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I posted this initially in response to Java's post on Wasted Time, but wanted to repost it here for thoughts, reflections, and responses.
I shared last night at my F2F about fear and I have since felt some healing in this area for me. Here's the jist of my spiritual learning...
Recently, in my life a bunch of relationships I have invested time, love, and attention in have gone haywire--I kind of imagine it as one of the cartoon springs that suddenly bursts and all of the wires have gone ka-poing! LOL. My seven-year relationship ended and I lost several friends who were couple's friends of ours, and I had a falling out with my dad. Related to all of this loss, I have gotten into a space of--WHY, WHY, WHY!!! For example: Why didn't I see X sooner, Why didn't I act on Y, etc. The bottom-line is I have in a lot of pain over these losses and I been really struggling with feeling like I "wasted my time" on these relationships--I have been blaming them, berating myself, and generally wallowing in the whys and "If only-ies..."
Last night, though, I was flipping through my Hope to Today reader looking for some relief. And I came across readings on fear that REALLY spoke to me. The readings connected fear to other character defects--blaming, running, freezing, feeling like a victim, etc. And, it was like a slow lightbulb coming on. THAT'S ME! I thought. Especially, the getting stuck in fear and not being able to take positive action on my behalf & feeling like a victim. I grew up ACOA and I realized that FEAR has really been my middle-name for a long, long, long time, and it has deeply affected who I have been in relationships. The antidote to fear, according to Hope for Today, is faith. Another revelation for me! I have been so convinced that the solution to my problems is to focus on my fear, and the source of my fear, and I could control/eliminate my fear--HA! that has not worked! But, when I am fearful, it is hard to give up that strategy. So, I have decided, just for today, to fake it till I make it and operate as if I have faith, to focus on having faith when fear comes up.
This all relates for me to wasted time. When, I am in a place of fear, not faith, then I believe I have wasted time, LOTS OF TIME. When I change my perspective to faith, I see that everything in my life has its place--that what I have gone through, even if it hasn't turned out the way I liked, has had value. I nolonger need to moan over the things I really didn't have control over, or even the things I did have control over and botched. I am moving forward with purpose and that's what counts.
Along with all this, I have begun to see that HP is the scriptwriter, not me. People who in my version of the script, had a central starring role in my life that would last a lifetime, turned out to have an important & crucial role but ultimately were on stage for 15 minutes, not three acts, like I had envisioned. Initially, I was crushed by this, but now I have begun to appreciate that I may not know best, and I can give up this control and my fear to my HP, the ultimate scriptwriter.
WOW, I can identify with all of that...I also lived my life arounf "Fear". But since I joined Al-Anon, it has taken time, but I am working through things..Thats the key word "Through"...Means we are moving on,"Little by little". A girl shared at my f2f last night. Her story was identical to mine, I had tears along with her. But she has saw how much I have grown in the last few months, And this has given her "Hope".
We live our lifes praying things will get better, asking god "Please if you take this away, I promise, I will ????".
The only thing we can now do is concentrate on us... And Yep, "Fake it until you make it", can be good too, because eventually, you get used to smiling, and It becomes part of our every day recovery....
When I read your word Fear, I thought how having faith has made it so I rarely feel afraid. YOU are so correct.
I decided no matter what happens it will be ok, becuz my life is in hp's hands. NO matter what, my job is to learn from it all.
There is a song about wasted time, by Jackson Brown. Who I am SURE you are too young to know. lol
ya know bc I work hard at never having regrets, to me that is what wasted time is.
When we were afraid i had breast cancer, the only regret I had was not having a cow. lol i mean a real bovine. lol lol
regrets to me are from not doing what our heart wanted us to do. So even though people did not like my A, I married him and look where it has gotten me!!!
homeless, penniless, lonely hahahaha well ya sorta but I am so much happier, so so blessed to have come to mip becuz of his disease.
this place helps me grow. and not just from my butt sitting here....
Just wanted to respond to you. great post. love,debilyn
