The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been finding myself pondering the thought that my A could decide to get better and we could live happily ever after again (damn that hope!) and have been thinking about the girl that he has gone to jail over or with twice now. It kills me that I love him so much and he would just go find someone else and I really don't know if I could forgive and forget that. I think it was easier when I thought he was going to prison for 5-10 and he was just out of the picture. Part of me is thinking yay, maybe now he'll get a job and pay support and it won't all be on me and the other part says ya for about a week or two until he screws it all up again. I find myself frequently feeling torn between being resentful that he doesn't ever get his comeuppins and releived that he doesn't have to pay the price he so justly deserves. I have been thinking about him more now that I know he could potentially show up at my door any moment. I hate to say this but sometimes I wish I could find a "replacement" or at least some decent guy to take up my attention - then I think I don't really have the time or energy to put forth the effort that a "decent" guy would deserve. Just wanted to get that all out....
Just a suggestion - How about read your post from last week about how excited & pumped you were about school & stuff? Hopefully that will help you remember that regardless of whether your AH is in jail, drinking, hanging out with other women, or whatever he chooses to do - You - Yes, YOU have worked your tail off to take care of those precious children - taken the risk to go back to school and make a better life for You & them.
You & Your HP have accomplished so much.
Yes, I'm sure there are still emotions, hurts and scars that need to be felt and healed - I just wanted to remind you of how far you have come, what a wonderful inspiriation it has been to watch you overcome your pain and thrive to be a healthier person, a better mom and most of all to live Happy, Joyous and Free.
It's ok to feel your pain, journal, write those "FU" letters, and burn them, and vent away - Process the stuff you are going thru - but I just also wanted you to have a reminder of what an awesome job of recovery you & your HP have done in your life. And ya'll did it without a man or your AH or any other "outside" stuff - You did it by taking care of YOU. You deserve to be proud of YOU.
Thanks so much for sharing your recovery with us,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I hear that, I am still planning on continuing on my path no matter what he does, I just wish I had someone to share that with - I'm not saying I want a man to rely on, just one to spend some time with who I enjoy and enjoys me! I agree I'm much better and don't want to go back to where I was. I want a little more that's all...
The thing that helped me detach with love was finally realizing that I was dealing with two people.. My son and the A/DA. When I seperated the two of them I was able to say to my self, my son would not do this that or the other but the addict would. I love my son but I detest the addict and what it has done to him and to those that love him.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
This is what I did. I knew I didn't want to start a brand new relationship over again because my children are young and I really didn't want to go through another mess with another guy. No one knows if I would attract another A so here's what I did and it worked for me. I decided I would start going to church and see where that lead me. It finally hit me one day when in service the pastor said "you shall not put another before me" and there it was.....the man I was looking for who would love me no matter what my fault, and who would help take care of my children, who would make sure I had a roof over my head was there the whole time. My HP. I finally let him in and things started to turn around. I would have never in a million years of thought that I would believe in my HP, I would have thought you were nuts. But things are so much better and I am getting everything I am asking for because I turned it over to him. My children are happy, my dh is sober, I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge and I am blessed with friends and family because I put my HP before anything else. I believe you do not have to give up on your A if you love him, just pray for him. If it's meant to be he will be there. When you feel it's time to move on do your research. I bought books (self help) haha Don't laugh. I had to make sure I was't ruined from the disease. In 8 years I was sure that men had changed. I wanted to make sure I could live without the "excitement" of alcoholism and know how to be normal with a good man. I didn't wait for ah to become sober, I was moving and praying for him for the sake of my kids. But my HP has a huge sense of humor and made my ah sober! Go figure, just when I was finally ready to let go. That's why I believe there is power in prayer. There are good men out there. We have a few on our board (wink wink) lol I believe you will have happiness one day. I really do. Lots of love to you.
I have always done the leave one relationship start another model. I had years of not dating too. I do sometimes long to be rescued but I also know where that got me.
I am through really hoping the A will respond. He has not hit bottom yet. He may never do it.
