeing her in 2 films and just how different her characters are?
If you were not trying to "prove a point" to your parents, then it is likely Mom's guilt that made her lash out at you. And likewise your guilt that made you think you did something wrong to deserve it.
I am an adult child, and had many such scenes play out between my father and I. I see it with my Sons and their Mom too. When my wife and I still lived together she spent a lot of time in our garage with the tv on so she could smoke and drink.
The Simpsons came on after the news here and was a regular for us while "discussing" things. We rarely paid much attention to it, it was just background noise. In a break in our conversation Homer said something funny and I laughed... my wife blew up at me because you see Homer was drunk in this particular scene and she thought I was poking fun at her.
I wasn't... it was just funny. It's a cartoon for crying out loud.
Guilt makes people defensive, and I don't know your parents, but my wifes guilt for what is going on in her life ... is obvious. And it most certainly affects how she reacts to everything around her.
You don't have to walk on eggshells and keep all your thoughts to yourself, but there is peace in "keeping your side of the street clean". You don't have to accept guilt if your intentions are pure in what you say. So, today I say what I mean and mean what I say and try not to say anything mean.
That means I can have a clear consience... and her wild reactions are just that ... hers.
I am glad you are here, this is a great topic. Thank you...
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I said to my mom something along the lines of "it's so different seeing her [Sandra Bullock] in this after seeing her in 28 Days this weekend." She got all defensive and mad and said it ruined it - she was enjoying the movie and watching it with me.
