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I am having a real hard time with daughter right now. She is about to turn 16, decided she hated me, has said she would run away from home if she had a place to go, and wants to go to a foster home. She even attacked me, clawing my arm with her nails and drawing blood. I just stood there crying, what to do, I can't fight her, that just not right.
This all came as a total surprise to me. She is a smart girl, her grade point average is over 90%.
She has one choir, which hardly gets done, and that is putting away clean dishes.
She has been given everything she needs, and most of what she wants.
I was so upset I missed 3 days work, I really taking this hard. In all these years one thing I never second guessed was my parenting skills, now I"m thinking maybe I should have beaten her when she was little.
I don't know if I'm venting or reaching out for ideas. I know now though that I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, and nervous she will get violent with me again.
I did this when I was younger but it was because my mother was not a good mother. She thought she was but she just wasn't. She was VERY critisizing and was very good at pointing out any flaws I had. SHe labeled me so I did what she wanted and lived up to it. Your daughter is angry for a good reason, you just need to find out what that reason is. I would point out to her that she has choice, I would suggest counseling or her running away and the state will take control over her (scare tactics can sometimes work) You only have two years left to help her. I know with my mother I was screaming out just for her to tell me I was good, I was pretty, I could do anything, I actually wanted chores. I needed to be needed. I wanted to be wanted. I rebelled and my friends became my family. I never did drugs or had sex, I was just angry and living up to the title I was given. If she gets violent, call the police. She will soon learn that there are reprocussions to her actions. Tough love. (this is all only MY opinion) I am not in your shoes. I was only that type of daughter. I know there are two sides to the story. I'd help her until I couldn't help her anymore. Good luck :)
So sorry eve that u have to go thru that crap , our children end up really angry and usually at us the non drinker , they think we should be able to fix the mess and often see us as the problem . Is it possible that your daughter is using drugs ? that kind of radical change in attitude is often the first clue . Just a thought and truly hope I am wrong . There is a book that someone mentioned here called == I hate you mom - Can u drive us to the mall .??? lady said it was awsome about mother daughter relationships . Teens are in general a royal pain in the butt. hehe but ya gotta love em. Louise
I'm having issues with our 16 year old son. He was involved in sports and great gades, lots of friends, but this year is different. They are right, she's angry about something and doesn't have the skills to deal with it. I know it's a blow. I look back and the one thing I knew I did right was my kids. I've had several teachers tell me how great my kids were and if they had more kids and parents like us their job would be easy...boy what goes on behind closed doorsI remember thinking once years ago that I could handle my AH and the crap that went on, that two parents were far better then divorced parents Now...not so sure that was the correct thought pattern I should have had. I found a counselor for our son. He's had 2 sessions so far, and so far he's agreed to go back. I looked for a non traditional type counselor, not one that he would feel was his dad or mom sitting on the couch. This guy is about 30, has his masters and works with kids. He goes on walks, plays basketball while they talk, whatever...it's not so weird for them that way... The hardest thing I've heard so far is that my son is mad at me for letting it go on for so long. He doesn't believe his dad will continue to be sober and he doesn't believe I'll leave if he relapses. Boy that was hard to swallow...but it's mine to swallow....The other was that he is mad cause I gave his dad so many chances but wouldn't let up on him.....so we are slowly working it out..good days and some bad...don't give up....she's in there somewhere....
If some one asked your daughter "Do you respect your mother and take her seriously?" what would be her answer?
Do you say what you mean, mean what you say and not say it mean? Does she believe you'll follow thru with consequences for her bad behavior? Are there any consequences?
Physical attacks are not a small thing nor are verbal threats. If you don't believe that there is a substance abuse problem causing this change in behavior then I'd get to counseling...even if it were just for me. A child cannot run the show in the home, it is insane to allow it...you are the adult.
Teens can test your limits that's for sure, but there definately has to be some limits. I can only speak for myself as to how I would handle the situation. There's no doubt there would be a huge punishment for physical abuse and the child would know in no uncertain terms that if it ever happens again I'd call the police. It would not be a threat. I'd be getting off those egg shells and stand firm on solid ground, otherwise you may find yourself standing in some deep sh*t..
I would also offer to "listen" (after the dust settles) to try to figure out what the heck is going on. My son has often said "you're not listening to me". I feel the same about him sometimes but I let him say what he needs to say without interruption and it seems to help, he feels he is heard.
I don't ask my son to do much around here since he works in the evenings, also teaches guitar and goes to school. BUT when he did have chores if they weren't done my rule was real simple. He stayed home until they were done. If he was supposed to mow the lawn and didn't, then asked to go to the mall or have someone over......NOPE!! I think that only happened once or twice and he got the message.
Firm Boundaries and unwavering but fair consequences is what has worked for me. Don't be afraid she won't like you. Somewhere in their heads they know the boundaries exist because we love them. The threats of running away are manipulation attempts. She's underage and that will land her in trouble with the law too. I too hope there is no drug involvement but I'd surely take it in to consideration and keep my eyes open for signs.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I have a fourteen year old that frequently goes through these "episodes". I am thankful that recently they have slowed down. I agree with what others have posted, treat them with respect, have firm boundaries, and listen to them. Sometimes they only want to be heard. These things have helped the relationship between me and my daughter in the past 6 months. She also has attended counseling, not sure if that helped, it was over a year ago. Good luck, and don't give up on her yet! Take what you like, and leave the rest!
I remember thinking once years ago that I could handle my AH and the crap that went on, that two parents were far better then divorced parents
