The material presented
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I had this really interesting conversation with my mother in law yesterday. We were talking about the a/da who was released and then went back into jail to clear up everything he has... Anywho she says that every time she talks to him he always blames her (she has been sober 20 years) for him being the way he is and talks about his horrible childhood and how she wasn't there for him blah blah blah. Anyway, it's ironic that he says these things to her while at the same time doing the same thing to his children! I'm going to have to write him an interesting letter about that - sure it'll go in one ear and out the other but at least it's been said more than once then. I don't understand how he can blame her (probably manipulation to get what he wants - the old guilt trip) while he is doing the same - actually probably worse - to his kids. She was at least there some of the time and worked to help support them. Strange how that irony is lost on him.
Another thing...I was thinking more this morning about it and thinking if I were in jail... I'd be writing to my kids every day, I would be telling them all how much I loved and missed them and how I would do anything to be with them again. He has written one letter in nine months to one child for her birthday accompanied by a much longer letter for me... None for the others. His first question on the phone when can I see the kids? And I wonder... are they just another manipulation tool to get at me? Awwww gee he loves his children...etc.?
I know one thing I have learned here is that actions speak louder than words and not only rhetorically saying that but really putting it into action. Really believing actions more than words and thinking things through before acting.
DENIAL= Don't Even Notice I Am Lying. It's more than a river in egypt. Generally, when people are in denial, they don't realize they're lying to themselves first, last always. I would recommend reading the letter to your sponsor first. The letter you sent to him the other day was right on--it was respectful, direct, and said everything that need to. This one may--I mean, if it were me--get mean.
I concur. Denial. It is what condemns the A, and condemns the affected persons to a life of misery. If you can tell me a turd is something else, I know that you will not be a part of my living life. Family, friends, lover, coworker, anyone.
((CG)) keep coming back! with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
From time to time the a would say he was sorry about his behavior but then go out again and do the same thing. So I dont' believe he was sorry. I also dont' believe he tried. Like your A mine blamed it on everyone else. One of the last conversations with him was about my therapy. He went on and on about I chose to see an intern. Like I had a choice! I urged him many times to go to couples counselling (he can get that through the VA) but he refused to.
I was always at an impasse with him. Right now my boundaries are huge with him but he could rope me in in a second. One place he really roped me in was his family. I am so glad I dont' have to deal with them anymore or him on a daily basis. There are things to be resolved for me, huge financial things, things about my dogs. At the same time I have to say for me there will be no more ongoing discussions about his family or who he blames because until he starts taking reponsibility there is nothing for me in that kind of conversation.
