The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
30 years ago, I witnessed the death of a friend and neighbor, and that event set into motion a lot of changes in my life. I was married to my daughter's dad, she was a year old, we lived in the state where I am from. On Memorial Day evening, in 1977, we were watching TV, when we heard someone screaming...it was the girl who lived next to us in our duplex. My ex ran outside after her, and I ran into their apartment, looking for her husband. We did not know what was wrong. I ran downstairs into the basement, and there he was, lying in a pool of blood, he had been shot in the head with a 44, but was still breathing. Deep, heaving breaths, (which I was told later, was just a body shutting down reaction. He was basically already gone at that point.) I dropped down on my knees beside him, and held him. I stayed with him until the squad came and took him away. He died. He and his wife had only been married 9 days. He was 23 years old. The gun was still in his hand when I knelt beside him. His death was not ruled a suicide, though, which was good, maybe his family was able to collect insurance. It was ruled an accidental death. I don't know what it was. He and his wife had spent the day with family playing cards, they were not arguing. I felt so sorry for her. Their wedding pictures came in the day before the funeral. We went to his funeral and I put a little silver cross in his pocket. Somehow, they were able to patch him up and have an open casket funeral. I could not get over what I had seen. I had never witnessed anything that terrible before or since. I couldn't work. I couldn't care for my baby girl. All I could do was cry. My Mom took my daughter until I could feel better. I could still smell what I smelled in the basement that night, the blood, the gunpowder. I would go in our basement and see blood that wasn't there, as our basements were separated by a brick wall. I thought I was going crazy. I signed myself into a psych hospital for 3 days. All they did was dope me up on valium until I couldn't function. The docs told me I didn't have a problem, but my husband did. (Granted, he had a LOT of problems, which is a whole other story). They did not help me deal with any of the trauma. Two months later, we packed up and moved 900 miles away. Away from my mom, my sisters, my family. 6 months later, I took my daughter and moved away from my husband, and filed for divorce. I stayed in the state we had moved to. I have been here for 30 years now. Only see my family twice a year, if that. For many years, I had defiined myself by that single incident. I didn't learn until years later that what I had was PTSD. A counselor told me a couple of years ago something that made sense, finally. She told me I was not that event, it was just something that happened to me, but it did not have to define who or what I was, or wanted to be. I spent a lot of years in a lot of pain and confusion. I have tried to talk to my now AH about it, but he just tunes me out. Doesn't want to hear about that part of my life, I guess. Want him to understand why I hate guns so much. I do not know what eventually happened to my friend's wife. I hope she went on with her life, remarried, had kids, and has been happy. I wish that for her so much. So, this is in memory of GRF, and hopefully I can finally let this go after 30 years. It is time. Love in Recovery, Becky1
What a shock you had. I understand PTSD (post traumatic syndrome disorder) as I've been treated in the past for it because of my dysfunctional childhood and some of the traumatic things that happened to me.
Professionals told you there was no problem? How sad.
I like what your counselor told you - that "I was not that event." I lost a lot of my childhood and finally got good counseling when I was about 28 years old. I wish I'd known about Al-Anon or Al-Teen back then, but I didn't. Maybe the time just wasn't right for me, I don't know, but I do know that my HP got me to Al-Anon where I could start really letting go of the past.
Letting go doesn't mean that I've forgotten it. It does mean I can talk about it now without getting highly emotional. I've been able to help many people by sharing what happened to me and how I dealt with it, so I'm glad I found something positive to do with it.
