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Oh man in the beginning of Alanon I did whatever it took, begging, crying, pleading, "making deals" so that I would get my way. It was especially hard for me to ASK for help around the house and all its chores it involves...so I would slam dishes around in the sink,,so the A would hear,,,,as he sat and read his paper, or drank. I would finish off by putting the dishes in the cupboards but slamming the doors shut,,,like look at me "doing ALL" the work! I would purposely stop and wipe my brow while mowing the lawn, as "woe is me". And all along I could have asked for help but my stubborn attitude would not let me. I may have not gotten the answer I wanted but silly me not even to attempt to ask for help. I just thought he would see the distress and jump in and help. NOT! So yes I did guilt him and others to get things done my way. I am totally guilty of that. Nowadays, after many years in alanon, I have learned to ask for help and am constantly surprised from those who come forward to assist me. No more making someone feeling guilty, and no more fears in asking for help, as I have come to accept "I am not a super woman" I cannot do everything nor save everyone. I can only do what I can do and that is it, and I accept that. Thanks to Alanon I can see clearer more than ever my character defects, and slowly I am erasing them from my personality! I want to be a person that is admired for their strength, and a good role model for my children and grandchildren!.........
<huff>....sheesh <eye roll> I can't believe you'd come on here and insinuate that I would guilt anyone into doing anything. I mean, when you do that you just come on here and make me feel bad.
LOL
In all seriousness, I still sometimes catch myself doing it. The real joy of recovery is when your kids have gotten smart enough to shoot back.......'you don't have to guilt me into it or give me a guilt trip'. OUCH...that hurt. But it was a very good sign for them. And a good sign for me that I can receive that message.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Oh yeah... guilt trips, playing victim, whatever it took!!! My sponsor called me on this, claiming that it was ME trying to control things..... The nerve!!!
We all have those "aha moments" in our recoveries.... One such aha moment for me was when I was visiting my ex-A at one of the Treatment centers she had attended, and had a meeting with one of the counselors... The counselor asked me whether I needed to talk about anything, to which I responded "yes... part of me wants my wife to drink again, so I can leave this marriage, once and for all, and society will be on MY side". Now, at this point, I was pretty sure that I was an "expert" at recovery, and that I was no longer playing victim, or blaming others, etc.... I suppose I was expecting some sort of "poor Tom, it must be hard on you & the kids" kind of response..... but..... the counselor replied to my woes with:
"...of course you do, that way you can continue to take ZERO responsibility or accountability for everything that happens to you, and can continue to blame your alcoholic for everything that is wrong in your life!"
Well..... I was aghast..... I was speechless.... and he was....... RIGHT!!
Thanks for the reminder.. T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Of course! You don't? That's why I say my biggest flaw is "the manipulative martyr;" rather than simply saying how I feel, I give a huge song and dance about everything else that's going on, how hard things are, and how stressed out I am. I'm only NOW learning how to say "Actually, THIS is how I feel..." "Actually, THIS is what I want..." BOUNDRIES! What a concept!
Yeah, but uh I uh had to because uh so and so did this and then uh he didn't read my mind and get his lazy drunk butt off the sofa and come help me after I had been working two jobs and uh - ok ok
No more self-justification - Yes I have manipulated many a situation into going my way - trying really hard not to do that today. Which is why usually before I discuss any major decisions with my AH, I try to write out my feelings & bounce it off a recovery friend or my sponsor just to make sure I'm thinking in a healthy way. Those old ways of thinking can creep back into my mind very easily.
Great topic!!! Thanks for posting it.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Nah...I noticed some time ago that he DOESN'T notice a little tantrum. So why beat myself against a wall for nothing? But my A helps, takes care of the house, and does more than his share, so I really cannot complain.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I used to joke that I disciplined my kids by guilt alone. It's not entirely true, but I do lay some trips down when I don't catch myself. One of the worst feelings is when a guilt trip is not working.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
boy can I relate. I always felt like they should know what to do, I shouldn't have to tell or ask them. Even if they ask if they could help I often reply, no I can do it all.. and the slamming the cuppords. I have done that while saying I am not f...ing mad. ..And the scary part is, it is just what my mother did, and I always said how annoying it was. I am more like her then I could have ever imagined.
Wow - GREAT Topic! I have just jumped back in after years of being "out" of recovery. Left my first marriage because of alcoholism, and then decided to leave the program...Got rid of the A and I was FIXED after my divorce...LOL Fast forward to second marriage...another A, same issues arise. I have been so guilty of trying to manipulate him and it is totally all about guilt. I have: threatened, cried, screamed, withdrawn, played a victim, played a martyr, drawn my child (slap me now) into it and tried to manipulate him that way. It is such an "aha" moment for me, who knows *all* about alcoholism (and really knows nothing...) that as his disease can progress while out of recovery, so can mine. And, after several months of playing that all was okay, and meanwhile basing my entire existence on whether or not he chooses to drink - I literally hit bottom a few days ago and couldn't hide anymore. It is so true that we are only as sick as our secrets. I understand the steps so differently than I did when in program before, and I guess that is about growth and change. I was always here for the other person - because it would help with his recovery. Never did I look at my own character flaws. And that in itself is a HUGE guilt trip - what a freaking martyr! I can not believe how much better I already feel just by admitting - once again - that I am powerless, and by giving this really heavy burden that I can not- and never could- carry away, I see that where there was despair, there is once again hope. I know I got off topic a bit, but thanks for letting me ramble.
