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Im new to the board and Al-Anon and in need of your opinions. My AH is also bi-polar and addicted to pot, just got out of an inpatient stay for his bi-polar & addictions, as he when off meds and began actively drinking and using, upon release he came home with the following stipulations (I really didnt want him to come home would have rather had him in a halfway house but his hospital counselor supported him coming home under this agreement) qTake all meds daily, monitored by me, but on his own (he currently is taking Antabuse & Risperidal) q90 AA meetings in 90 days qGet an AA sponsor qAttend weekly counseling He has not followed thru with these items (oh what a surprise J) but has began taking his Antabuse as I will not allow him to drive our truck to work unless he does- and in front of me.He has a counseling appt in June, so he still has the option of meeting that stipulation. I have been focusing on myself and children and leaving him to do what he wants active detachment is in place and he is really starting to feeling it. Now, to my question he just called me from work to ask if I would go away with him this weekend on a mini-vacation.Not sure I should be agreeing to go away as he has not met the agreement, but not sure if this is an attempt at getting to a frame of mind to so that he can began meeting them, and me refusing to go might only hurt the process. What would you do?
I'm new here too. I have a quick question. What are you doing to "actively detach"? That's sounds like something I need to do, and quickly!
Also---if he can feel that you're detaching from him, then do you think maybe he wants the 'mini-vacation' to try and get you to discontinue the detachment if you know what I mean? Seems to me that's what my A would do if he was getting a bit of ice down the back, you know?
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If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires. ~Abigail Van Buren
This is what I'm thinking as well - he just would like to get back to "status quo"... detachment for me is to began focusing on me and my children, doing things with the kids, going to support groups, not talking about his "issues" with him or others, leaving him alone to act as he wishes, but not giving him any benefits of a relationship - no phone calls, no idle cha-chat about days events... these things are reserved for someone who demostates that he value shimself and his family by staying sober & clean...
Welcome to Miracles in Progress Alanon Message Board (((sdoody))... so glad you found it!!
I have to say too here on the message board and at meetings.. all of us are not to try to give opinions or suggestions... but we do try to focus on giving our own * es&h. (Experience, Strength, and Hope.)
My first thought would be to get to a Face to Face Meeting in your area as soooon as you can. You can get some great es&h , a starter packet and ..... well some great friends that already love you... and understand you as no one else can. ** This website has the ability to help you find Meeting Places in your area.
Alanon is a wonderfullll "12 Steps Program." In working thesteps I learn ...I have found healthy ways of detaching with love.., healthy ways of finding peace of mind and even serenity. And much support from wonderful loving people.
The program can help guide.... and helps to understand life doesnt have to be unmanageable.....we are powerless over another person, no matter the situation. The Slogans are tools, the Serenity Prayer..... meetings... and read read read....the literature.
Getting them Sober, One Day at a Time and Courage to Change are all great books. Available here on the website thru amazon.com. ( they sell used books too)
Please keep coming back!! And I want to really urge you to try try try to make some local meetings. I know you will be glad you did.... need some help to locate one you can send me a private message~
So glad your here!! Keep Lookin uP Work the Steps~~ Work it Your Worth IT
This is what I'm thinking as well - he just would like to get back to "status quo"... detachment for me is to began focusing on me and my children, doing things with the kids, going to support groups, not talking about his "issues" with him or others, leaving him alone to act as he wishes, but not giving him any benefits of a relationship - no phone calls, no idle cha-chat about days events... these things are reserved for someone who demostates that he value shimself and his family by staying sober & clean...
That makes perfect sense to me. Thanks, sdoody. Sounds to me like you're making great progress.
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If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires. ~Abigail Van Buren
Wow Sdoody, welcome to MIP!! I loved what you've had to say!
I've been a member of this board for a few months, and since I'm in the sticks and Alanon meetings are few and far away, I've been fortunate to find these folks here. There's a ton of recovery on this board, and room for imperfection, human frailties, and of course MUCH room for the experience, strength and hope we have to share with each other.
The way you describe your "detatchment with love" from your AH was so clear and refreshing. What you describe as your "method" of detatchment is put so well that I'm sure it will benefit others. Detatchment is one of those tools I use or struggle to use on a daily basis with my actively using AH. I can't say I've been able to sum up my own use of the tool as well as you, and I appreciate your clarity, I'm helped a lot by it.
Of course we can tell you what we would do theoretically. How valuable that will be to your final decision is iffy. Trust your instincts on this one. "Hope springs eternal", doesn't it?
There is no right or wrong, your experience is up to you. You do not sound desperate. You sound sane. What do YOU really want to do? That's good enough, so go for it!
It is great that you've found Miracles in Progress (MiP). The chaos and crazy life living with addiction too hard, for most of us, to deal with alone, and I am very proud of you guys for reaching out for help. I would like to share a little of my Experience, Strength and Hope (ESH) with you.
When I first got here, I didn't know what to do, how to think, how not to think, what not to do. I was going insane over finding the "right" course of action when it came to my alcoholic (A) wife. After two arrests and much, much emotional pain, anxiety and stress, I found Al-Anon. The first thing I heard at my very first face-to-face (F2F) meeting was
1. I didn't cause it. 2. I can't control it. 3. I can't cure it.
Thinking about those things and letting it sink in really really reduced the stress I had been adding to my own head. Well then, what can I do?! Here is what I did and my life improved monumentally:
Kept going to meetings and coming to this site. Kept going to meetings and coming to this site. Kept going to meetings and coming to this site.
I learned to detach -- with love. You see, I still do love her, but I've found that I can't live with her. This has been one of the most trying and saddening concepts I've had to face. I love her, but cannot be involved with her, as she is in denial about her alcoholism/addiction, which is a progressive, fatal disease. I first thought the definition of detaching was no contact; but soon, with more meetings under my belt, I've learned that detaching with love and compassion was the road I needed to take. That is what I've contemplated with and prayed for to the God of my understanding (or Higher Power, HP).
Now, (((Sdoody))) <--those are hugs, you have been working and progressing -- I love the BOUNDARIES you have set forth -- and this dilemma about a weekend trip has you obsessing (maybe a little) over what the ulterior motives are. What I have found that works is: get this: honest and open communication. I would ask a direct question. Why? What do you wish to accomplish? Is there a hidden agenda in going away for the weekend?
As mentioned, there is NO right or wrong ways to work your program. We try to do the best we can with all the tools and skills we have to work with. For me, coming here to get ESH has been a tremendous help. Saying the serenity prayer to myself--over and over again--tends to also help me get back to an even keel. And when I can't get past something, I usually call my sponsor or another al-anon friend to work out a specific issue.
Again, I'm so proud of you guys for making this great leap toward your own healing. It takes courage to change, and courage to reach out. And even if you don't like what is being said here, you can always:
Take what you like, and leave the rest.
Brightest Blessings and much love to you, Yours in recovery, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Hi , boy councelors are a piece of work , write up all deals ya like , but u cannot make an alcoholic or anyone else do anything they don't want too. too bad they didn't know that an A will do and say anything to get us off thier backs and outta thier face . as for the weekend , do what is best for you . Period his motives don't really matter . Louise
My experience with antabuse and my ahsober was it didn't work. He found a way to take it and drink. I think he threw up once or twice. Yes he even risked having a seizure from drinking on it. My ahsober also wanted for me to go away with just him and I. I wouldn't go because I knew I had to stick to my guns. He soon realized that there was not going to be a him and I if he did not go to meetings. He went most of the time to to please me so he was going and not getting a dang thing from it. So I found that focusing on me and our children was the best thing I ever did. Oh he came around and finally got sober but it was some seven years later, he was really left far behind. I am very glad you found us and I know you will make a bunch of new supporting friends. This is a great bunch. I hope you focus on yourself and those children. We may not be able to save our spouses per se but we can surely teach and mold our children and save them. Your in my prayers ^i^
That's a pretty fragile person you're talking about who wants to take off on a weekend "escape". I would be aprehensive not only about motives but about missing the meetings and possibly the medications.
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"If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed."
•:*¨¨*:•.•:* ♥¨*:•.•:*¨¨ *:• Ancient Chinese Proverb
An addict is going to do what an addict is going to do, nothing you can do about it. One question I have is when you drew up this agreement, did you mention what the consequences would be if he didn't live up to them? Boundaries/agreements are no good unless you back them up. Kind of like telling a child if he misbhaves he will have no privleges and then when he does misbehave you send him to his room with all his toys, video games and TV. I told hubby a hundred times, no drinking in the house, but what good did that do? It only made a difference when I finally told him to leave.
I don't wrapped up in a A's motive for doing something. Waste of time. But I do take care of me, and do what's best for me. Like Abby, go if you want because you want to. Leave it at that. If he misinterprets that, it's his problem. I am disappointed in the councelor. I would have thought that it would have been what is in the best interest of both of you. Hindsight I wish hubby had gone to a halfway house earlier. That first year of sobriety is so fragile. First year of my recovery was fragile too.
But here we are several years later, and he just passed his 1 year sobriety mark. So miracles can and do happen. Just never give up the fight. Remember: your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if your hubby choose sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Personally, I don't feel it is to your A's advantage that you are the overseer of meds and AA attendance. It makes it difficult to detach when you are playing meds-cop and doesn't really allow him the dignity of his own recovery (or not) and his own choices.. As an adult, having to take the antabuse in front of someone like a he's child would be pretty humiliating. Just my opinion...
By the way, there are several newer meds that work on the receptors in the brain that help alcoholics not crave alcohol, Naltrextone is one of them. With Antabuse they still want the alcohol but get sick if they drink. What hell that must be.
As far as the weekend trip goes, it is up to you. I was told "not to miss the good times" when they are available. They are few and far between.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
What a relief to have finally found this board... it feels like the right place for me. Your comments are very important and I will consider them as I make my mini-vacation decision... I'm leaning toward not going, as I want him to know that there will be no "Him and I" without being clean and sober. I agree with all the Antabuse comments, including the med-cop, as he has been on and off of it numerous times - however, he needs to work and drive and safety has to come first... don't want him to kill someone because I didn't see him take his pill.
I just wanted to add something about your last sentence of your post.
"I agree with all the Antabuse comments, including the med-cop, as he has been on and off of it numerous times - however, he needs to work and drive and safety has to come first... don't want him to kill someone because I didn't see him take his pill."
As harsh and painful as this may sound, the truth is that even though you watch him swallow that pill - You are still powerless over his drinking. Please try not to put that kind of responsibility on your shoulders. My AH needed to work, drive and I very much wanted him to do that safely. But it didn't matter what I did - I never could "make" sure that happened. I hid the keys, he found them. I refused to let him drive my vehicle, he borrowed a friend's, didn't pay his insurance, he drove without it.
Step 1 says "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable.
Not only am I powerless over alcohol, but I am powerless over other people, places and things.
But I can take care of myself. I don't have to ride in a vehicle with someone who's been drinking. I can notify the authorities if I feel led to do so but I don't have to take the responsibility or the blame if the A has an accident while drinking & driving. That is where their disease takes them. It's not my fault because I didn't make sure they took their meds.
Just my e,s, & h, - Take what you like & leave the rest,
Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Agreed that I'm not responsible, nor can I control, my AH drinking, but I feel better knowing that I do take reasonable steps to prevent someone innocent from getting hurt... this is something I do for me, not him... in the end, I'm the one who has to live with the actions and decisions I've made. Hope this clarify my being a med-cop for Antabuse... (which is taken by my AH, crushed up and with water)
The question you asked about going away on the weekend is one you will have to answer for yourself. However, I will share with you the formula I use when trying to make decisions regarding the A in my life. If he asks for something and I have to think about it as to whether or not it will hurt anyone, should I or should I not...then the answer is always NO. If it was ok to do what he is asking then it would have been done without a thought.
I also operate on the theory that anytime you have an alcoholic or a drug addict that is active in their disease if their mouth's are moving then they are lieing. So far that one hasn't failed to be true.
Follow your heart and if you don't have a sponsor, get one and call her before you make your decision.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Miracles in Progress Alanon Message Board (((sdoody))... so glad you found it!!
and even serenity. And much support from wonderful 
loving people.
!! Keep Lookin uP
