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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> HOW do you "detach with love?"
Post Info TOPIC: HOW do you "detach with love?"
TLM


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HOW do you "detach with love?"
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In my former marriage, I practiced detachment - to the point where I no longer cared at all.  I never even shed a tear at the end of that relationship. 

I know I am co-dependent, and I want to learn to detach, and still feel the feelings. 

Is it just me that is challenged with this?  How do you all do it?


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lilms


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(((TLM))))

I am challenged with this one also. I think it means letting people be responsible for themselves. Not getting caught up in the consequences of their actions.

An example could be, "You got a DUI, I am unable to drive you around but I am certain you can figure out how to get to the places you need to be" or "you have no money for rent, I am sure you will be able to figure out how to solve this problem"

It is loving them enough to put responsibility for their actions back into their lap so they can actually feel the full consequences of what they do. And it is saying what you mean without saying it mean.

I think. rofl

If I am wrong I am sure you will get lots of responses. We have some amazing peeps with years of experience here. I learn from them everyday.
lilms

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Leetle


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RE: HOW do you "detach with love?"
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I'll be insterested in the replies to this post.  So far, I have only figured out how to detach with a whole lot of anger and guilt.  For me, right now, it is just about making sure I stay detached, no matter what it is with.

Yours in recovery,
Leetle

-- Edited by Leetle at 18:41, 2007-04-11

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Sunny2007


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my ESH re detachment & an Al-Anon pamphlet
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I offer my Experience, Strength, and Hope (ESH) to all who are seeking to detach with love.
----My Experience: When I came to Al-Anon, I had not lived with an alcoholic for a year.  Yet wise Alanoners at face-to-face (f2f) meetings shared their ESH with me to remember "First Things First" and to get a little program work under my belt before jumping ahead to "detaching with love."

They explained what they meant, and I agreed with them: Often, a person's desire to learn how to detach with love comes from the person's desire to become the "perfect" Alanoner in hope (or even conviction) that doing so will "fix" the alcoholic.

Yep, that surely did fit me at that time, and I admitted it.  The other Alanoners told me they'd been the same way and that was why they were offering me their Experience: so I wouldn't have to make what they thought was not a good way to proceed.  They offered me the Strength of the group to lean on while I worked my program by working on myself.  They offered me the Hope that it was up to me how I chose to proceed and that there are many roads that can lead to a goal.

One day, maybe two years into working my program daily, I realized I had learned to recognize what "detaching with love" looked like even though I had not been "studying" detaching with love.  Cool!  After that, all I had to do was practice, practice, practice for the rest of my life ... just like a lot of other skills I've learned and practiced.

In my case, I think it was beneficial that where I lived had not just many f2f meetings available but many f2f meetings that were built on the strong foundation of members who were working their programs daily and who went out of their way to serve one another and especially, especially to serve newcomers.  I've always been grateful to them; recently, I'm grateful more than ever for them.

----My Strength: I work my program daily.  Also, for where I get my strength, I refer you to Al-Anon's 12 Steps, particularly to Steps 1-3; when I am most surrendered, then I am most free.

----My Hope: To continue working my Al-Anon program daily for the rest of my life.  For me, all that I do that is worthwhile and beneficial flows from that.  As a disclaimer :) let me say that I am speaking as an individual and certainly not speaking for Al-Anon lol so any mistakes in my understanding and expression shouldn't be blamed on Al-Anon; I am speaking in words that may mean one thing to me and something else to another person.  "Take what you like and leave the rest."

For a concise discussion of detachment and detaching with love, I recommend the pamphlet below -- often available at f2f meetings.

Also, if you have an Al-Anon book, probably somewhere in it, you will find information about "detachment" or "detaching with love."

Sunny   ..... here's the pamphlet info:
Detachment

Everything you always wanted to know about detachment in an easy-to-use handout.

Item no.: S-19
Price: $ 0.03
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-- Edited by Sunny2007 at 19:11, 2007-04-11

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david62


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RE: HOW do you "detach with love?"
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Hi TLM,

Great question!

I will give you an example that was told to me, as well as to many others in this program, that first sorta shed light on it for me. 

Detaching with love is letting the alcoholic in your life face the consequences of their own actions.  For example.  The A comes home drunk and passes out on the bedroom floor, or where ever.  Detachment for us is letting them stay on the floor, instead of waking them up and helping them to bed and tucking them in.  Detaching with love, is leaving them on the cold floor, but putting a blanket over them.smile

This was a great visual for me that sorta drove the idea home.

A way I practice this day to day is learning to seperate the person from the action.  For instance, at work, sometimes someone I work with might be acting "differently" today.  Normally they are a kind, respectful person.  But for some reason today they are behaving very short with me.  I might even perceive the behavior as rudeness.  Detachment for me is, first of all, not assuming, as I did in the past, that I have done something to warrant the treatment.  Second, I stop and consider that this is not "normal" behavior from the person..so something is up with them today.  By not taking their behavior into myself I can stay objective about it and give them the space they need, or perhaps even take a moment to ask them if any thing is wrong today, instead of getting hurt or even angry because they are treating me differently. 

This very example happened to me once with a coworker who was uncharacteristically snappy, quiet and uncooperative with me for a couple of days.  I really started to think I had done something to upset him and was wanting to go apologize for what I had no idea! lol.  When I finally discovered what was going on it was all because he was having a toothache.  Nothing about me at all !  hmmmmmm.  smile

In that example, detachment for me would be not taking it the other persons behavior personal.  Doing it with love would be understanding that something is wrong and seeing if they wanted to talk about it or just by not responding with like bad behavior and giving them space.

Anyway, thanks for the question.

Yours in Recovery,
Davidsmile

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Kim65


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This is very intellectual (as opposed to feeling based), but I think of M. Scott Peck's definition of love, very paraphrased, "love is an action, not a feeling . . . it is looking out for the physical, emotional and spiritual best interests of another person."

That's sort of where I start with myself. Am I taking action (for my A in this example) that ultimately supports his best interests?

If my acts of 'love' prevent him from experiencing the consequences of his actions (rescuing, enabling), which he desperately needs to do if he's to get well EVER, then what I do for him is not love, it's either serving my own fears or our mutual insanity.

I'm positive my 'detachment with hate and rage" was a valid state of feeling that directly lead to the very beginnings of detatching with love. It doesn't feel gooey and lovey to step back and let the hammer fall on his head, or to reinforce a boundary he is determined to cross. It hurts, it's sad, all that. But it is 'right', and it preserves me in a positive way.

This is just my personal understanding, and don't propose any advice for anyone else, of course.

-- Edited by Kim65 at 19:28, 2007-04-11

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Diva


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I remember an incident, several years ago, when my A came home drunk and passed out on the front steps.  Colder than a mackerel!!!  I phoned my sponsor in tearful desperation.  "He is passed out on the steps.  What do I do?"   "Can you step over him?" came her answer.  I laughed.  Out loud.  This was the day and that was the happening that allowed me to realize what detachment is.  I stepped over him.  He lay there all afternoon.  Fortunately we didn't have close neighbors, because if I thought anyone would have seen him, I probably would have attempted to drag him in the house. But I learned that day.

Detachment is stepping over him on the front steps.

Diva

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Sunny2007


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Diva -- thanks because ....
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Hi Diva,

Woke up not long ago from a nightmare in which one of the dead alcoholics in my life returned and was as evil as someone in a horror movie.  Having trouble waking up enough to get on my feet, I drifted off and started dreaming a sequel starring the same dead alcoholic.  I got my feet on the floor, started my day.

I wanted to come here to get my head back on straight, but I wasn't sure whether it would help this time or not, so I waited.

Then I found myself so "not bright, not right" that I came here to read.  Oh, so glad I did.  Your post was "just right" for me; exactly what I needed in order to return to myself.  Many thanks!

Grateful member of Al-Anon,
Sunny

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carosie


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RE: HOW do you "detach with love?"
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((TLM)))

When i first heard of detaching...i thought...i can't do that.
How can i do with that to someone i love ?  The part I didn't hear was to detach with love.  The love part was love for the other person..to allow them the dignity to handle their own life.
And love for me..allowing myself to deal with me.
I look at the situation and ask myself: Am I responsible for ___ whatever it is?  If the answer is no...I have to tell myself to let it go...it's not mine.  If someone is going thru a rough time I can be compassionate and empathetic. I can love them. I don't have to take their problem on as mine, because it isn't mine. 
This is something I have to practice..alot. Years of being a codependent is not easy to change...but I'm learning how.
For me detaching is not taking on anothers problems or issues.
I can feel for them...I can love them...I just can't carry their problems. 
Don't know if that helps..
your friend in recovery,
rosie

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carolena


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HOW do you "detach with love?"
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I agree with all the posts so far along with how I got started with detachment - with love, not the meat cleaver: (!)

This wasn't easy for me to do as a new Al-Anoner, but my sponser suggested to me that I just begin to be polite. Through accepting alcoholism as a disease, I began to treat my AH as I would treat a business partner or an acquaintance. That way, I could at least talk a little to him.
(I was so angry at him, I didn't think he deserved to be talked to and I wasn't polite to him)

Along with politeness (the love part) and letting go of the nastiness, I was able to detach easier.
At first, I had to visualize the word "sick" on his forehead. I would never be nasty or as angry at a sick person. The A is a sick person - it's just that the A's disease affects us in a different way than diabetes.

For me, it took many Al-Anon meetings before I could do this.

((((((hugs))))))

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debilyn


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RE: HOW do you "detach with love?"
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My experience is, I love my husband, the man I have known all my life. I am unable to stop loving him. Tried hard not to. Then I realized it was not him I did not love, it was the A behavior.

So for me detachment is, I adore him, love him, miss him. I hate the behavior or the disease.

When his disease took him over, I left the room, just did not give that behavior any attention. My husband was locked inside that body, the one talking and walking was the diseae, not my lover. he could walk in a room and I would know if it was him walking in,or the "other guy." He called him that.

If it was the other guy, I felt alone. I missed my A.

So that is how I do it. right now I believe my A is so brain damaged he will never be my man anymore. He lives with this gross woman he uses. He cannot perform so I know he has not commited adultery. Besides it is not his style no matter what to cheat that way.

So i keep my love for him and his for me in my heart. the disease has taken over.

love,debilyn



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TLM


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HOW do you "detach with love?"
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Wow, Debilyn -
I can completely relate to "the other guy." When my A is not sober, I have said to him on numerous ocassions that he is like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and that I miss HIM. He doesn't get that when is in that mode.
And I guess that is exactly WHEN I need to detach...because that isn't my husband, but some sarcastic, negative, smelly stranger that has taken over his body...

Thanks Everyone for your words - some made me flat out laugh (Thanks Diva) and a lot were very thought provoking. This is a subject that has a lot of gray area, and I think a lesson I will always be learning.

Love on the road to recovery,
Tara

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Karilynn


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RE: HOW do you "detach with love?"
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(((((TLM))),

Detaching with love takes practice.  It doesn't mean that you stop caring about the person.  It means you let them go and turn them over to their HP. I stop worrying about what will happen to him.  It's his life, and he has to suffer the consequences of his actions.  I don't enable him.  When hubby was still active, I finally had enough, and I told him to leave.  It was the hardest thing I ever did.  But I had to for my benefit.  I didn't stop loving him.  But he had to find his own way.  I turned him over to his HP and prayed that he would find his sobriety.

Fast foward almost a year, he is back home and sober.    I am incredibly proud of him.  But I still find I have to detach with love when it comes to how he works his sobriety.  It's none of my business how many meetings he does or does not go to.  (less Abbyal's heart for posting that great bit of wisdom.) I also have learned to detach when it comes to his health.  At the end of the month he is facing major reconstructive surgery on his foot which will lay him up for 3 months.  So he is trying to cram as much "fun time" in as he can.  He loves to walk in the woods and go fishing.  There are days I wish he wouldn't take the risk.  But at the same time, I understand where he's coming from.  All I can do is kiss him on the cheek, and say "Be careful" and let him go.  Again I turn him ove to his HP.

Detaching with love also means that you take the focus off the person, and refocus your energies back on you, where it belongs.  Hope this is helpful.

Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty smile

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