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My ex ah was here last night. He watches the kids while i work. So when i got here he was receiveing and sending all these text messages. But being very sneaky about it and then he always stays to watch Lost with me but he made some lame excuse about having to call his sponser and being tired and he left. Why this is bothering me so much i don't know. I don't like spending time with him, i have been because of the kids. Ideally he would be here for the kids and be a co-parent and he and i could be friendly but thats it. So maybe i'm getting my wish. But still that jelousy and desire for the drama is swirling within me. I think i need to set a boundry of no texting when around me in my home. I feel it is disrespectful and i would not do that to him. But to say that to him might open up a huge can of worms. He might see it for what it is....my jelousy...which he confuses for love...and then i'm right back where i don't want to be. I've felt like he is about to relapse and my plan b is to get a dog when he does. That would be a positive way for me to keep the focus off of him and also when he dumps the kids they would have a little soul to give their love and attention to. I miss my dogs very much. My mom took them when we had to move and i see them often but they are too big to have here in my tiny house. Maybe now is the time for me to go to the pound and find a new best friend....because i know i am not ready for a new human relationship. It's been a year and i've had some offers but i just don't think i can do it right and i am still scared of falling into the same patterns. My fear out weighs my desires. I guess i didn't expect these feelings to come up or be so strong. I hate this.
Keep in mind that boundaries only really work when they are about controlling our own behaviour, not that of someone else. Might be more useful just to say something like "Hey, c'mon, that's pretty rude. If you don't want to talk to me, go home so I can take a bath...." and then just let it go.
Manipulating, and trying to hide my true motivation, almost always blows up in my face, in my experience.
There are other types of human relationships besides romantic ones. A dog is of course always a good idea :) but what other things are you doing to keep the focus on you? Isolation is such a problem for most of us, even after the A is gone. Book club, bowling league, skydiving lessons.....is there something you want to do and never have? You can get out, meet some people, and find something to think about besides him, without it having to be too emotionally taxing. And, of course, your f2f meetings.
As usual I'm right where you're at Serendipity! I talked to my A on the chat the other night and haven't been right since. Also I feel that I want him to want me but don't want to want him! LOL Fact is I do want him tho I just want a him that I don't think really exists anymore. As for other relationships, I see others but am not planning on any serious commitment any time soon! Identify what is bothering you and work on it. you say you don't want him but if u didn't u wouldn't be jealous. tricky!
I look at it like this....Would I tell my friend to stop texting if they were in my home? Nope. I think telling someone what to do is rude especially if they are a guest in your home, it doesn't matter if it's your ex. Woman are territorial and that's just something that YOU need to work on. If he's moving on and has someone special then you need to be happy for him. You have to let go of control. If you like his company and so do the kids then you need to accept him for who he is (minus the drinking) As a dog owner, Dogs do not take the place of their father. My children still cry when he leaves. I can understand if you want a dog as a companion. When I am down and out I love kissing on my dogs. They are very therapuetic. Good luck on finding a dog. There is a site called Petfinders that will show you all the dogs in your area, all you have to do is put in your area code, you can even look for the breed of dog you want. Of course they have mixed breeds to. I have two golden retreivers and they are the best. :)
thanks y'all. My motives....that's a good one that I forgot. I called him this morning to see if he'd come over and watch the little one so i could drive the others to school. al least that's what I told myself I was calling for. He didn't answer and the next time I called he had shut his phone off. He was supposed to be here at 8 anyway so that I could drive him to work. He called and said he overslept and when I asked about the phone he said the battery was dying. Lie. His whole attitude was that of an active addict. The tone of his voice, his not being concerned about the kids. Overnight he relapsed right back to where he was in september. It was wierd. He acted as if he was still going to watch the kids tonight and I said "obviously you're doing something that is making you behave strangely so why don't you get yourself together and then we'll talk about you seeing the kids." He hung up on me. He has had his phone shut off since. That is what he does when he uses. My instincts are correct and he is using. I watched the relapse comming and here it is. doesn't make it any easier. I'm not that concerned myself, I feel awful about the kids. That is the only anger I have and it's mostly directed at myself for allowing him to get close to them again. I firmly believe that children need a father figure. What kind of father does this? Is super dad for months then disappears...no calls...no nothing? I know, lots of fathers do who have this disease. I am scared of dealing with the fall out with the kids. They are good kids...so far...my 12 yr old is failing everything at the moment but i know she'll turn it around before report cards. i hate being a single parent.
I am so sorry that you are going through this and know all too well how heartbreaking the effects of all of this has on the children. I agree with Lin (minus the sky diving...I'm such a chicken), try to focus on yourself. Make a list of all the things you like to do and start to do them. That has helped me and thereby, I believe, has helped my daughter.
What I'm hearing is that you're anxious about the secrecy and lying again. You're sick of the deciet and suspicious living habits. However you feel that could be addressed in your relationship, go for it.
Just want you to know I will be keeping you and your kids in my prayers. It is so hard to not get sucked back into the drama and ugliness of this disease. I hope you find just the perfect dog!!! Keep you eyes on God....
