The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The day that i decided to buy him out of our property was a day of strength. i knew i could do it! And i knew he was upset that it has come to this but i didnt want to keep a property under a joint name, as it was going to keep me connected to him for as long as that was OURS. We dont have kids, so i dont have to see him for the rest of my life if i cant deal with the drinking.
But today was the WORST day of my life.
The lawyers papers came and i needed my A to sign. I know how hard it would have been for him to do it, so i didnt want to be there when he was signing. it would break my heart to see him doing it. So i told him to let himself into my place while i was at work, so he could do it before i got home. And he did. He sent me a text message telling me how hurt he was and i've been crying all afternoon. Its done now.... im sure i'll feel better tomorrow. im glad today is over. its 9pm here in australia... i can go to bed and know its all taken care of.... But OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH what a hard, hard day.
I am so sorry. Mourning a loss is one of the most complex set of emotions out there. Let yourself work through the feeling with the knowledge that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Awwwww hon. Yes it's Soooo hard. The day I threw out my A was definately the worst day of my life too. After all the years of chaos,broken hopes and dreams I felt that nothing could ever be worse than the daily alcoholic mess I was living in. I was at my lowest ebb and just couldn't see any way forward for us to stay together. I honestly thought it would be an immense relief to finally be free of it all. But the day he actually left was the hardest,most gut wrenching feeling I have ever had. I was not only feeling my hurt and pain but was seeing all his too and it felt like I was being stabbed through the heart.That pain developed into a kind of numbness for quite some time afterwards.
It gets better ((((Arty))).......slowly but surely I got my life back. There were times I didn't think I could ever get beyond the dreadful pain. But I did........and you will too dear one. Keeping focused on your programme and taking care of you ..............breathe.............baby steps...........it will pass. It's all one day at a time.
(((((arty))))) I could see the pain in your post, but am so glad you are here. I'm told mourning is a process too. Take it easy on yourself. One Day at A Time. I went back and read some of your posts leading up to this. You are very courageous. HP has given you strength so far, and surely will continue to do so. I admire your ability to do what you needed to do. Sorry you are going thru this. Love in Recovery, Becky1
Oh Arty I am so sad. It is so many losses for you both. All your dreams, your mate, just everything.
Please dear, one day at a time. Yes you will feel better. You know Arty, I do my best to think of my AH as the man I married. The disease hurt me badly again. But yesterday I put my wedding ring back on. I am filling my head with the tender moments, funny stuff and love we shared.
I remind myself he does still love me very much. The disease, however has covered that up well. I am still carrying his love and mine inside. me.
I choose to remember good things. But I too think of how he is now and how that is NOT my husband who folded cloths and put my underwear on his head.
hugs honey, oh Australia, I have always wanted to visit there. I would love to just walk and look at rocks, bugs birds, people. Things would be so different. sigh.
I always say the way you feel about others shows what kind of person you are. You are a very sweet and caring person. I think your a wonderful person for caring about him and his feelings. I hope you find some kind of comfort soon. Lots of love. Your in my prayers ^i^
One of the good things about feelings is that once they are dealt with, we can move on. I'm very proud of you for doing something hard, to be able to move on. Although we all work our program in different ways, it takes COURAGE to step up and do what is right (for you and anyone else), and not just what is "easy". That is action. Actions preempt changes. Change, while being feared by many of us, is what is needed to progress.
Trust in yourself and your HP. Again, I'm so proud of you for some excellent progress, self-care, and having the courage to make changes.
With love cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
(((((((((((((((((arty))))))))))))))) I don't know what to say, except I'm glad you reached out and posted, and I know how hard it is even though all of our situations are different, and I wish I were there to give you a f2f meeting ((((hug)))))). Yours in Recovery, emma
