http://www.clarifyingchristianity.com/church.shtml
I also had a hard time finding what I was looking for. I church hopped until I found the right church. I was told I was Catholic, then I was Baptist, then Catholic again. I finally stumbled upon a Methodist church and loved it so much that I am now a Methodist. I call myself a Christian. I believe in a God. I believe in the trinity that there is all three in one. The father, the son and the holy spirit are one of the same. I don't have to do anything to be loved by my God just believe that he died on the cross for my sins. Then I give my heart to him and that's it. If I have any problems I can turn them all over to him. I started going to this church and I actually felt something inside of me start to change. Things got better, I could finally breath. Something took it off of me (God) It wasn't until I strengthend my faith that my life started to get better
You are right where you need to be. God will find you. Just listen. Sometimes he's just right there whispering and you just can't see it. If you want him to speak louder just ask..........He will!  Good luck on your search. Your in my prayers.

Aloha Eve!!

Good to hear from you and so I am glad that you kept coming back.  I haven't check into the board as regular as I had so that is the reason I must have been missing you and the rest of this family.

"A God of my understanding"  First I had to stop trying too hard and looking for one that specifically fit a mold for me.  I was born and raised in a church and educated within that religious system for years +.  I had a preconception and idea of God and I didn't know how to meet up with God.  God was way far a way from me until I stopped my panicky search.  I prayed for years...from ever since I could remember until 37 when I got into this program. I went to church often, sang in the choir, did scriptural readings, attended all the rites and still felt distant from God.  Even after getting into program and finding a Higher Power (God) when I went and attended church and participated I would leave the ceremony sad, empty and lonely like I had missed God.  I would cry at the end of the ceremony because of those feelings.   However at the same time I came to an understanding of God in the AFG and continued to live within that understanding.  I came to rely on that understanding and took comfort that in recovery I had many spritual awakenings and conversations with God.  I knew that I could cement a relationship with God in and thru this program and so I continue.

God for me is in me, all around me.  Because of the spiritual nature of our program and my desire to work it, change for the better, know and understand God's will and actively pursue walking that walk and sharing it with others that is God in me.  My nature is to love others and allow myself to be loved by others and I know that is the will of my HP.  "God is Love" I have heard and understand and so when I am doing that I am like God.  I believe that God is my Father and everyone elses and then believe that we are all connected that way.  God is also Good   Orderly    Direction (G O D) and that works for me too.

I was born in the islands and God (Akua) is the spiritual driving center and force of the culture that has influenced my life so deeply before the disease almost took that away entirely.  I see the work of God (love) in all of the creation above, under and around me and from the culture have accepted a body form for God.  That is the Io (hawk) that rises above me and my home and shows me that God is with me and blesses me always. 

I was talking with my wife after giving a testimony at our local church on Recovery.  I have been knowing that I need to make some changes in my life and she mentioned that she thought I should slow down.  I mentioned that that is one thing I am looking to do and there is the issue of income that we need because I have retired to SSI and that is not near what we use to survive on.  At that point I told her that I knew what it was that I should do and that what ever it was it had to fall within the will of God.  At that point I looked up into the sky and above me there was a small cloud and within the cloud was the shape of a bird or hawk with open wings soaring.  At that point I said to my HP, "I understand."  It was also at that point that my wife called my attention to a real hawk that had lifted from the trees down the street from us and soared in circles to above she and I and our house.   I have come to understand that if I stand still and keep and open mind and heart and am patient God will continue to touch and guide me as God has since I discovered Him in this program.

You carry the name of the first woman.  You are special.  God will reveal Himself when you are ready.

(((((Eve)))))

Hello david I was told if your looking you can relax u have already found what your looking for.  Defining your higher power takes time and develops over time .  I too struggled with this step and finally listened to a tape that helped me alot .  the lady was determined to find a God of her understanding  sat down with a pot of coffee , smokes and all the books she had from our program and the bible . After many hrs still nothing she was happy with so she got mad and threw it all on the floor and went to bed.
cleaning up next morning she picked up the bible from the floor and a pen had fallen into the crease of a page , she looked at the top of the page and it simply said . Be still and know that I am here.   that worked for me .    relax it will all come together in time .  Louise

Hello David,

 I have been in search of my hp too, I don't go to church, but when I have been at my rock bottom, I ask god to please help me, and he has although sometimes I could argue he does it in the strangest way's, I thought I would know if I found it when something big hit me, but for me it wasn't like that at all, it was tiny little sutle thing's that he put in my head and made me go figure, and then something that is so bizarre yet so profound, when I get things wrong and beat myself up, when I come through the other side again, as I alway's do, I look back and think, it had to be just that way to make me learn, my HP comes and goes, he can't make it too easy for me or I would not appreciate the good things that I have, funny I just been through a real rough patch, I have been so chewed up with myself for getting it wrong again, then I figured it's not alway's about getting it right, it's about getting through it safely, look around you, and look at the flowers that survive the harsh winters, look at the way they stand proud and bloom, the flowers in my garden have a real hard time, the football knocks them down, the cat's scratch them up, the winds blow and the frost comes, but they battle on and suddenly there they are, they make me happy they are so cheerful and bright, so alive maybe I feel this way because I know how hard they fourt to come through, but they alway's do!
Katy
 x

Hello Eve,

I was listening to an AA speaker tape this last weekend and the gentleman was having a problem with exactly who his HP was too. He was talking to his sponsor and asked the question, how am I supposed to turn my will and my life over to God as I understood Him, if I have no concept of whom I am turning things over to?

His sponsor replied, "Turn it over to whatever will take it!"

As long as you admit or more importantly are at least willing to seek something bigger than yourself, which is what you are doing with these questions!, you are on your way. Like others have said, give it time. Be willing. Keep looking. For me, when I start looking for my HP's actions with an open mind, I see Him at work everywhere. And I know its His work because it fills me with happiness, joy and intense feelings of love.

Keep up the good work ((((((Eve)))))

Yours in Recovery,
David

Hello Eve,

I have sent you a private message on this subject.

Diva