The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know there is probably not alot of you on the board this weekend with the holiday and all, but I guess I need some E,S,and H. This weekend kicked off horrible. Friday I had to take the kiddos to the doctor for their 4-year old shots, but unfortunately I was feeling terrible. The medicine the dentist had me on for my tooth infection was really tearing up my stomach and I had such pain all day, I couldn't go back to work after the doc visit. So, I put the kids down for a nap and just laid on the bed, feeling so alone and in pain. Being a single mom is tough stuff, its not for sissy's that's for sure. LOL!! So, I called AH when he got off from just to see if he could stop home for a few hours to help out with the kids. He was more than happy, and ended up asking his house manager for a weekend pass. I had some trepidation about this, but I prayed about it and just resigned to enjoy him as best as I could and was given an opportunity for HP to show me just how he's coping with sobriety.
He was great on Friday evening, made the kids dinner, bathed them, put them down to bed, really gave them that good quality time. Saturday was good too, we spent some one on one time with one of the boys who's been having some trouble coping with all of this, then spent the evening with his family. At some point in the night he said can we please go to a meeting? So I said of course, we arranged for child care and went. The meeting topic was on relapse; which I will get to in another post because it was quit interesting considering the questions and the anxieties some of us on the board have shared recently on relapse. Lots of cross-talk in this meeting; which was a turn off for both, but we decided to take what we liked and left the rest. AH made 30 days on the 24th of this month and his sponser gave him his chip that night at the meeting. He expressed some true passion Saturday night after the meeting that was suprising for me to hear. Sunday (today) we were to go to his sponser's church so that a. My AH could do his 3rd step and b. for us to see if we even liked the church.
This morning rolls around and AH wakes up grumpy, we stayed up until 2am watching movies. He immediately says I have an attitude; which I did not but I was very tired and my mouth was throbbing from the surgery on Monday, so I was quiet at best. We get to the church and I step out to have a smoke before going in. AH says put your cig butt in the car instead of dropping it because we're in a serious drout here in Florida. I said well I'd rather throw it in the trash instead of smelling up the car. He immediately gets defensive and basically says I'm the man of this house and your supposed to do as I say!! I said sorry but no that is not going to work. O.K. I understand what a man's role is, I've had hopes and dreams that he would one day want to assume this role, but he has not. I've been the head of this house for the last five years, a job I really didn't want but had no choice of taking with an A for a husband who was out there making bad choices. All of a sudden he gets some sobriety and want this role and I should just bow down? I can't. Not to mention, I'm not sure if he truly understands what submission is supposed to look like. To submit there has to be trust, kindness, love, a gentle attitude and spirit, not using force, or manipulation and control to get people in the home to agree. Is this not true?
Cutting to the chase, his sponser is a nice person, definitely has a good program, and has talked with my AH about his role in the home briefly. His sponser is in agreement that being separated right now for the purpose of my husband achieving sobriety and sanity and a good direction in his life is needed. We get home.... I agreed to take AH grocery shopping with me to spare some money for food. He paid all his bills this week but none left over for food. I realized I didn't have as much in the checking account as I though and simply said, we'll have to split this money between us. He got this look on his face like Oh Great!! I got pissed, I said well I could just put all of it to groceries at my house!! He got pissed back and basically cussed me out saying don't threaten me blah blah blah. He went inside got his things together, kissed the kids goodbye and left. Then makes phone calls later today, not to talk about what happened just to call for no real reasons. This was a good revelation for me to see that he's not ready to be home, he's not ready to be a husband or a father, although he's all those things. Sobriety doesn't mean they just automatically get this great attitude and become healthy in their communication. That is quite clear to me. I have heard lots of people in Alanon say, "when he's sober he/she is a wonderful person and we get along so well". That just isn't the case with us. There are still misconceptions in scewed perceptions in our communication. When does this get better? Does this ever get better? I had said to AH that once he was done with his 6th step that might be a good time to integrate him back into the home. Is this a misconception on my part? Just because they do the steps doesn't mean that these attitudes change. I think about the "promises" of AA one that says, that people who work the steps will see tremendous changes in their life before they are even half way through. I guess maybe this is not a true statement for everyone but only those who really do a fearless searching moral inventory. Honesty is the true key I do believe.
Just want some E,S, and H on other's experiences of those first days of sobriety when their A's have really been working the program. I can see my AH is working his steps for the first time in his life; which is a miracle in itself. Where do I fit in in all of this? I am working my steps as well, and have been making very good progress, but its in these times when I don't see much change by way of how he deals with his emotions and with us in the home that I get discouraged. Is this program really working for him?
Thanks for listening and giving any feedback its greatly appreciated. Wishing all of you a blessed and peaceful rest of the weekend.
Peace and Living One Day At A Time, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I swear when you talk about your situation it sounds so similiar to what I have been through and still go through some of it. I personally feel my ahsober should take parenting classes. Like you, I have been raising my three along for six years. Who is he to walk in and think I can just turn it all over to him? Sorry but my respect has to be earned. What I told my ahsober is that I am the one that raises them and if he can not respect me then he can leave. Because my life with the kids were running just as smooth as it can be. I would be more then happy to fill him in on the things he missed and tell hiim what the kids likes and dislikes are but he has to be grown up enough to sit and listen. It wasn't a stab at him, I was trying to help him catch up. My ahsober would NEVER give me the "I'm the man of the house" speech because I would laugh my butt off at him, he knows better. That's only because he knows if I turned everything over to him it would all end up being owed, or foreclosed on and there is NO WAY he could handle our kids any longer then a weekend. I know even though he's only been sober a bit and he's trying very hard that I am not ready for him to be back in the home yet or for us to move to where he is. I now have expectations about raising my children and I meet them. My husbands attitute sometimes is still childish and I don't want to take care of another child who claims to be this manly man. SO I just enjoy all the nice times I have and know he's going back to the other coast in a few days. He has plenty of time to work on the things I can not deal with while he's alone. If he doesn't then oh well. All I know is I can do it all by myself if need be so its up to him if he wants to be a part of us. He totally knows what I DON'T want in him :) It's all in their actions, we are very aware of our surrounding now. (this is my experience) I hope it makes you feel a bit better to know your not alone and that I am going through it too. We are strong momma's, pretty close to supermom's. I know I am :) hehehe
Your post reminds of when my son went into treatment. I didn't know what to expect when he came home... But I soon found out it surely wasn't what I was expecting. I guess I wanted sobriety to turn back the clock to a time before..I am sad to say it just is not so. I use to think...If he would just get straight! The things was, he got straight and still did alot of things I didn't like. I have found that we are at, where we are at now...and it takes some work, for both of us...The one day at a time stuff...I like what a member here says..They are stark raving sober..LOL Just about sums it up doesn't it? Hang in there Twinmom and I hope you get to feeling better soon.
I am way too new to have any ES or H, but I can say that I understand the frustration you feel. My AH diligently worked the program for about the first two weeks following rehab and then tapered off. Three months later he decided that he didn't want to be defined as an alcoholic, therefore didn't need a sponsor or to go to AA anymore. I think it was a smart move on your part to be separated from your AH so early in the recovery process. My AH sober (4 mos) has been out of the house for 3 weeks now and he is still grumpy much of the time. I can only fantisize about being in the situation where he wants to come back home. I've decided that should such an opportunity arise, in which he wants to move back (not likely) that it will be under certain conditions a) at least 4 meetings a week b) twice a wk with his sponsor, and c) staying out of the house at least 6-8 wks more while the pattern gets established. Is this controlling or setting boundaries, I am not sure..... My heart goes out to you. From what I understand, what you are experiencing is not unusual. Why else would the early recovery period be termed "stark raving sober"?
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
,Your post reminded me of 2 people in my life, my Ex and my A. (my ex is ACOA). My Ex, although he never drank, is sooo much more like an A than my A is! He was never a father to our kids. Except that he worked and I didn't, it was like being a single Mom. I paid the bills, I had all the responsibility,I went camping with the kids, I disapplined them, I.... was mother and father to them yadda yadda.. I guess he is an Acolohic that is stark raving sober. According to what my daughter tells me, his present wife is going through all the things that I did! He will never change. My life with my A hasn't always been a picnic, that's for sure, but has been a H*** of a lot better than it was with my Ex. My kids love and respect him, I believe, more than they do my Ex. At least when he is sober, he is 'normal' LOL, whatever that is! I saw a program on tv that compared the brain of a 40 year old man who had used drugs a lot, to a 40 year old who hadn't. It showed the brain activity of the two of them. The drug user's brain didn't have any activity in a certain area. That was scary!! (My A's son is 40, is a heavy user, and is totally irresponsible), and by the looks of that, always will be. Then again, my A is sooo much more responsible than my Ex ever was! Maybe it is just the way they are, period, and has nothing to do with how much they drank or used? I know I wasn't compatable in any way with my Ex. The only thing we had in common was that we both loved him! I think for the most part, us Alanoners are a certain personality type, caretakers, and our A's have much in common with other A's. Who knows?? I sure don't! Take what you want, and leave the rest! Love TLC
I hope today is going better for you! I can't share about how my wife will react under those circumstances, cause we are just not there yet... But I can tell you about me.
About a year ago, I had a program for about 3 months and with the knowledge that this had literally saved my life, I had about a 1 month period where I decided to work step 12 first!
I became a Alonomaniac! I tried to preach and teach everyone who might have the slightest hint of an 'ism aura around them. I heard that I could only save myself and only work on me.... but I wanted EVERYONE to do it to! LOL
That was the same period where I tried to make up for every moment that not been a good dad or husband. I fixed everything around the house and played every board game in the place until my kids were tired of seeing me.
Guess that was my version of stark raving ... something.
My father changed quite a bit when he got sober, although he still had a lot of anger. My son bounces back and forth. He is either out there... or back to normal. Dosen't seem to be any in-between with him.
So, I can only share that everyone is different, and only time will tell if these are fleeting adjustments (overkill) on emotions that will mellow over time, or not. While my wife is still active... she has great days and days that just suck. I am trying to stay away from the extremes for my own sanity. That is all I can do, but it's tough sometimes.
I hope for you that you can find some middle ground too that you are comfortable with while he rides the waves back and forth.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers... Keep your chin up, I think you are doing great!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Sorry you weren't feeling well and had a tough time of it. In a nutshell: you don't have anything to do with his sobriety/recovery. It's up to him. All you can do is be loving and supportive, but it's really up to him. Your responsibility is to your recovery. That's it. Go back and read my post curteousy of Abbyal called: Are you ready for his sobriety? It's a very good piece that she posted when I first came here.
Much love and blessings to you and the family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
He's not going to make up for how many years of not being an adult, not learning coping skills, not taking responsibility for his own emotions or anything else, in 30 days.
He has to learn how to be a man, not the mask of a man hiding his addiction he was before, but a true adult. This will take some time, considering he will also be fighting cravings and the temptation to go back to the easier but more deadly path of drinking.
If he honestly keeps working on his program, he will grow, and become a new man. Whether you like that new man, is something you guys will have to find out, when the time comes. Until then, the only thing for you to do is become the new woman you want to be.
I'd say, cherish the good moments of your weeksend, let go of the bad - taking responsibility for your part in both the good and bad.
I waited 6 months with him out and sober, he lost everything he ever thought he had, and then went and screwed up whatever he took with him when he left. He hit rock bottom and was ready to die. Then he stopped drinking, on his own! I waited 6 months, like I said, and then even six more with me seeing him gradually more and more until we were going steady again. Then I let him move in.
It was great at first, new place, new start, new lives together. took about 2 years to eventually fall back downhill. Not all at once by any means, just a little by little worse as time went by. Those old behaviours started to slowly develop again, old worries in my head and old reactions to the same old situation developing afresh as he started doing the same things as before.
After that, my feeling about it that I don't trust him. Ever. I don't care if he never drinks another drop for ten years....the possibility will still be there that we could be boarding that old rollercoaster again for another ride. I just can't do it again, no matter how much I love him, no matter how great those sober ten years might be.
Personally, I REFUSE to let anyone ever control my heart and my life like that again. I REFUSE to let anyone ever bring me to my knees like that again. That is the result of going through those hard times, when I could really use someone to lean on as a single mom of two kids myself. When I could really use a hand because it IS too much for one person alone.
I have learned to look after myself, and if the dishes need to wait, if the kids need to wait, then they will.
Think about it now, if you could have gotten a baby sitter to take him to his meeting, could you not have gotten one to take the kids while you were sick? Was this an excuse to call him up and see him? Only you can answer that.
I still see you holding up that shiining light of hope somewhere in your heart that this will all get better, if only this happens if only that happens. The bottom line is, either you accept him WITH the disease, or not at all, because he will always have it, forever. This is not going to go away even if he never drinks another drop again.
I know exactly what you mean. My AH has been sober for 2 months and at first everything was wonderful. But then his old attitude reared its ugly head and we have been butting heads for the last month. He has been moody and touchy and makes me worry about relapse. I have been told that the age the A started drinking is usually the age that they act when they sober up. So if he started drinking as a teen, you can imagine how immature he could be. I think that is true to an extent.
My husband and I didn't seperate, but I feel like I have been a single mother for the last 2 years and there is no way I am handing over the reigns to him just yet.
I don't have an real advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I know exactly where you are coming from.
