The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
On resentment... i guess i am doing a lot of things i don't want to do, feeling like i am trapped. A program friend suggested that i hold resentments to things that i force myself to do and do not want to do for my spouse. i keep working the program, but underneath it all, cannot accept the relationship i have with my spouse. She pointed out that holding these expectations for a relationship that will probably never happen will kill me. I have been already been experiencing angina when dealing with my spouse's moods.
I am ready to think of my spouse as a dry drunk, who never went into recovery, but quit 20 years ago and is still locked up in his addiction to self.
Alanon is about freedom. I can free myself and i am choosing not to do it. It was suggested that i make a list of the things i don't want to do, and little by little, take baby steps toward not doing them. I should start doing what i want to do. That will take some figuring out.
I sure hope i am ready to do this. It would be a tragedy to keep getting more physically ill from the effects of this disease.
I agree with taking the steps. You might find like I did that once you start it's not as hard as you thought it would be. I physically got better. Your right, it does make you sick if not sicker then the A. I personally don't have resentment because I make my own choices and I know full well what I got myself into. I did what I wanted and did no more. I did however learn to not "expect" and that's when things also lightend up. I lived as if my ah(sober) were dead. I had to. I went out with friends, I fixed things around the house, I did it all. I just bypassed his opinions on issues and everything worked out fine. I wasn't miserable any longer because there were no expectations to meet...know what I mean? Sorry if I didn't help. lol Just sharing my experience. Good luck and welcome to our board. I hope you stay.
Resentment and the elimination of it is hard for me. I keep saying why? My AHsober hasn't drank in over 20 years. He is a dry drunk and it has progressively gotten worse ie his addiction to self. He moved out two years ago and said it was me. Pretty much severed our relationship.I struggle to not resent what he has done and focus on myself through the Alanon program. Keep trying.
I struggle with my resentments too. One thing that was recently suggested to me, was to work on setting boundaries before dealing with all of my resentments. In my situation, my A b/f caused my home to be harmed. I was resentful and anxious about allowing him back (he is currently in jail). I came, over a REALLY long time to realize that I had to set a boundary on our living situation.
It helped me to stop focusing all of my attention on the resentments. It is still hard for me, but slowly, I am getting moments of clarity. Focusing on setting a healthy boundary is what I am trying to focus on now, as well as praying that I will keep those boundaries. I will have to work on my resentments later. For me, at least so far, it has helped. Keep at it...YOU ARE WORTH IT! Take good care.
I often hear expectations are premeditaded resentments . I really don't like that statment but have found it to be true for me . When I expect someone to do or act in a certain way and they don't I am always dissapointed and m ore than a little ticked . Over the yrs I have discovered that my exectations were unreasonable ,no one can be everything to me . I once wrote out a list of things I needed from my husband to stay in this relationship . the list was long I gave it to my sponsor she read it and said . That is great . ARE U PREPARED TO GIVE WHAT U WANT" ? The answer was NO so I ripped the list up and forgot it. If i want acceptance from others I ahve to be prepared to give it. If i want respect I have to be prepared to give it. If I want time with people I ask for it. All I ever wanted was people to accept me as I was ,but I was never prepared to give the same to them . I always wanted them to change= go figure. Allowing people to be who they need to be is still the hardest part of this program for me .I work on it constantly. Live and Let Live helps me with that . We have an oldtimmer in our groups here who always says Restentments are killers its like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I simply cannot afford resentments today I worked too long and too hard to let them run my life anymore. Louise
I am curious if I was on vacation the year I wrote this. I am feeling this same way again. Could be a pattern. Nice to read everyone's posts again, helping muchly!
