The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I tried to describe it in the meeting, and couldn't. It was the feeling like you're a fraud, and any minute now, "they're gonna find you out." That you're not that talented, not that smart, not that good, not enough in any way shape and form. And yup, you're gonna agree, all evidence to the contrary. I tried to describe it to a program friend--"Have you ever felt like a fraud? Like any minute now someone was gonna tell you how much you aren't?" No. No, she hadn't. So outta desperation, I googled it. It's called "The Imposter Syndrome." And apparently, we women suffer more than men. Apparently, and google it yourself, women who were quite high achievers were polled, and they all said the same thing: "Yes. Any minute now. They're gonna find me. They're gonna find out I'm not _____ enough." And apparently, the higher achieving the woman, the more she feels it. What got me was people who WERE fraudulent, people who WERE fakes? Never had these thoughts. Never even entered their mind. So, it may say something about those of us looking for a deeper level of "This above all to thine own self be true" when ((I)) have these thoughts? What about you? Anyone else here have the "they're gonna find me out?!" moments?
Before I read Jerry's reply I was thinking the same thing too, Fear. For me it wasn't that I would be found out, it was the fear of screwing everything up. That whatever good thing was going on (friendship, work, project, etc) I had the ablity to screw it up. I had the power to just totally ruin it.....incredible fear. I didn't have that kind of power, but fear had a grip on me.
I remember calling my sponsor on night, I just knew I was going to screw that relationship up...I was so scared, I called her and tried to explain. I am so blessed that she was so kind (cause normally she's tough as nails LOL) She really didn't know where I was coming from, because it was my FEAR that put me in that position. I hadn't done anything -- I was just anticipating it....just like the anticipation of being "found out."
For me this really came from feeling of being undeserving -- maybe that would be worth reading up on. We are deserving.
I completely agree with Jerry on this one. I think it is fear, as Jerry said, combined with a high dose of low self-esteem. Give yourself a break Tige.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I'm with you on this Tiger...I have these feelings here and there but like you said, it's the people who do well who have these feelings and the people who don't get them are not the high acheivers. I am wondering if these high acheivers are that way because this fear of being insufficient drives them to greater and greater heights? The low acheivers don't have that fear of failure motivating them. In a way I guess it's a good thing because it pushes you to do better to be the best you can. It could be bad too because you wonder when it is ever enough?
As someone who has operated as a "professional" for 30 years with no credentials in a field that typically doesn't require them, I have experienced every aspect of the "impostor syndrome" at one time or another.
In me, it acts like an internal form of false humility. Or perhaps just another form taken by my internal critic / committee.
We've all met real imposters... people simply incapable of doing the job, but they get there anyway. Perhaps we compare our insides to their outsides... and since we can't know what they are thinking, we fear that we may be exactly like them.
And with us - aren't the alcoholics in our lives imposters? Mr. Hyde in his disguise as Dr. Jekyl? Wouldn't that suck, if we were just like them?
I have a deep-seated intolerance for incompetence. If I take my car somewhere for repair, and I have any Beavis/Butthead vibes off the people I'm dealing with, I will take it somewhere else... or ask to see the boss, or something. I'm very judgemental and harsh when it comes to anyone who is taking my money... whether it's the phone company or the post office or the grocery store. Maybe I feel that if I am not equally critical of my own work, then I'm being a hypocrite.
I don't know if being easier on other people allows me to be easier on myself, or if it starts with being easier on myself. But if I look for some kind of fairness or equity in the slack I cut others vs. what they allow me, I'm not going to find it.
My new relationship is teaching me how to accept help and partnership with no strings attached. I'm trying to stay out of keeping score... the ultimate answer to keeping score is that I can never pay back *God*... to whom I owe the most. Everything, actually. If I can accept God's gift of life and love, it's easier to accept a little human assistance once in a while, and that too is God-given.
