You go fishing and pull up a thing with fifty legs and a zillion little eyeballs . . . you throw it back real quick! I go fishing in my A for sanity, logic, sound decisions, and I have gotten back scary creatures of the deep. I used to get so outraged by the stuff coming out of him. It is truly outrageous stuff. It defies any attempts to make sense out of it.

This was not an easy or even pleasant thing to do . . . but I just stopped listening to him. It preserves my sanity, though I can't say I feel GREAT regarding my husband as a babbling sick man. I was an RN and worked in psychiatry most of my career, and after a while, when a patient spouts gibberish to you or calls you foul names you "detatch", you feel neither fear, anger, or even pity, it's just their mental illness. It does them and me no good to react.

I've had to wade hip deep through my own feelings . . . but this is my HUSBAND spouting crap, he shouldn't be doing this, why won't he just STOP IT???!!! How could he possibly insist that X happened? Why doesn't he SEE . . . and so on.

Like I said, it's hard on my heart to disregard my own husband's words. It defies all definitions of marraige to me. There's little if any respect to be had for him, which I think is about the worst thing of all. BUT, I maintain my integrity and my own sanity. I am not skipping through the daisies in joy over how I've learned to cope with him, but I am functioning and staying sane more or less.

Thanks for posting this R! I needed to put this into words today.

Yes, I know what you mean, now. When I first met my A, I had NO experience with Aism. I am a very honest and direct person, and most times, forget everyone isn't the same, so I tend to believe everything (maybe it's called gullible?) LOL
A few months into our relationship, I mentioned something he had told me while he was drunk ( I also couldn't tell then how much he had drank). He said, "oh, that was the booze talking." I still didn't have a clue what he meant. It took quite a while for me to understand that I should never believe him when he's drinking. I guess you call it the Dr. Jeckle, Mr. Hyde syndrome? He is such a different person when he drinks! ( one that I certainly don't even like!!) As time went on, things got more and more ridiculous. He figured everything should be forgiven and forgotten 'cause it was the booze talking! I said ok, I'm a woman, and if I get drunk and have sex with someone, it should be ok, 'cause I was drunk? That got a wake-up out of him!
I know for a fact that he really doesn't remember most of the BS that he told me when he was drunk (Jeckle/Hyde thing?). My problem was that I couldn't remember if he was drunk or sober when he told me a lot of stuff when we first got together LOL. He gives me some really strange looks sometimes! I guess wondering where THAT came from! We should all be Physcoligists (sp?) LOL! Your post sure brought back some memories! Love, TLC

So true, Rtexas, there isn't a secret, it's more like forcing myself to make a "better" habit out of how I respond when my A is suffering from one of his own problems and wants me to fix it. I've had to apologize to him for being mean, and that is REALLY hard, and there's a little part of me that screams UNFAIR!! when I take responsibility for my responses to his extreme behavior.

I just feel better in general when I take that moment and say something like Rtexas said. I have this one life to live, that I know of. I've spent too long reacting to him and everyone else. It's wasted time, nothing I could do or say would make a difference, so why not reframe it all right quick and not fill myself up with resentment? For me it's sometimes easy and then others my mouth starts going and INEVITABLY I regret getting so angry . . . it makes me feel so awful, it's worth it to swallow my initial response and say something more neutral.

I used to think that my angry reactions would eventually "work", or in the least, he deserved my angry response for being such a screw up, and how dare he shove his own mistake on me? I'm being a doormat if I don't stand up for myself! Those are just "beliefs" I have, perhaps they'd have some effect on a person in their right mind, but for me I'm not dealing with that right now.

Hey RT

I had lunch with my old sponsor today (she lives out of state now) and this was her piece of wisdom for me...."The horns on his head fit the holes in your." LOL This was said after I tried to explain how I challenged his truths --- I'm still laughing -- it is insane to try to deal with the A when the "booze is talking."

Luna