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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Where is the line?
Post Info TOPIC: Where is the line?
pabell


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Where is the line?
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    I know that my husbands recovery is his recovery and not mine.  I know it's not my business and I can not control him or the alcohol, and I am not responisible for it.  I know all this and I believe all this.  But warning lights are screaming in my brain and in my house right now and I'm having a hard time ignoring them.  I guess I'm being tested.  lol...
    So here's whats going on...My husband has been drinking for the last 20 years.  Alochol is his drug of choice.  This is is third attempt at sobriety in 2 years.  He has been sober from alcohol for 5 months, but I'm pretty sure he is back to smoking pot.  He went into a 30day inpatient treatment program and then a 10week outpatient treatment program, and now is in a extended outpatient program where he attends a group meeting once a week and is suppose to attend outside AA meetings at least twice a week.   He's been really grumpy lately, states he hates his group, that they are all a@#$%#$@.  That he doesn't need their kind of feedback.  When I asked what they were saying he said that when he vents about me, our son, and the dogs they jump on him and they tell him he's on the road to relapse.  (This group is monitored by a serenity lane counselor)  My husband states he doesn't get along with this counselor anymore, might have something to do with my husband missing group several times and the counselor checking up on him by coming to one of his outside AA meetings that he states he attends.  The other night group also has this same counselor.  There are several guys in this group that he has been friends with since he was in inpatient and now he's not.  He attends maybe one AA a week, but putting all this aside...he's angry all the time again.  I'm back to really not liking this guy again.  I'm so frustrated, I felt there for awhile we were making progress in our relationship, in our recovery, his in AA and mine in Al-anon. 
   So.... I know from experience that I shouldn't let my guard down, but should the sirens be going off or am I being paranoid.  Will AA once a week be enough for a man that dosn't know how to live life without alcholol.  We are having issues with our son, I posted before.  We are driving 350 miles on friday to look at a boot camp for credit recovery this weekend.  In these last few weeks are son has been going to a counselor and its helped a lot.  His anger is slowly susiding.  He had a couple friends over last night and they were talking to some girls out in front of the house.  My husband wakes me up this morning and tells me that a broken bicycle was stolen out of our driveway that had been in the driveway for a few days because they were slowly working on it.  (My husband locks his truck up every night, so why would you leave a bicycle in the driveway.)  He told me there was a gang of kids hanging around outside and stated things like I don't need this stress in my life right now.  OK first off, part of one of the issues with our son was that he had isolated himself down to having only a few friends and no girlfriends for a year.  This is an almost 17 year old athletic boy who has always had lots of friends, girls and boys.  Last night he had asked if 3 friends could come over for awhile.  I had told him yes...One of them left around 10pm, our sons new girlfriend and another boy girlfriend came over about the same time and they talked and played basketball in the driveway for about 45 min before the girls left and the remaining two friend came in and played video games.   I don't consider that a gang of kids and I don't believe the girls or the two boys that spend the night stole the dang bike.  Am I crazy, I think last night has been the most normal behavoir out of our son in a long time.  It's almost as if my husband is just striking out at anything....Any one have any input?



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Tammy


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I can only share that my husband was trying not to drink and he was grumpy and hated everyone ! Nobody could do anything right. 

You are not alone..

T

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Tammy
Tiger2006


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I have a feeling that the councelor and the group are telling your husband "Look man, no one is responsible for your recovery but you. And no one is at fault because of your drinking but you. If you want to drink, that's your problem. If you want to stay sober, that's up to you. But if you don't do what we're suggesting, you're definately gonna go drink." Being told waht you don't want to hear for the first time in 20 years hurts man.
I also would just talk to your son. Just ask up front--did he have any know abouts about the bike? Maybe it's something as straight out as he got sick of waiting on dad to deliver--keep in mind that dad hasn't been good on keeping promises these past years of his life, why should today be any different? So I also think there's a high liklihood that probably his friends and him decided to fix the bike themselves. Just do it. And if he doesn't answer? How much is the bike worth? I would talk about that too.

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Friendofyours


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My experience with my husband also was that he was a "dry drunk". He wasn't drinking but he has all the characteristics of someone that was drinking. He was so angry. My advice to him was to keep going to different meetings until he found a home group that he liked. He finally found one. I knew that I was my husbands sounding board. He had no one else that he could hate because I was the ONLY one standing in his way of drinking and he hated me for that. Now that he's sober I am the one he loves for helping him. :) The only way I helped him was to quit enabling him in every way possible.
If I were you (my opinion) I would take a mini vacation. I know sometimes I had to get away even if it was a hot bath or go to someone's house over night I just had to remove myself. I wish you the best. Keep coming back. (HUGS)

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pabell


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Thanks, the bike showed up...Surprise  smile.gif

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lin0606


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Yeah, sounds to me like he is hearing things he doesn't want to hear, and doesn't like it.  There is a chance though, that the group really is not that good - I know my husband often drives 70 km to get to a meeting he gets something from, rather than two blocks to one that just gets him riled up because no one is talking program.
You might want to mention (once) that there are other meetings, even if they are not so convenient to get to.

It kinda looks like it would be a bad idea to pin your happiness on his continuing sobriety.  Keep working on you, it's the only part you have some control over.

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carolena


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(((((pabell)))))) hang in there - with Al-Anon. You're not crazy.

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Karilynn


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(((((((Pabell))))),

Tough times you are going through. We've all been through this, so you are not alone.  My AH changed his group b/c he felt he wasn't getting enough from the homegroup.  At his group class, he met with resistence, wasn't thrilled with it.  But he stuck it out.  One of the reasons he did was b/c part of recovery is learning how to deal with different people and all their foibles w/o the aide of booze. Once the drugs of choice go away, all those emotions just come to the surface.  That's what he's dealing with.

You keep working on your recovery, and him walk his own.  Detachment is hard, but it saves us a lot of angst in the end.

Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty smile

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