The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My Ahsober no longer in our home. Since he doesn't want to be defined as an A, he is not actively working a program nor will had admit that aism played any part in our dysfunctional marriage. So, he is just getting more and more bitter. Don't know for sure, but I think he has his A girlfriend giving him counsel and feeding his pity. Okay, so I get the "work on me" thing, and I am trying, but our kids are miserable and I believe we owe it to them to give up without trying. So, I composed this "plan"; something for us both work on. I'd like your feedback even though I strongly suspect it's not going to be what I want to hear
While I agree that separating was a necessary step for us, I have concerns that we did so without a plan.Regardless of whether we stay married or not, we will always be co-parents of our children and I believe that we owe them a situation in which we have the healthiest relationship possible.
Ultimately, we must fix ourselves, and through self-improvement and learning to love ourselves, we can positively influence our kidss lives and hopefully improve our interactions with each other as well.In order to obtain such a thing, I am asking you if we can develop a plan for moving forward.This is what I am thinking.For 90 days,
I will commit to continuing individual counseling
I will attend Al-anon twice a week (though I may need your help with the kids one evening, Ill take them to C.R. if you cant)
I will get a sponsor and commit myself to working the 12 steps
I will be open to addressing some of yours items of concern (ie- my follow-thru) in counseling
For your part, I ask that for 90 days you
Commit to attending AA meetings at least 3 times a week- maybe you can find a homegroup that you like better than serenity
Meet with your sponsor on a regular weekly basis and work the 12 steps
Consider attending the Mens Bible Study
Of course, these are just my ideasI just think it is really important that we actively focus on ourselves for a while. After 90 days, we can reassess where we are at. I think by committing to a plan and working on our emotional and spiritual health, we have nothing to lose and everything to gain, particularly in terms of the emotional well being of the kids.
Let me know what you think.
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
You could write up the best, most balanced contract but if the other party is not willing to abide by it, it's worthless.
In your position, I certainly would not want to hear this. I'm sorry!! My heart really goes out to those kids, who I suspect you are putting all this effort out for.
In my experience with my A, what would convince any sane person in their right mind would be construed as downright offensive by my A. He is so defensive and protective of his pain, willingness to use drugs and alcohol whenever he feels the urge, that speaking to him about any sort of natural, normal "give and take" is impossible. The impossibility of it forces the responsibility entirely on me. My forehead still aches from banging it into a brick wall. I'm tired of hurting, and I see in other's experiences that I can tend to myself so that's what I do.
I think the only harm that would come from it would be harm to you and your heart. I have outlined what I wanted, needed, expected from my AH and sometimes he would agree and things would go smoothly for a bit and then BAM! He would then blame me for "making" him be a certain way and that would be his reasoning for using again or having an affair. So, I stopped doing that and decided to love him for who he is, warts and all. He still blamed me for everything from his awful childhood to the weather. Conclusion is he is an alcoholic. That is what they do. I understand that because I do it too. I HATE this disease. I HATE having to deal with this fallout for the rest of my life. Honey, what worked for me was whatever I felt I needed to do at the time. Looking back I did so many things that I really didn't have to do and which only hurt myself. But I felt like I had to try. So, whatever you decide just know that we support you and love you and WE will be here for you.
Yes, I know I am setting myself, but I figure if he rejects it I am in the same situation and if he agrees, things could possibly get better. Our kids are breaking my heart. Last night my 10 yr old started sobbing when her dad left. She then asked me what I thought was going to happen. When I told her I didn't know, she begged me to "just predict"; she hates the uncertainty too. The kids won't talk to thier dad about their feelings and he certainly won't ask, because he doesn't want to know!
The whole blaming thing is well, for lack of a better word, stupid. He cannot live with me because my office is messy, I don't take all tasks to completion, and I tend not to have a structured breakfast for my kids - it makes him mad if I empty the dishwasher before the kids go to school. Oh, and I have no passion. I see those defects in character minor compared to infidelilty and abandoning the family through addiction, but hey, that's just my opinion..... Of course, he also belives alcoholism played no role at all in our marriage and it is a total coincidence that we perfectly fit the characters of an A and his wife.
He also claims that I want him to be someone he is not. Yes, I want him out of that self-pity, victim, blaming, angry state. Aaaahhh!
Whew! Thanks for the forum to vent. If the opportunity presents itself I may present my "plan" - with no expectation other than he may turn it against me - he is brillaint at that! Other than that, I will lay low and try, try try to be happy.
Thanks for your support,
Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I just wanted to share with you that I am raising children who are 7,6,6. I have been raising them alone since they were infants because I had to remove the A from our home. My husband worked on and off for his recovery and came back home for a year or so. He had to leave our house due to his job and then I found out he was back drinking. I can tell you this. Children are better with ONE secure parent then two screwed up ones. I can tell you from experience you can ask for anything and everything and it will only make them mad (the A) and you will not get your way. I learned I had to live for me and my children. I lived as if he were no longer in the picture. I knew I could not take my revenge out on him by using my children so he was allowed to talk to them as many times as he wished as long as I spoke with him for a bit first to make sure he was sober. There were times I even listened in on the conversations. I was allowing visits every other weekend but soon realized he would come drunk or had drank by the smell of him. So I cut off visits. Yes the kids were devastated but I sat them down and explained how it was MY job as their parent to make sure they are safe. They were told about daddy's sickness and how he is trying. I never once bad mouthed their father. I encouraged them to pray for him, they did. Once he became sober we have put back visitations. He comes every other weekend and spends quality time. He knows my rules are not to be broken. He lives 4 hours away due to work and he knows I will have him drive back if I smell alcohol. My ahsober has been sober for a while now and my children know that it's a battle for him. My best advice is to talk to your Ahsober and ask that you two put a plan into affect to where the kids can see him as much as they can. With his history, you would like to be present but sit away from them to not interupt their time. I believe once he see's that you are not hounding him and giving him his space he may give you a bit more respect. I know when it comes to being a mother that we do not like the fact that there may not be a "family unit" as we had planned and we can literally mourn that. It hurts bad! The most important thing right now is making sure the children have two stable parents and not know anything about the adult problems. We are here for you. You would be amazed at what children understand. Children should NEVER hear adult problems. They need to be made to feel safe and secure even if the parents are apart. A ten year old should understand, my six and seven year olds did. I let them know it was ok to cry and miss daddy and that mommy cries for him too sometimes. I let them know that what they think is perfectly normal. Even though me and ahsober are together they still cry for him, they are just sweet kids. (my ahsober still works 4 hours away and comes every other weekend) My children have adjusted very well. Ahsober and I have cell phone so they can talk all the time, and text, and email :) Again, these are my opinions so please take what you want and leave the rest. I've been through alot so feel free to pm me if you'd like to talk. Your in my prayers sweetheart. (((HUGS)))
