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Hi all. I haven't written in awhile but I am finding myself so angry and sad at AH. I don't know what to do. I just want to scream! He was doing so well. Just before xmas he went on a drinking bindge for a week because he failed his breathilizer in his car. He thought he was going to jail again (he was arrested last spring for DWI). So this set him off for a week. Whatever! I have never really forgiven him for going down that road again. So he stopped drinking and now 3 months later we are here again. I have a 3 yr old son (4 yr birthday end of March) and we were taking him out the other night. AH comes home in a panic. He finally tells me that he had a drink and the breathilizer went off in the car. He didn't breath into it but now he is in a panic! I don't know why I did it, but I went out and breathed into it for him. Then the fighting starting. I am just so sick and tired of it all. I don't even know if I love him anymore. I am so disgusted. He swears he just had one drink and he is stopping again. This happens every 3 months. He just can't get past the 3 month mark!!! I am just finding myself so angry I just want to punch him! I can't even look in his face anymore. We had a HUGE fight the other night and I basically told him that there is nothing left for us anymore. If he ruins my sons birthday this year I will NEVER ever forgive him! He has ruined every holiday and every occasion for the past 2 years I am SICK of it! I have to start going to meetings. I just don't want to live this life anymore with him! I told him, that he doesn't know how to be happy so at every occasion he wants to bring me down with him! Its true and he knows it. I have been trying to forgive him for ruining xmas this year but everytime I think about it I start questioning my love for him and if there is any left. I just don't know what to do. He swears that he is going to be here for my sons birthday and it was just a little slip but how do you believe someone that has lied to you for so long. We are living in the same house but have been seperated for a long time now. I have been trying to get something back. To feel something, but I just can't find it in there and then he goes and has a slip. I know he keeps saying it was a slip, but this is how it starts. He thinks he can handle one drink and then he can't stop himself. It takes total control over him. I don't know what to do.
Hi, You're definitely NOT alone! I think binge drinking is so hard to handle because you get your hopes up every time that he's going to make it this time and just when you start to trust again it is violated! My husband was a binger too. I'm sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't count on it stopping anytime soon unless he starts going to meetings. I gave so many ultimatums i can't even remember them all but as the saying goes say what you mean and mean what you say! I finally left with 3 kids and am trying to do it on my own. My A is going to meetings but I doubt I will ever believe that he is better!
He goes to meetings and an A&D counselor. He went to a meeting last night. but its exactly like you said I get my hopes up that he is going to stop only to be let down time after time. I feel the same. I don't know if he really gets it and if he will ever get better. I would be happier by myself with just my little guy than to go through this every 3 months. He just doesn't get it! He doesn't realize what it is doing to me and my family unit. I am so close to just leaving with my little guy! I need to be happy.
(((Rose))) I walk in your shoes. Many of us do. You are right, you need to get to meetings. Learn everything you can about Al anon, get the newcomer info when you get to a meeting, read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, go to open AA meeting (they are invaluable) and read the AA Big Book. You are caught up in the chaos of alcoholism and the only way out is to take care of yourself through Al anon. I wish I had some magic al anon words that could fix everything for you, but the reality is that it takes a lot of practice to detach with love. Give yourself the gift of peace and serenity by pursuing your own program of healing. Nothing you do can fix your AH, he has to do that for himself. You do have control over yourself and how you react to the situations that arise. At least your AH has acknowledged the problem and is seeking help. A'ism is a cunning, baffling, progressive disease that no one chooses. It is a compulsion no one but an A can even comprehend. Keep coming back!
I'm going to share my experience so take what you'd like and leave the rest. I had to quit enabling him (I would not have blown in the breathalizer) I left my husband to be responsible for everything that he did. I also quit taking him to holiday things. This last Christmas he wasn't drinking but I found a pain killer that he had hidden in my children's bathroom that was on Christmas eve so I made him leave. He did not spend Christmas with me and his children because of what he did. Yes, it broke my children's heart but I had to make a point. He was no longer invited to my children's birthday parties, any holiday at all. I still went and had a great time and didn't have to worry about him making himself looking like a fool. I did that for eight years! But you know what? He knows without a shadow of a doubt that he can not come near me shaking, or smelling of alcohol. He has quit drinking. He realized what he was doing to HIMSELF and he had no one to blame but HIMSELF. He knew I quit loving him because I told him "I love you for giving me children but I am not in love with you" and I filed for a divorce. (this was the third time with the divorce papers and nothing was going to stop me) So I started to take care of myself and lived without him and he hated that. I lost 30 lbs, I colored my hair, I bought some new clothes and I am looking pretty hot I must say :) and he apparently took a look in the mirror and he realized "omg, I am a drunk. I do not look healthy, I'm excluded from any family functions, I can not see my kids" He had enough and so far he has not drank and is trying to better himself.(now mind you, he has tried to get sober hundreds of times...the last was seven months and this time he wants it forever) He realizes he was left behind while I was moving ahead. So that's what I did.He says he is just tired of it all, that things are so much easier to not drink and have a good attitude. He says it took too much time and energy to be bitter and angry and fight with the alcohol. He loves being sober and having me and the kids and doing family things. He's tasted the "good life" and he wants that. He knows I can take it all away again. Good luck. My best advice is when you say something stick to it and do NOT budge. Do not enable and let him be held responsible for what he does. Your in my prayers ^i^
I'm sorry he relapsed. It can be heartbreaking to watch, and yes we do get angry when it happens. I realized at some point that I was more angry at the disease than him. My A is a chronic relapser. I can't tell you how many times he relapsed. It took his version (not mine) of hitting bottom to finally get him sober. The last time I did have enough and asked him to leave. I am not telling you you should make him leave. You have to do what is best for you. This disease is progressive. However I believe that there is always hope. You never know if he continues to go to his meetings and counceling what may stick. Please keep coming back to us.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My A is a binger also, so I understand the anger and frustration you experience. Being with a binge drinker is the worst kind of roller coaster ride. My A, once in six months or so, takes what I call his, "gentleman's vacation." For three days I don't know whether he is dead or alive, (he probably doesn't either...LOL!!) and truth be known, during those binges I am not sure I care one way or the other!! It tough. I know. Then, of course, we deal with the broken promises of never doing that again. Hmmmm...right. I've grown to KNOW he'll do it again; the only question is when. I don't know that there is a way to get over those deep feelings that go along with life with a binger. But one thing for usre...you need to try to keep yourself and 3-year-old son in the #1 position.
Please take care.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
thanks everyone. I will try and find a group that I like. I have tried two groups in the past that I wasn't happy with. I will try another. It is exactly like a rollercoaster ride. One minute up the next down. Right now I am just talking to him about what needs to be spoken about, our son etc. Otherwise he is just another person sharing the expenses in my home. I have pretty much cut him off. The next step is out the door. I just can't live like this anymore. And I do need to learn how to detach. I have read co-dependent no more. I will dig it out and read it again. And when I get to a meeting I will get the other books. Thanks for all of your support. It is so nice to know I can come here and talk with others that understand exactly where I am coming from. I just wish there was something that can take the pain and heartache away. I know in time it will come. I just have to find that place again.
Well I know I got on my resentment pot this morning. The stuff the A has done. Putting his friends first, his mother on a pedastel, the money stuff, the lies all the time. He's always telling me my concerns are not that important. I have to really closely monitor my resentments not that I am a Saint either. I have to seriously limit my ruminations about the past. There were lots of signs in the past which I did not know what to do about. I was also not prepared to separate before.
We beat ourselves to a pulp. The words I will never forgive him are prophetic. For me they are the sign that I am at a limit. I pay attention to my limits these days. Sometimes I just tell the A I am not going to be able to do anymore I am at a limit. I said that about finance he heard me. They do hear sometimes.
Personally I take it one day at a time. That's where I am at right now. One day at a time. This is what I need to do today. This is what I need to do next week. I manage that. If I get into future planning with the A I just anticipate catastrophe and get into if he does this it will be the end. The issue for me is of course it never is the end the A has many many many catasrophe's he never gets to the point of losing his health I do. He just maintains his denial.
Hope that you are able to find a meeting that you feel comfortable in - my home group usually suggest that a newcomer attend 6 meetings before deciding if the meeting is for you or not.
I, too, can relate to having the majority of the special occasions ruin by the A's unhealthy behaviors. We had many, many years of that. In fact, still can have that type of situation with our daughter if we don't enforce those healthy boundaries. Maybe you can start thinking about some healthy boundaries you might want to set for your son's birthday party. Maybe having the party where if the A shows up under the influence, he will be asked to leave? Do you have an Uncle, Brother, or someone who could help you with that? It may make the party uncomfortable for a few minutes, but better a few minutes than ruining the entire party. And of course, you always have the option to tell the A, he's not invited because he's behavior is unreliable.
The beauty of recovery for me is the discovery of the fact that I have choices. I have the option to limit my contact with an A who is unable to or won't respect my boundaries. It is not always easy to make these choices. It has taken me time and working a program of recovery to be able to do so, but I'm getting there - One Day at a Time.
Hope you have a peace filled day, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
One of the things I've learned about my own recovery is that whne I got tired of being sick and tired, I got ready to go to any lengths and do whatever it took to live however different could be--as in, NOT how I'm living now. IF you're totally done being angry, sick of his crap, and COMPLETELY ready to LIVE, I suggest you STRONGLY think about WORKING the program. As in, with a sponsor. And a homegroup.
Lots of good stuff here, so I will just add that he can't ruin the party (or anything else) unless he is allowed to. Make sure that success or failure does not depend on what he does or does not do.
My husband worked out of town for most of the time the kids were growing up. When you add in his drinking, there were LOTS of times when he did not show up for a special occasion. The kids only make a big deal of it if YOU make a big deal of it. If you are matter of fact about it, they will learn to be. Your son is young enough that he gets his expectations of what a birthday party is from you - you know what kind of thing is likely or possible to go wrong, so don't set it up for failure.
My AH is a binge drinker also, making things harder because between binges you see the person you fell in love with, only to lose them over and over again with each episode. Lots of great info already said here but remember you have choices, and take the time to look after you.
