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I am frustrated and so tired of my sober a of almost 10yrs turning every conversation about work and money into him being the victim. I have tried detaching wiht love and it works great but I am still thinking doing that will make him do the right thing in his own time..Doesn't happen! My A;s job is up/down and he has not worked but 1 day in the last 2 weeks..Weather related and not his fault but I was asking if he could go do some temp work to make ends meet..He has prograstinated, lied and hid out daily to avoid doing this. But of course there is no reason except to say the financial problems we are in are because I want too much. And now he has nothing to look forward to cuz we can't go on vacation. I am wondering how he thinks I feel working full time 40hrs a week and still have no money cuz I am covering all the bills or trying to. All he can say is poor him and sorry hes not a doctor or lawyer..I am not asking him to be just to pitch in..I realize I can't make him see this so I am at a loss what to do..I think he seriously needs to grow up. HIs answer to all problems is for him to leave the house and live with his family! I am sick of dealing with immaturity yet despite this subject he is a sweet caring person as long as no one is making any demands or asking for him to help out..
Any ideas? Just needed some sympathy I suppose! ha
Financial issues must be in the air - but with the disease of alcoholism - sober or active drinking - sometimes money issues always seem to be a problem.
This is still very much a challenge in our household. Progress not perfection. I have set boundaries and asked for a set $ amount each pay period. Sometimes I get it sometimes I don't.
The pay periods I get the money, then I make sure I pay the bills & buy the things we need for our household (food, household needs, etc.) The pay periods, he says he can't help, I only get the stuff I need. Now, for me this is a little easier because we have no children at home. We have seperate checking accounts. I also set limits by not paying his car ins., giving money for gas, cigerettes, etc.
We, my AH & I, are 4 yrs into recovery and it takes every ounce of program for us to do this. We don't communicate well on money, finances, bills and expenses. It's just nasty. He doesn't always understand my need for safety in this area and I'll never understand why I have to "ask" him to help out - why can't he just do this on his own.
We take it One Day at a Time. It very much pushed me & him out of our comfort zones, but we are trying to work it out and I guess that it what it is all about.
Keep trying to do what is best for you - even if it feels a little uneasy. It's ok to set a boundary, take care of yourself, and ask for fair needs in your home.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
What would happen if you say "ok fine, then go...goodbye" Do you think he would make it a week at his parents? Do you think his parents would actually let him live there for free? Sometimes letting them see that the grass isn't greener may be a wake up call. OR..... What if you suggested that he pays half of the bills right down the middle? I know with my ahsober I had to put the bills right in front of him and give him the calculator and add them up for himself. I cut down and the first thing to go was the sports channel!! lmbo He worked! I know yours probably isn't so easy. My good friend is going through this with her boyfriend. I showed her the ways to make it without him financially but she doesn't have the determination. I also showed her how she could do it with him and yet again, she would rather be with him, broke and complain. I have to quit listening to it because I can not hear it anymore when there IS something she can do about it. I hope you find a way sweetheart, you sound stable and I have no doubt that you can handle your own ;) Lots of love ^i^
When my A goes down that road of poor ole me, I have but one reply for him:
"It's not all about you."
Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean. And for me that really sums it up. Then I walk away...I can't listen to the sob story anymore. I can't change my A but I don't have to listen to his reasoning either -- it's too much.
I think this is the hardest part of the disease. They can't see the reality of the situation. My AH bounced a bunch of checks last week adding up to an extra $350 in fees, etc. Now we don't have the money to pay our car payment. He kept trying to blame the bank for charging fees, or me for not giving him more money up front. I said, this is not the bank's fault and it is not my fault. If you don't balance your account, you bounce checks and incur the fees.
I think this is related to enabling. I pay the bills and balance the checkbook, he just assumes that the money is there to be spent and it will all work out in the end. I don't really have a solution because he is not responsible enough to pay the bills himself. But, finding some way for him to be accountable for something is a reasonable start.
I lose sleep over money (or the lack thereof). I don't think there is an easy solution.
Well, money is an issue but in a different way with my AHsober. He manipulates the relationship because he makes more than me. He calls the shots. We are separated but he is still somewhat financial responsible. He has become deceptive about what he spends his money on. He gets mad when I don't pay a bill on time. I realize now that he controlled the money and therefore had a lot of power. He use to criticize me for making expenditures. Too much, too frivolous, where does it go? So I am doing everything I can to be financially independent.
My AH used to work construction, and we had the same problem. I have always covered the bills, and when he did make good money, he would blow it on what he wanted! Now the bills are split down the middle, and I do not pay for the extras-car insurance, cigarettes, ect. He even has to buy his own food now, as we don't live together. I also put the actual bills right in front of him and let him figure for himself how much they were. It helped some. He still complains that they are too much, and he doesn't have anything left. I can't feel sorry for him any more. He has to be responsible for himself and pay his own way. As long as we have a roof over our heads and food to eat, all is well!! Just my experience, take what you like and leave the rest!
Family finances and alcoholism add to up to giant nightmare. My H has been sober almost 10 months, and we are still trying to repair the damage. He always got angry if there wasn't enough money for booze, but he got it anyway. We would sometimes be down to our last $40, needing milk and bread, and H still spent half of it on a half gallon of booze. No matter what the situation, he had to have it.
As for my side, I shuffled the bills around month after month, trying to keep checks from bouncing, trying to make sure this credit card or that one wasn't going to go over it's limit. I didn't feel as if I had a choice at the time, but of course I did. I could have let the checks bounce, incurred the fees, etc.
Maybe this is your H feeling guilty about his actions, so he's blaming himself which allows this self pity to creep in. When my H does that, I remind him that it was not his actions alone that got us here, and that not all of this mess can be attributed to the boozing.
Just a thought, it may or not apply, but I always try to ask myself what H might be feeling.
I lived with something very similar for 7 years. The A also always had his friends in two. He couldnt' just work with people they had to move in on us!!!
He had no boundaries at all. If he worked with someone he'd also be their best friend and the blurring was incredible. So were our finances. He maintains he paid more. He didn't of course. In the last few years his working has been spotty to say the least. He'd make money now and again but then there would be a huge desert. And I always coughed up. Part of my real resentment at the moment is over his total irresponsibility. Another is procrastiantion. The A procrastinated everything and then he would weep and moan about not getting his ambitions and dreams accomplished (guess who he blamed for that).
There were always huge dreams and very little actions. I found it hugely toxic and numbing and fear ruled my life. Everything was cut off from time to time from the phone to the electricity to eventually he didnt' pay the rent.
i dont' envy you. At ths same time I felt for years I needed him to help me pay my way. I dont' now so where was my thinking. I also felt hugely fearful of breaking up our home. I did break it up and the costs have been tremendous. At the same time there's been tremendous relief and space for me.
I think that point of trying to juggle it all is very very time consuming. The irony for me of course is that I am 2/3 months out of the A's life and I am still consumed with dealing with issues around his messes. I won't always be but the mess is tremendous.
