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First time posting here. I am a recovering A with 2 brothers who are still out there. My mother (78yo) is continually giving them money and trying to save them.
My fear is that, as this continues, she will eventually run out of resources ($) leaving it to me and my family to care for her. I am going for a visit this weekend to help her with moving into a new apartment and will be talking with her about this.
Don't know what support I am looking for, I just know that I am praying alot and looking for a way to talk about this lovingly and with appropriate boundries. Any ESH out there would be appreciated. Thanks.
I would recommed taking your mother to an elder law atty to see what her rights and responsibilities are. Having someone who specializes in this area might lay out for her in an unbiased and honest way what she needs to do as she reaches the end of her life. She may also put more stock in the words of someone who is a neutral party vs someone who is related to her. Also, the elder law atty could finalize her will and stuff, so that she has some say in her estate and things like that.
I also would possibly research Al-Anon meetings in her new area, maybe provide her with a list of meeting dates & times - also maybe someone from that meeting could mail her a "newcomer" pkg.
I have heard some members share that they are unable to stop giving the adult children money for numerous reasons, past guilt, and sadly because of threats and actual abuse. Not accusing your family of that, just sharing what has been shared with me. Some elderly choose to allow their monies to be handled by someone else so that they don't have access to the money when the A's come looking for money.
Might not stop someone if they really wanted the money, but it might slow them down a little.
Wishing you & your family Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Why do people enable, for loads of different reasons...
As this is your mum, and she is also their mother....The only thing you can do Is express your concern at this...And be prepared to be put in your place... You cannot force her to stop enabling them.
As you know, no-one interfers with a mother and her kids.. If she feels she is doing right, no-one will change her mind..
It's very hard for someone to see they are enabling....took me 36 years to notice it.
Perhaps since you've been there you could explain to her that it takes hitting bottom to stop, and as long as she is providing a soft place to fall it is doubtful that it will happen. While she thinks she is being a loving Mom, she is really feeding the illness and killing them faster. Not nice, I know, but maybe put to her that way it will give her pause..
It's so hard for enablers to understand that they are doing more harm then good. Maybe you could stop in to an Alanon meeting and get her some literature. You could read it too and get some ammo. In the welcome packets there is quite a bit of information.
I know it's frustrating to watch. I have a neigbor that has a 30 yr. old heroin addicted daughter. The daughter ran over her legs with a car about a month ago (she's OK but sore still) during an altercation. The neighbor (her Mom) pressed charges but then went to the jail and put money on her account so she could have snacks! (You gotta be kiddin me!!!) This last weekend she bailed her out of jail with a promise that she would go to rehab. Rehab was court ordered if she was to get out of jail. The neighbor took her to a rehab facility last Thursday and she checked herself out by Monday. It just makes me want to bang my head on a brick wall!! LOL! This stuff has gone on since the daughter was 15 yrs. old. I think this is the 5th rehab the Mom has pd for. Soooooo..my point being, all you can do is try. After that it's pretty much up to her.
Good Luck to ya! And a huge WAHOOO!!! for your recovery :) That's just awesome.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My Father was a drinker, and my Uncle was an Addict... and I watched my Grandparents drive themselves crazy making deals and paying for treatments, right up until the time they died.
I love my Grandparents to death, they were the voice of reason when I was growing up, but they did have money at that point and they wanted him to have every chance of success. Knowing what I know now... and what I have seen with my AW is that will never do the trick. Money is not the answer for the ones in my life.
Can you convince your Mom of that? I have no idea, but as a Son I take certain liberties with letting my parents know how I feel about things. Once... then they will either like it or not, pay attention or not... it's all up to them.
You have gotten some great feedback, and I can't really add anything to what they have said, with one exception: Just like the ones we wish would find and accept help for their addictions, your Mom is an adult and can make her own decissions. I understand your fears, and the consequences of her giving it all away, but it is her assets and her life.
I am not trying to tell you what to do... you are an adult too and I wouldn't presume that my opinions are for you either.
On another note: In watching my Dad and Uncle while growing up, and my wife and her struggles today... I too applaud you for the strength you have in finding recovery for yourself. In this world it is no small feat.
Again ... Welcome!
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 21:46, 2007-05-30
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
What a tough situation. My father enables one of my brothers financially and it drives me nuts. He's not even a A...only he's 38 and sucking the life out of my father.
I can totally understand your concerns, you want her to realize that it's not helping, that it is a waste and and she needs to take care of herself first. BUT we really are powerless over other people and what they do. I understand your concerns that you may be the one (probably the one) who will have to help your mother eventually -- I face that here too.
So if I apply my program then I know I am powerless, that I can't make anyone do what I want them to do. I can ask my HP to give me the strength to accept that (which I do quite often -- especially after my fathers say "I padded your brothers account" augh) I can turn it over to my HP and trust in him that whatever comes about that it will be for the best. Whatever it is that will be needed of me, well I'll rise to that occasion when it gets here...no use living in the future since I really can't predict or prevent it, Right?? When I live in the future I feel like I'm living in a paper bag -- I'm fighting it and the only way out is to accept that right now, no matter what I want, I can't do anything about it. Acceptance is the key.
It is a tough situation. Keep in the moment, and ask you HP for the words when you speak to your mom.
I have been providing for (enabling) my 28 y/o son for years. It is a miserable situation and I rationalize it by thinking it is better for him to be at home than out on the street where horrible things might happen. He is unemployable right now.
My husband has made the decision to stop giving him the money he spends on alcohol. And right away the ugly, humiliating confrontations start. But I know that we have to stop giving my son $$$ because it is hurting him.
I wish there was an easy way to do this.
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"If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed."
:*¨¨*:.:* ♥¨*:.:*¨¨ *: Ancient Chinese Proverb
Explaining to parents about certain things can be very difficult. It sounds as if you have your life on the road to recovery, and perhaps you can suggest because of her age that you become the power of attorney in her case. This way you will be in charge of her money and can dispurse it as she needs it and not as the others need it. This is just a suggestion. Good luck
Thank you for your comments. I have just returned from my weekend there and it was VERY intense. While there my mother finally took a stand with my brother and turned him out. I was able to provide moral support and along the way she was able to see the reality of what was going on. She is seeking out support with Al-anon and her senior resource center and has enrolled the Apartment complex manager by telling her what is going on. She also has a plan for when he shows up again - don't let him in and call the police immediately.
In the midst of this, my other brother was calling from KY to ask for more money and she has told him no, this time in writing. I pray that she establishes the support she will need going forward to stand her ground on this and I know that I cannot do this part for her.
I am grateful that I was able to be an example and that my mother was able to wake up to what is going on. I know I am powerless today and that does not make me helpless.
