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I just hate the feeling of being one straw away from a melt down. That is where I sadly still am. This morning, my daughter would not cooperate while I was getting ready to leave for daycare and then work. I spanked her...she peed all over herself and her St. Patrick's day outfit and...I lost it. Had to bath her, dress her, all the while knowing I would be late for work and that I was the only person to open the office this morning. I screamed and cried all in front of her. I cannot describe in words, how horrible I feel. It hasn't been an easy week, but i know that that in no way excuses my melt down.
I had a horrible phone call with my A b/f, who wants me to pick him up at jail on what is called a midnight release. Which means I agree with the Sheriff that I will go to the jail at midnight, they will release him to me and he gets out at 12:01 am on his release date, as opposed to when they get good and ready to release him sometime that day. His release date is on a Friday, so the Thursday night before, I am supposed to take my daughter an hour away to wait for two to three hours to pick him up. Then go to work the next day. I can't take that Friday off because the other administrative person in my office is off that week, not that I want to take the day off for that reason to begin with. I don't even want him coming home to my house. And what about our daughter, am I supposed to take her to daycare, when she will be sleeping in a stroller or car half the night? He doesn't get out for another month, so I am annoyed at myself for letting this get to me this week and even more annoyed that my first reaction to him wasn't, "let me think about it" or"No that won't work for me".
This week at work has been stressful too. I have had to cover for two different people because they were out sick last week and now that they are back I'm having to set boundaries because somehow they think these are my duties now. I am also trying to follow a food program that a co-worker is on, and I realized last night, that whenever she pisses me off (which was yesterday) I take it out by cheating on the food plan (which I did). Like somehow that is getting back at her. How screwed up is my thinking.
My mantra for today is definately, Fake it, Till I make it. I decided after getting to work, that that is the only way I will make it through today. I just feel so horrible about my daughter. Accidents happen and I need to get myself better, so I can deal with them and her like a good Mommy should. Feeling pretty low at the moment. I am going to a face to face meeting tonight, so I am glad for that.
((((((Leetle)))))) I did something similar to my daughter once when she was little because of my own frustration and anger.
Of course you can apologize to your 3-year-old - that's what I did. I hugged her and told her that "mommy was all mixed up that morning" and that I wouldn't act that way in front of her again. I've never forgotten the guilt I felt for spanking her that morning. And I never did it again. I did get some counseling for myself because I was depressed and felt close to a breakdown. I didn't know about Alanon at the time.
It's hard for us not to beat ourselves up. We are human, though, and we make mistakes and must forgive ourselves as well as ask our children to forgive us. I wish I'd had someone to tell me this when I goofed up
thank you so much for sharing your experience , strength and hope. despite all your difficulties, i see real growth in what you said. you recognize that your behavior isn't right and you are reaching out for help. GOOD FOR YOU !!!!!!! going to face to face tonight will be of great benifit to you.
(((Leeltle))) When things get chaotic like they are for you right now, I find it helpful to put first things first. When my life is out of control I find it hard to make decision about even the most simple things. It's okay to take a time out for yourself to clear your head and get things in order. Personally, I am a list maker. I will actually write down items such as deal with coworkers, spend positive time with daughter, make decision about ah. Then Ican stop thinking about all of the things in my life because they are being stored on paper. One by one I can prioritize, make a calm decision that is what is best for me and keeps my side of the street clean, then say what I mean without saying it mean.
As for your daughter, 3 yr olds are very resilient. Give her a hug, rent her favorite movie, and spend some time cuddling. You will both be just fine.
(((Leetle))) Lately I have really been trying to work on how I respond to stress situations. I have been known to say to the kids..."I'm sorry I yelled. It's just that your dad has got me so angry and I'm taking it out on you" I know this is not completeley copasetic. It was a stepping stone. I know that they deserved to know I was sorry for my behavior. Now if I lose it, I might tell them something was on my mind, or even warn them before hand. Also, I try as much as I can to see how these other issues can affect my behavior and try to stop it. The fact that you are aware it is even a problem is awesome. Your daughter is lucky to have you. Sincerely, Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Leetle, you will not like what I have to say, but I say these things with great caring and concern. Why on earth can't Abf wait until later in the day to be released? His even asking, to say nothing of expecting you to take daughter and make a long drive at midnight just to please him is ludicrous!!! So what if he leaves at 10 a.m. or 2 p.m. Also, after your meltdown with daughter, you need to do some serious wondering about what the future holds with this Abf who is selfish and sounds arrogant and downright mean. Is this a proper father figure for your girl? I'd kick his a** to the curb so fast he wouldn't know what was happening. I am not advising you to do anything; simply telling you what I would do.
Your behavior is not "faking it 'til you make it." You were out of control, and yes, you can and should apologize to your daughter. Tell her you are very sorry, and see to it that she and Mom have some serious together time, "just for girls." Take her to lunch at a nice restaurant so that she can begin to learn how polite society operates.
Take care of you and your precious daughter. Nothing, and certainly no man is worth compromising your daughter's happiness and well-being.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I have done similar things to my own kids - you can apologize, and remember it in future. I have one shameful memory of a tantrum I took on my little boy, and although I lost it with them now and then in later years (impossible not to, really) , I never did anything like that again. I could not live with myself, otherwise. We learn from our mistakes.
Even if you did agree to pick him up, because it was sprung on you before you thought about it, you can always call back and say you have changed your mind, and it's just not possible. This seems like an enormous amount for the two of you to go through, in order to save him a few more hours in prison. It's not like he's in pain or danger - it is a matter if his inconvenience weighed against inconvenience to you and your daughter. To my mind, a three year old's sleep trumps an adult's any time. It would be different if she were safely sleeping somewhere else, and you just had to make a 15 minute drive. As it is, it sounds to me like a bad night for the two of you, just so he doesn't have to eat one more prison breakfast. Not a good bargain.
Like others have posted, I too have made those "mistakes" and at times the memories still show up when I least expect them to.
You are human ((((((((Le)))))))))). We all are. Stress will absolutely make you crazy hon. Try "Keep it simple." I remember wanting my kids to be perfectly dressed, perfectly behaved, etc. etc. etc. It made both them and me crazy.
Not sure if you were able to tell her "Mommy is having a bad day and I'm sorry." Leave it at that hon. She's still little and I suspect she will never remember the incident. Don't beat yourself up.
Regarding your A, only you can know what decision is right for you. That midnight timing doesn't sound very courteous or considerate to me either. You are the sole provider for your daughter. If he's getting treatment, he should be learning about how to handle disappointment. If he's not being cooperative to you, that's a sign for you.
So proud of you for posting, love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I'm with Diva . . . sometimes a compassionate response can feel hurtful *at first*, but that little girl is the most important person in your life next to you. It's hard to imagine her in twenty years but before you know it, you will do what all of us Moms get to do when our kids are up and out and we have time to think back. Regrets are forever, and we all have them, but thank goodness with honest sharing and willingness to receive feedback can prevent some of them.
I guarantee what you regret about what was done to/with your children are the most difficult regrets to live with. They are helpless and have no choice but to put up with us and our choices. They don't have a choice, and can't get away, and I so wish I had the maturity and selflessness to know this when my kids were little.
An outburst like you had won't hurt your little girl too much, kids are resilient. Let your present feelings of guilt INFORM you of a boundary you crossed. Simply apologize and spend special time with her and move on, and so will she :) .
