The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After 7 years with a raging A...I've been dating someone new...Ironically, he's an A ...BUT sober 2 years...and in the program. He's got his stuff that he's dealing with and seems to really be concentrating on himself. But he's very attentive and caring towards me and you'd think I'd appreciate having someone who is dependable and not drunk...NOOOOO!!!! I'm all caught up in the fact that he's taking things slow! You'd think after all these years complaining about chaos that I'd relish in the calm. Of course not. I'm sitting here upset that we are not in a whirlwind romance...having intimate evenings all over each other. This guy is doing the right thing. He's taking it slow. Holding my hand. A kiss here and there that's gentle and kind. Calling when he says he will. And showing up when he says he'll be here!
I'm such a co-dependant control freak and brutally insecure. I want to MAKE the relationship go the way I think it should....stupid...let go let God...I have this freak idea that sexual advances mean I am attractive and liked...stupid again. I AM attractive and liked. I have worked so hard to stop controlling things with my old A...but I realize how vulnerable I am to my old co-dependant issues. I don't know if I should be in a relationship with anyone.
One of the things I've learned as I've worked through my issues of my extremely violent and drama based household is that I became a drama addict. Whenever things were calm, reasonable and, well, not nuts, I'd panic. It's taken me practice to realize that, often times, one of the best things to do is nothing at all. The way I came to learn this is, ironic enough, working retail. Because down times were like, never, I came to despise them. I've come to find my serenity within art and painting. I love paint by numbers. I also love listening to the radio, watching moves and...*can't think of other things. Try to find a "Safe" out let for your drama addiction--some people have found volunteering in an ER cured them of their need for nutsiness. For me, like I said, working retail became an aversion in itself!
I always wondered why all my female friends were wacky/eccentric. I considered myself the "normal" one. lol. Just recently I had a lightbulb moment - duh. The two main women in my life, my mother and my beloved cousin, were over the top, dramatic, charming, eccentric, dramatic, energetic ACoA's.
So, that's my comfort level. That's what I grew up with and I "know" how to handle it.
What I couldn't handle was a life without ups and downs and dramatic rollercoaster rides.
Now, I don't need all that to feel alive. I LIKE serenity, peace and quiet. I also know I'm not the "normal" one. I'm a bit eccentric myself and it's okay as long as it's healthy - I like art and acting and I'm involved in it, no apologies.
Yes it's not all that surprising that you "ironically" ended up dating another alcoholic (recovering, which is much better) but sometimes we need to remember how we ended up in the place we just were, and how we arrived at the place we are. I find that the disease of alcoholism tell's me that things should be a certain way, or if this person loved me they would be doing this, or they must be thinking this. Many times the truth is much different than how I preceive it. So continue to get to know you, you do deserve to be in a healthy relationship that is free from drama, debt and might I say jail-time.
OMG.....lol You sound like me...I want it all, or nothing.....
Well I was with a recovering A....And I wanted something he couldn't give me.....It ended the relationship....
You sound like you have the perfect gentleman...lol Just remember, he has had a life of mucking things up...Maybe he's trying to do the right thing by you now,,,And not rush you...
You do deserve a healthy relationship....But I also believe,If the two of you are working the programme, It can work out....I was told by my recovering A friend....When he was drinking he didn't give a sh*t about anyone's feelings......now in recovery he does.....
I think if nothing else after having been in these relationships we can at least learn where to draw the line and cut and run. After _____ happens that's it no looking back perhaps? I'm struggling with the same issues.
