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Okay, the other night I came into our room and it absolutely reeked of beer, like it does most nights. But that night it was worse for some reason. I said "Wow what stinks in here?" and he said "i don't know, what's it smell like?" I said it reeks like beer. and he said, well then that was a stupid question. Nice that he said that huh? I said, I'm sick of our room smelling like beer every night. He said, I'm sure you do. Doesn't even give a crap. I hate the smell of beer, and some nights it makes me nauseous. Someone had said set a boundary, tell him he can't drink in our room. Well, two problems with that-one, if he's not drinking up there he's doing it front of our kids, and I don't want that, and I definitely don't want him going out to drink. Second problem is, even if i told him that, there's no way he'd listen. I couldn't make him stop drinking in our room. So, I'm thinking of saying, if he drinks in our room and it reeks of beer, I'll sleep on the couch, because i can't stand the smell of our bedroom, or him for that matter, after he's been drinking. Sound fair?
Call me the B word but I would not give up my room. Him and I would come to some sort of agreement but it would not be me sleeping on our couch. I hope it works out for you. Good luck. ^i^
Don't sound like really good communications going on tween you and your Alcoholic. If his body language is that he isn't in a caring mood then maybe the boundaries are already set? You don't want him at the bar or in front of the kids and that leaves the bedroom because the trend has already been set. The sofa would sound good to me for now. I've also used the sofa at the office, the back of my car...what else???? hummmm. I don't think you'd go sleep in a beer bar on purpose so maybe for now it's not about rights, it's about happy.
My husband would make the whole room stink so badly almost every night. It made me nauseous. I still can't stand alcohol and we have been apart for a year. But about this time I stopped having even a drop of alcohol and that is still the case. Anyway, in my situation he didn't seem to care. He would say he did, but then never do anything about it. Nothing changed. I slept on the couch for three years it turned into. And nothing still ever changed. That is my story.
I think you're being very giving to him. Okay, I can see you don't want him drinking in front of the children and the easiest option would be to leave him to the bedroom.
I would just be unwilling to sleep on the sofa longterm....Thats just me. I'd feel I was allowing him to deprive me of a comfortable nights sleep. (My couch is not very comfy!) I feel I deserve that basic comfort.
Anyway minnie, I think you have to do whatever you yourself feel is fair for you.There is no right or wrong. Clearly you are putting your kids first and thats great. We can only do our best!
We luckily have a spare bedroom! My AH snores like a chainsaw if he is drinking, he also sprawls out and takes up the whole bed. He would snore, I would go to the spare room. He would wake up to find me gone and come to the spare room. I would go back to our bed, and he would follow me there! Finally I said in a very polite way, I can't sleep when you are snoring, would you mind sleeping in the spare room
My point is that when you are setting a boundary you need to put the emphasis on you and your needs. Otherwise he will just feel like he is being attacked and become defensive. Also, a boundary will never work if it is not somehow enforcable. If you say "you can't sleep in our room if you have been drinking there," what are you going to do when he does it anyway?
Boundaries take a lot of practice. If all else fails, Febreze works pretty good!
Bravo to you for deciding to start taking care of YOU!!!
That is awesome.
Boundaries are tough stuff - sometimes we don't always do it well at first - Progress not Perfection. So don't worry if you don't get it right at first - we always get second, third and so on chances to keep setting those boundaries. (lol)
If you are comfortable sleeping on the sofa, go for it. If you have a time that he is sober, that you can let him know the boundary before hand - that is usually a good thing. example: "I am uncomfortable sleeping in the room when it smells like beer. If I come in our bedroom & it smells like beer, I will be sleeping on the sofa. Please do not disturb me."
Now, again, he might not honor that boundary - he may decide to wake everyone in the house & complain about you sleeping on the sofa, but that's about him not you. And you can always have a Plan B to leave the house if you & the children need to.
Continue to take care of yourself. That is always a good thing for you & your recovery.
Wishing you peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
The idea of boundries is that they are assertive and honest. If I were you, I would enlist the help of someone who knew me well--like a sponsor-- and I would ask some help in figuring what boundries I NEED. You may already have some boundries you didn't know you had! Do you, by chance, have a guest room? Or bed room "the kids" aren't using? Discuss this, too, with your sponsor.
I'm am not sure that sounds like a boundry....I know if I said someting like that to my husband...he could care less, I would then see myself getting resentfull about sleeping on the couch.
Thanks for all the replies. I know this isn't the best boundary, or the most fair one to me, and a lot of you said "I'd make him sleep on the couch" but there is no way I could make him sleep on the couch. He'd outright refuse. In fact, he has before when we've been in a fight. I asked him to sleep on the couch and he said no, if I didn't want to be next to him, I could go to the couch. He was going to make sure he was comfortable. And the reason I said I would sleep on the couch was because the room reeks. I'm not sleeping on the couch because he drinking, but because he's drinking in our room and it stinks. I can't stand the smell. And I was thinking that if I slept on the couch, it would make it very hard for his "needs" to be met. Know what I mean?
