The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been in this program for the past 4 years. I have worked the steps, I have had a sponser, I make calls, I go to meetings, I have a home group and I come here. I see the replies already "get another sponcer, work the steps again!" I hear you and I will. But right this minute I have lost my mind, my program and my serenity.
My ex ah is dating someone and this has brought out all the old behaviors in him of when he was using. Consequently, it has triggered all of my old reactions. He has been lying to me about many things. He did something to my computer months ago and has been reading everything i type and who i send stuff to. Which is you guys and that's it. Wednesday night I posted about his behaviors and my reactions. Thursday he didn't call the kids and therefore I assumed he was out there as that is his M.O. He called me fri. and acted as if nothing was wrong and he was going to do this and that with the kids. I told him I have it all under control and I hung up. I was trying so very very hard to hang on to my sanity. Yes, I was jelous, more so scared of his dumping the kids AGAIN. Mad at myself for even letting him get close again. I saw him at the meeting fri. night. Gosh, that was last night? I got home, some kid prank called me at 1:30. I thought it was him so I called him and it all went to hell from there. He wound up here, we slept together and then he left.This morning I got the details about this woman, his "AA friend". I am so out of control mad. He is very sick and obviously in a manic state. He is untreated Bi-Polar 1. I swear I was arguing with an alcoholic this morning and we all know how insane that can make one feel. Well, I felt it.
The last thing I told him was to get a lawyer because as far as I'm concerned he is never seeing the kids again. Stupid, I know. I swear I feel exactly like I did before this program when I was dealing with his addictions, physical abuse and mental illness. We are divorced so really none of it is any of my business. I tried so damn hard to be his friend. He has just used me and disrespected me and intentionally hurt me and I allowed it all to happen. How did I get back here? What does it have to do with the kids? I feel he is using again. I don't want my kids around it. It doesn't matter if he is or isn't his behavior and the lies and all that goes with it are in full effect so it's just a matter of time before he picks up again. I don't want my kids to be around anyone like that much less their own father.
I prayed for an hour this morning, crying asking for some guidence. I have no clue as to what is best for the kids, myself. I have no idea. And, on top of that, I feel like he has cheated on me all over again. Which is silly. we have not been intimate for the last 6 months and the last time was such a huge mistake as was last night. Oh the drama has tempted me again. He also admitted he has read all of my journals and my fouth step. I hate him. I wish he'd just drop dead but unfourtunatly longevity runs in his family. I can't catch a break and he gets them all.......
My heart really goes out to you under what are difficult circumstances.
I have been where you are in terms of feeling like I have completely lost my sanity and serenity--I was an angry, resentful, crying, out-of-control mess at the end of my last relationship. What I realized for me, was that the loss of my serenity and sanity came directly from two places: 1) residual anger over boundaries I had not enforced throughout the relationship--I didn't even know what boundaries were so I just tried control, which didn't work LOL. 2) current anger and insanity over boundaries I was not currently enforcing.
I started to have to look very closely at WHO I AM. And, I realized very quickly that for me, I could not be friends with my ex. I realized that it was not realistic for me for lots, and lots, and lots of reasons, and that I simply needed to respect that reason and that fact. I also had to realize that in my case 10 times out of 10, I was the one who would relax my boundaries FIRST--and then suddenly my ex would be waltzing into a place too far into my life--not necessarily very far in fact--but a place further than I could handle with sanity, and I would be an angry, resentful, crying mess all over again. So, I began to look very closely at my part in it and here's what I found: I would say I didn't want contact, and then I would call; I would say I didn't want to here about X or Y or Z, and I would ask about it; I would say I didn't want to be friends and I would then say a bunch of super friendly things. As soon as I did that, BAM, the boundary was broken and suddenly I was someplace I didn't want to be.
For me, the hardest, hardest, HARDEST lesson of A-ism or other types of insanity, is that I have to both make clear boundaries and stick with them, and I have to be a line holder. If I say, for example, that I do not want to continue to talk to my ex, and my ex calls, I have to hold the line of what I said and get off the phone immediately. I don't have to be cold or harsh, but I do have to hold the line that I know will work best for me over the long-term. Otherwise, I have realized, when I do not hold my lines or my boundaries, I basically invite the insane A behavior into my livingroom, and then when it makes a huge mess, get furious and insane myself.
I realize, of course, not talking to your ex ever is simply not going to work here because of the kids. Although I think the steps, the program, and a sponsor, can all be very useful in these circumstances, I wonder, too, about getting a professional counselor, one who is familiar with bi-polor disorder to work with you to set up what Al-Anon calls "livable boundaries". I know that you have expressed two concerns in this post and earlier posts: 1) that he be able to see the kids 2) that sometimes you are afraid of him. A therapist may be able to help you sort out what is best for you and the kids and help you deal with the bi-polar parts of the equation and what to do should he ever get violent, and set these livable boundaries to protect your sanity.
Although you feel like a mess, although you feel like you don't know what you want--it seems that at the very least this last event has helped you identify what you don't want. I KNOW you can figure this out for yourself and your kids! Just rememeber: the key word to boundaries is livable boundaries--boundaries you can live with and consequences to those boundaries that you can enforce.
((((((((serendipity))))))))) I'm sorry for your pain. I've been in the program longer than four years and believe me, yesterday, I felt like I should be a newcomer.
You're obviously still hooked into your ex. Please don't beat yourself up for being jealous. Jealousy is a human emotion that we don't like to admit that we have. It's natural to want things to be different and hard to accept that things need to be different for you.
Acceptance of situations has not been easy for me. It has taken a lot of time and now I'm dealing with another situation that I need to accept. It helps me to know that acceptance doesn't mean I have to like it. I just have to accept what is; takes time. It's not easy to unhook when you have kids together. I was lucky in that my ex was so involved with his "floozy" (that he found while I was pregnant with my youngest daughter) that he didn't want to see me or his kids for a while. I didn't have Alanon at the time so I called him and ran after him trying to get him back. I was still hooked!
You're divorced from him. * He invaded your privacy when he snooped. * You're afraid he might be doing drugs - not a good environment for the kids. * He's not safe to sleep with after he's slept with someone else *******
I had to get counseling in order to unhook. You have Ala-non which might be enough. I'm sure you'll do all the right things because you know what to do.
One thing I learned from Alanon (which actually came from Toby Rice Drew's book on alcoholism) is: "if it's good for me, it's good for them".
Keep on keeping on and visiting here often. There's a lot of love on these boards.
I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. I hear dissappointment in your tone. What you don't know is that I truly believe that my HP brought me hear tonight. Your post and the responses have renewed my faith in Alanon. I know that you feel like you have had 4 years in Alanon and that you should have known better than to let yourself get caught up in old behaviors. What I saw when I read your post was that you're only human. You're honesty touched me. For me, I thought that Alanon was going to be a miracle pill. It was what was going to save my marriage and my sanity. Often I felt like a failure if I allowed my self to react to my husband's drinking. I thought "I must be doing something wrong because this just isn't working for me." I found myself going to meetings less often. Giving up because it wasn't working fast enough. I know that you will not let what you think is a slip hinder your recovery. I have confidence that you will use your 4 years in the program to pull yourself back up and move forward.
Sweetheart, we are in alanon because things like this happen when we have an A in our life.
Just becuz this situation came about, and things went like they did means zero. YOU immediately recognized it, you faced it, you were honest with yourself.
I am proud of you. I just wrote how we can be the most seasoned alanoner in the world and we are still going to get caught up in bad situations. The difference is, we know how to take a step away from it again.
Of course you felt jealous. It hurts. He has a horrible disease. The man you love is mixed up in a mess. It is hard for us to watch.
Hey I saw my AH with someone, I felt so stupid for all the nice things I ever did for him. Felt stupid for loving him so much. Then someone reminded me, it is the disease I hate, not him. The disease thru me away.
Please please, be good to you. YOU are too hard on yourself hon. The world is frigging hard. YOU are a good mom. Be good for you, rest some, give it to your hp. This is a wound, so now ya allow yourself to heal.
Get right back on your path and keep going. Alanon is a jouney the rest of our lives. The key is to not stop the jouney, no matter what.
Same as the A must get sick enough of being sick to stop. We have to be hurt enough to never want to have anything to do with the disease again.
Aw hun, I'm so sorry you are feeling out of control! I know it's hard. I have been having these thoughts myself. It's been six mos. I could just sleep with him but seeing what you've said makes me know I would be in exactly the same boat, angry with myself and him! I really appreciate you putting yourself out there like that and sharing because it might just help me to avoid the same mistake!
by the way, you're only human, you loved that man for a long time and it's hard to let go of! Alcoholics slip, you can slip too. I know usually when i slip on my diet i think o well i screwed it up might as well go all out now and that is the problem. It's ok to slip a little just when you realize it catch yourself and start fresh, don't keep tumbling down that hill all the way to the bottom! Today is a new day. We all need love and attention and sometimes that gets the better of us. Sometimes we do things we know are stupid because they feel good or we just have some unmet need that we want filled NOW! LOL You'll be ok, don't beat yourself up! Just say ok I messed up today is a new day! Remember just for today?
