The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I couldn't tell you how many times my active AH husband and I have seperated in the five years we have been together. I lost count a long time ago. I do know that with each time it get's easier. It seems to me that it doesn't matter how much alanon I have under my belt, I just can't seem to live with an active alcoholic. I know that there are some of you that do and I commend you. I try to apply all the tools I have learned thru alanon but I still let him push my buttons. I find myself thinking how great it would be if we could just agree that we just can't live together but still have a relationship. I know that it sounds like I want to have my cake and eat it too. But for me, to not have to live in all that chaos and be able to walk away if things start to get out of hand sounds wonderful! This attitude may be hindering me in dealing with my co-dependent issues. I don't know.
Your post sounds so familiar to me. My AH and I have split up and made up more times than I want to remember. I'm going through those same feelings myself right now. Am I able to detach emotionally to keep my marriage? My attitude has been a big hinderance as well, maybe even helping to keep him active. I know now that I don't cause the using, I didn't cause the progression of his disease. I don't cause his unacceptable behaviors (might provoke them a bit) but ultimately I didn't cause it. Some days I want to run and start over. You are in my thoughts and prayers for peace and serenity. Wish there could be an easy solution that all the conventional methods such as therapy, doctors, and program would just click so easily for the A and myself, but its not easy, its damn hard. Give yourself some TLC tonight you deserve it.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
((Julie))) I've been there before, a time or two. But when we split up, it seems like I am always the last to know! He just takes off for a couple of days. He is always the one who leaves, I don't tell him to. Tho we have been separated 3.5 months once, and 7 weeks the other time. I hate living with alcohol, but it seems like I cannot get past just wanting him here! Wish there were some magical potion to make him well. Am trying to work Alanon, and it has helped me immensely, at least I am working on detachment, and not wanting to die all the time anymore. I am learning. I guess one cannot overdose on Alanon. The fighting starts when he gets angry, many times I do not even know what he is mad about. I am frightened and confused a lot of times. This is not my first marriage, and I should "know better" so I'm told by well meaning friends, but I love this guy. I have for many years. Even when he is not here, I love him. I just don't get it. Never felt this way about any other person in my life. The important thing is to keep coming back, keep on keeping on. Love in Recovery, Becky1
I live like that and I have to say it's pretty nice. The hard part is he comes home and expects things to be like it was when he left. He wants me to play happy wife and homemaker and kiss him when he walks in the door. I just can't. So much damage has been done. The great part is I don't have to deal with him when he drinks. His roomates have to deal with him hahaha The funniest part of all of it is that dh is living with a huge alcoholic and is so seeing what he was like. I love it. He's learning alot. It's ok to have day dreams...They're fun!
I also have been there done that, felt that, thought that, said that etc!! Alanon isn't about staying with or leaving the alcoholic. It's about changing ourselves for the better and finding happiness, sanity and serenity whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not...here or there or any where. It was more difficult when the swinging door was reminding me of a coo coo clock...in out, in out, in out. Oh wow!
Then I get into Alanon and the suggestions I am getting in program are sooooo very different than I am getting from my peers at work and church and everywhere else. Al-Anon was telling me to detach and showing me how to do that. What an art form. She continued to do all the things that active alcoholics progressively do and I stopped enabling the chaos. I stepped back and stopped my act. That changed things a bit for a while and with more program more things (in and for me) started to change. She on the other hand continued to get progressively sicker. Strange...I was getting better; she was getting sicker.
The button pushing stopped for me when metaphorically I started to clip the wires off behind the buttons. What she was trying to do by going after my buttons was to get me to play the part in the disease I always did without much prompting. She needed me to play that part...the disease needed me to play that part. If I didn't there was no disease for me so I clipped the wires to the buttons and when she pushed...there was no reaction!! Marvelous slogan..."Don't react."
You already have a relationship with him. Not a good relationship but a relationship. Maybe the realationship will become more settled for you when you lower your expectations and start working the steps for yourself. Eventually you will get to step 4 and the most intimate relationships you will have formed will be with a Power Greater than yourself (and greater than the alcoholic), yourself and hopefully a compassionate, supportive sponsor.
When things get out of hand you have the ability to leave. Exercise that ability. You don't need the right to in order to go salvage your self.
"Having our cake and eating" too sounds soooo alcoholic when you stand off from the problem by about 20 yards and look at the whole picture. That is exactly the description only they describe it as "Self will run riot". No cake and icing...just the "I want."
