The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been fantastic for a few weeks, really working my programme. I am back at work, working long shifts. It's 11pm, I am up at 6am, and I cannot sleep, my mind is racing, due to the A's behavor...
You know my history with this guy. We had a long time friendship that led to a physical relationship. He could not handle this, comittment. Since then, We have been kind of estranged. We had not set eyes in eachother for 5 weeks. I am working my programme, going out to meetings. He is not going to meetings, also he is staying in more, and isolating.
The thing I am really struggling with tonight. I text him last week, with a message of support, saying "a smile can mean one of many things, sending you a smile, what you receive from it, is up to you"...Because I have detached a whole lot from him, but I still love and miss him. I guess that was my way of saying to him, "Hey, someone cares"...lol
Anyway we live close to eachother, and a few nights later he text me to say, "no meetings tonight". As he can see my car, he knew I had not went out. I did go out, and had switched off my cell phone, so I never got his text until later that night...
My question is????? What the hell is going on here. We don't see eachother, or communicate for weeks, then hes watching to see if I'm in or out, and texting to ask my why I'm not out. Is this typical behavior, he is recovered over 7 years. Is this mind games?.. Does he really want to talk to me...Is he interested in where I am going etc...He senses the changes in me, my whole appearance has changed, I am looking great with the programme. I asked him why, he had never asked my how my new f2f was going, as he knew it was a huge step for me, he replied to text. "never thought about it, been busy", I know he has not been busy.
I met him tonight outside the house, he smiled at me and said, oh, your back at work, but he couldn't get away quick enough...What Is going on here..I am so confused. Should I ask him????? I am trying so hard to keep going, but this is so hard for me.
It's the push/pull game. It is maddening and crazy making. I've been down this road many times. The minute they think they have you is when they go away. The minute you start walking away, then they pursue you. I don't ever want to go through anything like that again. I just spoke with one of my exes who was like this. He finally got married. He told me I was the catalyst to his change. I was the only woman who wouldn't play the game and broke his heart. He said he never wanted to go through that again, so he wound up putting both feet in the next relationship. He is now married. He told me a very straight answer when it comes to this. He said, "When a man really WANTS a relationship to work, he will make it known in actions and words that he WANTS it to work with NO game playing. I thought about what he said and realized that when I WANT something to work, I do what is necessary to make it work. As Greg Behrendt says, "Don't waste the pretty!".
I find in my old relationships that not having any contact at all especially when I don't want to be with them works. By me calling or texting only sends the message that your interested. After being intimate with someone it's less then likely that you are going to have a "normal" friendship. Please don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like your both playing games. If you like him just tell him. Why can't you both recover together? It's none of my business but I get confused with your posts. lol Lots of love.
Whoa ally your right back where u started from , what does he mean by that > what is going on ?? You started the ball rolling again with your text message . alot of men want women in thier lives , thier time thier place with no regard to your feelings . soooooooooooooooo NO one knows whats goin on in his head but him . PERIOD give it up girl .
Sounds to me like he might be asking himself the same question about you - "What is she trying to say here?" Might be best, since communication is so weighted with baggage between you two, to just keep things very very simple. "Hi howarya" if you see him, otherwise, probably best not to communicate.
Hon it is the same old saying,"We cannot rationalize insanity." period.
Don't bother picking it apart. It is a disease.
It would be like asking why are downs syndrome kids so stubborn, nature of the beast.
I have experienced however, that they are so sick in their disease, but they don't want to lose us. The disease however comes first. sober or using.
Relate to the wanting them to know we still care. I thought about that in my experience Ally. Decided it is enabling for me. Because I know it somehow relaxes him to know I am ok. He can keep allowing the diease to control him. Not knowing how I am, where I am, will add to his discomfort, which is what he needs to make him more miserable and hopefully get sick of it all.
Not that it matters with him. He is in the latter stages where he cannot help himslef.
So I hope you won't think about this too much. Is the disease messing with you, so why bother allowing it to control you?
Sounds as if you are both watching each other...since you too mention he's not going to meetings.
One day my sponsor about lost it with me she said "OMG, you are just hanging around waiting for him to toss you a bone." I wanted to say no I'm not, but the truth was I really was! I was living my life, but I was also waiting to see... like one foot in the door, then one toe until finally I realized that that was no way to live.
Kisser's reply has a lot of truth in it. And I'll tell you...You are worth more than any bone he may toss you....
Ally my friend, it sounds like he is confused, and maybe you are too? Wow, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, but I am here to help you sweep them off :) Love, sweepy
My sweet friend, I have had those same cravings -- GIVE ME BACK THOSE THOUGHTS I'VE ALREADY TURNED OVER -- I am in agreement with a few others that have posted and that the game of "cat and mouse" will never have a winner when played between codependents and alcoholics. As said, it takes us back to step 1, literally. I have found myself back at the start line several times, wondering "how in the world could my (A) do this, say this, think this, act this," etc etc.
Let go. For me, those thoughts and that whole line of thinking was POISON. Let go. Let God. There is definately better ideas and concepts to be contemplated in my brain. (such as, what country has the best tasting espresso... or, how tall can my lawn grow before it starts to bother me... or, Beckham really is going to play for the U.K. in World Cup???)
Love you. cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
/10.gif){kind=small}