The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A and I separated 13 months ago. I continue to live here in Turkey and am bumping along pretty well. Last time I saw him was back in July when I handed over our little pup for him and his family to care for while I was in Uk helping with the arrival of my first Grandchild. There has been very little contact between us. I have been progressing slowly with my programme and I left him to sort his own mess out. Let go and Let God!! He has drifted from one disaster to the next and I have stayed detached and got on with my own life.
I met a new guy and after a couple of dates realised he too was an A. I ran for the hills,then discovered he was also heavily into cocaine. Phew!!! Shortly after I met another guy who is nice,but there is absolutely no attraction there for me. We've agreed to be friends,but he constantly pushes my boundaries obviously wanting more than I am prepared to offer,so I keep him at a distance. I am amazed at how strong I have become and how unafraid I am these days to assert myself and not allow myself to be manipulated by other people. This programme rocks!!!! I say exactly what I mean and I don't say it mean. WOW!!! I have discovered an amazing thing too. The less I allow others to work me,the more they respect me and the better I feel about myself. The old me would bend over backwards to accomodate everyone else's wishes and desires..leaving me feeling like none of my needs were being met and that old chesnut....resentment ....worming it's ugly way back into my very being.
I have three guys at the moment who all want to spend time with me,take me for meals out and day trips out. All of them know exactly where they stand with me. If I want to spend time with them,I do and if I don't ,I won't. Amazingly I can even say "sorry,I am having dinner with x tonight but the day after is fine if that's ok with you?" I have learned to tell it like it is and be totally honest and up front about what I want and my messages seem to be being heard and understood. I can even be out for dinner with x and then bump into y or z and they will all sit and chat with each other!! How cool is that?
I should add that I have refused adamantly any physical relationship with any of these guys- I am a bit of an ol'fashioned biddy myself....he he. (Of course,they have all tried but they are men,right???? I have been completely honest with them all and stated quite clearly that it's just not on the agenda..take it or leave it!! ) They have all respected my stand and stuck around. To be brutally frank,I don't see any chance of any of these guys being anything more than just friends. I have told them this in a kind way and they all accept my terms,although they have each let me know that if it were to change they would be delighted. If any one of them tried to change the status quo I would have no qualms about removing myself from their company.For the moment I am enjoying the open,honesty and let's face it.it's nice to be taken out for dinner and have some male attention.
This old girl is 55 years young this year and has never really done the dating scene.and it was more than a little scarey for me to get my head round. I met my husband when I was just 15 and married at 19,divorced after 29 years. I have been in two serious relationships since.One turned out to be with a violent control freak who nearly beat me half to death,until I got the help I needed to escape from him.....and the other with my A who is a kind and sweet man,but hopelessly addicted to alcohol and is sadly a danger to both me and him self when drinking. I still love and am in love with him...........but I had to find the strength to allow him the dignity of finding his own path.
After a very bumpy start,I find that I am actually quite enjoying my path. I have no idea where it will lead,but for the present time it's pretty much where I guess HP wants me to be.
It's great to hear from you again and such great news too!!! You sure deserve it all the joy coming your way. Best of all, you did it all yourself, gathering strength you didn't know you had. Alanon does rock, but the program itself is meaningless without the strength that it takes to work it.
Hope tohear from you again soon, Christy (Cjo)
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Chris - you are going to attract what you put out there. Are you confident being alone? Is there some rule that says we have to have a man in our life? I am confident that I need an electrician in my life! I am not so sure I need a man, am I lonely at times, hell yes!! But I am comfortable being alone. We have to be comfortable in our own skin, before we share oour life with someone else. If we are unconfident, we will attract less desirables. Think about your life and form a picture in your mind of what you really want, and that is what you will attract. You started so young, I know you don't know a life without a man, but being a confident single woman, will attract more of the kind of man you are really looking for.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
