The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been emailing back and forth with my husband and he sounds pretty certain that he doesn't want me anymore which is making me sad and I'm not sure why. I have been seeing this guy who I know is completely BAD for me! I'm supposed to see him tomorrow night and I know he really likes me a lot but once again another alcoholic and I'm thinking about cancelling our plans for tomorrow before I get involved more than I want to be. I thought I could just dabble and walk away but the more I think about it the more stupid it seems and now today I'm depressed. Not only because I had great plans for this weekend with somone who will show me some damn warmth and caring but because I keep getting these emails from my husband about how he loves me so much but we can't be together again!!!! It's killing me inside. I don't know why I want him so much still even after all the hell he's put me thru. I am not even sure it's him that I want, just some human contact for god sake! I'm starved and desperate and I hate it!! I still don't really have any friends here that I can go do the things I like to do with. I feel like I'm tumbling and don't know how to stop myself. I want someone to want me and I have that but I know he's no good for me. I really don't wanna call off the date for tomorrow I need a lil luv and he's so sweet to me. It's not that I don't know what I "should" do it's that I don't want to do what I should I wanna do what I want!
Thanks for letting me vent Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
It's human nature to want to be loved and cared about. We need that. It's okay to feel that. Having said that, I believe that it has to start from within. We have to love and care about ourselves (not an easy task). I'm still working on that. As for your husband, think about it this way: You are grieving for a relationship that once was. Much like the physical death of a loved one, the death of a realtionship is just as painful. You need to say goodbye, grieve and move on. That takes time. It doesn't mean that you don't love your husband. I suspect you fell in love with the man not the addict. There is no harder lesson than lonliness. But we learn how to cope as time goes by. As for your friend, listen to those red flags! Habits/old patterns are hard to break. I use to choose men whom I thought needed "saving." Turns out I was the one who needed saving. Perhaps this weekend is still salvageable (sp?). Do something just for you. Call a friend, change the scenery. Mix it up a bit. Maybe do something you've never thought you would do. As crazy as this sounds, take a rollercoaster ride (I'm terrified of them!)! Go out on a limb. Find the inner child in you, and give yourself permission to be silly. You'd be amazed what that can do for the soul.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Grief is a process ~ Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.
Each of these processes is a necessary part of getting through to the other end.
I highly recommend How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It's an amazing, quick, little read with helpful suggestions for each process and the most apropros poems regarding each process. I can't tell you how many times I've read this book over and over again.
That's why I learned that I was as sick as my A. I never believed it. I was the strong one. I was the driven one. I was the one who got things done. And all of that got me a lot of unhappiness and found me at the front door of Al-anon. Are you attending face to face meetings?
Sorry you are hurting, keep coming. yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I have a very close friend in my home group that is a very similiar place as you. She has often said "I know what I should do - I'm just not there yet." She has continued to prayer for the willingness and the power to make the right steps in her recovery.
She has an ex who still continues to call, email & stay in touch with her on a regular basis. Just as friends, he likes to say, as he has started a life with someone else. The straw that broke the camel's back was when he emailed her pictures of the new baby he & the girlfriend had a few weeks ago, the same week he complained to a mutual friend that his "ex" wouldn't stay out of his new life. ????
How crazy is that???
Insane - But, she had to reach her own bottom with the situation as you will with yours also. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again & expecting different results. I know, I experience this on a daily basis. Sometimes, we know that we should be doing things differently but we just don't have the power to act that way, yet.
At that point, we have won half the battle. We then can say to our HP - I know what I need to do, I am just unable to do that. I know that you can. Would you please do for me what I can not do for myself?
Which is the first three steps of the program? I am powerless. There is a HP that is powerful. I'll turn my will & life over to that HP.
So keep on working thru your feelings, turning to your HP for guidance & hang in there - Look how far you have come in this journey.
Hope that you are able to have a wonderful weekend & be good to you,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Have you been attending meetings in your area? Sorry, can't recall if you go or not. I made many friends at my meetings and found lots to do. Being involved in the group also opens up opportunity for some weekend happenings.
Working the steps will allow you to discover what this NEED really stems from. If you're still choosing alcoholics then there is work to be done. Keep working on you...
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Have you done an inventory about your relationship with your husband? About your previous relationships? When we sit down, write out what made our previous relationships special and why they didn't work out, what we learn is where we played into the dysfunction and where we fell short. I'm not saying go ALL THE WAY through high school--but what about those "special" relationships? And certainly your relationship with your husband? The most significant--and certainly emotional--relationships are generally the best places where we can learn a great deal about ourselves, especially about our character defects. I would strongly urge you to also discuss this with your sponsor.
Carolina, you love your husband and want things to be "normal." Perfectly understandable. It is a hard thing to face that your loved one is sick, always will be sick.
You don't live with him now so all you really remember is the good stuff. That is natural too. Until you get so sick of the pain the disease causes, it will cont. like this.
It took all these years and seeing my A being such a miserable, gross looking, using an unlady and he being rude to me in public situation to hurt me so bad, I cannot bring up anything good anymore. For me to take my beautiful ring off is major.
Ok right now you are sad, apparently unsatisfied. Same old thing, you cannot go to a hardware store for bread. NO matter how many men, good, bad whatever you "try" to get what you need out of, you will fail.
I think I read you go to church? Lets just say my experience. I reap what I sew. NOt sure that is the right sew spelling. When I keep my morals right, work towards what is right, I really am blessed with good things.
You say this guy is bad, you even consider not seeing him. Apparently he is not satisfying your need. Your need is not sex, it is LOVE. What I learned was when I loved me, I did not need anyone else to fulfill anything. What it was, i found was a want. Being with someone was icing on the cake. It was extra.
I had to face I loved my husband and until I was ready to give it up, it was not fair to me or to anyone to "try" to make something it wasn't.
What is sounds like is addiction. You know it is bad, but you crave it anyway. You think it will feel better, but ya don't, only for a little while and ya are driven for more.
IN reality if it were love, it would sustain you thru anything. Even if you could not have sex.
I get concerned about you.
I am also confused, I though A was in jail. His disease is talking anyway, how manipulating is I love you--------but we cannot be together. I mean all we hear is the I LOVE YOU. The disease does not want to let us go. It is in him uno, he wants to keep a hold on you in case he needs to use you. Disease talking thru him. uno?
Breaks my heart knowing how you feel. I know from ex. that when we work on our self and really come to our "self actualization" we learn what our wants are and our needs. We no longer look to someone else to give them too us.
BUT we still need love from others, does not have to be sexual. Intimate friends we can talk to, hug, be around for a long time.
I was raising two kids when I made my A stay away. Went back to college, worked full time. Made sure I was home when they were home. We had so much fun going on day trips, fishing going to the fish hatchery, the mountains, the beach.
HIking rafting. things that did not cost much but gas and food. It feels so good now not to feel the wrong things can fulfill me.
Plus my hp has a wonderful guide how to live well and be happy as possible in a hard world.
anyway hugs and I love your updates. debilyn putting up fences and brushing out two muddy horses!!
Thanks everyone, I decided to cancel the plans with the new guy. Although I love the positive attention I know he is an alcoholic with a criminal history which he lied about and I need to stop myself before going down that road. My plan was to have a little fun and move on but now I think it's not fair to either of us to continue when I know there's no future.
Debilyn, I love your reference, it does sound like an addction, an attention addiction - I crave it like a drug and never seem to get enough. I wish I knew how to get rid of it! I just want someone to want me, I'm perfectly happy going out alone usually so guess that's my new plan for tomorrow. Guess I'm gonna do some heart breaking tonight...
AWWWW Carolina, I'm so sorry to hear you feeling so sad! I'm happy for you that you are doing what you deep-down know is the right thing. I had "jumped from the frying pan into the fire" when my ex and I seperated. Ya see, Ex was never home in our marriage. He was a very restless person, very sociable, I was content to stay at home, and very shy. If I didn't want to go out with him, he went on his own. I was very lonely for most of my 23 year marriage.. Not long after I told Ex that I wanted a divorce, (I had foolishly thought that once he retired(early retirement), we'd be together more. He was just as restless... my kids were growing up and didn't need me nearly as much.. back into lonliness!! THEN!! I met my A. We drank and partied, had lots of fun, got pretty smashed up in an accident (yes he had been drinking), he nearly died several times, and was told he would never walk again. I WAS NEEDED!!OMG!! The start of my Co-dependancy!! Although I love my A sober more than I have ever loved anyone, and am very happy with him now, I would never wish what I've been through on anyone else! I had never experienced Aism before, and fell into it, hook, line and sinker! (anyone who remembers, I fished with him on a lobster boat, so a bit of humor there). Alanon has been truly a miracle for me. This board turned my whole life around. Once I had learned to detatch, things started getting so much better. When I came to this board, I had hit MY bottom, and the love and caring of people who knew exactly what I was going through saved my sanity! I know the trouble lonliness and needing to be needed got me into. There certainly were "Hell" years!! One day, I was on the beach (my favorite place to meditate). I was at an all-time low. I don't ever remember feeling more down. I just wanted to walk into the water, and keep on going. I was sitting on a rock, and asked (God, my HP) to show me a sign that He was there. I was looking down, and found the most beautiful rock I had ever found! (I'm an amature Rockhound since I was old enough to walk) A feeling of undescribable Joy came over me. From that moment on, I knew I would never be alone again!! I haven't had the feeling of aloneness (?) since. Praying that someday, you will find the happiness inside yourself that I have, with Love, TLC
