The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone - I went to my first meeting last nite - there were about 7 other than me and a couple of them spoke about their A husbands and how they are still with them and some of the husbands are even sober now - I just left my A husband because i'm so fustrated and physcially and emoitionaly hurt and exhausted but I still love him so much and miss him more than I can say. Going into the the meeting I thought I didn't want him back but then when I heard the other ladies I thought maybe I could go back and things would be okay.... Am I nuts or is it normal to feel all this darn confusion and crazyness and doubtfullness?
All those feelings you are experiencing are in my opinion, absolutely typical of someone just entering recovery.
When I first came into the program I was still married but separated in the same house, if you understand what I mean, and soon after separated physically and divorced after that. I have been divorced for 2 years now. When I had been in the program for a short time I would see others that had marriages "in recovery". I would hear about situations that were far worse than my own marital problems had been and how with both spouses now working programs they had not only salvaged their relationships but how they were now better than they had ever been. This would make me so sad....start me down the path of "if only's". If only she had given us a little more time.... if only she had gone to AA sooner.....if only I had gone to Al-Anon sooner....if only..if only.. if only.
I also see those folks who have one of the partners working a program that stay together. They amazed me even more! How can they do it? Continue to live with that spouse who is still drinking, and find peace and contentment? There are many variations on the answer to that question...but, I think those that stay and are truly happy, embrace the principals of this program...work their side of the street and persevere!
I know it was nearly impossible for me to make a decision about the simplest of things, much less something really important when my own sickness was in complete control of me. But as I got a sponsor and started working steps and reading, reading reading! Things started changing inside of me.
I am learning to make a decision. I am learning when I make one to go with it and stop second, third and fourth guessing it.
I also learned that if it is my HP's will for something to come to pass for me, then it will. My sponsor used to tell me when my wife first left, if it is meant to be that the two of you are to be together, then it will happen when the time is right. In the mean time, she said, use this time apart to get yourself straightened out. Make myself better. So that when and if things roll back around with her, I will have a clear, healthy, non-codependent mind to think with!
Anyway, so proud of you for getting to that first meeting!
Keep coming back, the self doubt and confusion, will begin to replaced with much more useful things like self esteem and faith in our own ability to make decisions!
Completely normal. A'ism is a cunning and baffling disease, for him and you. It will trick you, give you hope, and take it away over and over. Al anon gives you the tools to deal with the chaos and take care of yourself. It is not a prescription for fixing your alcoholic. Only you can decide whether you want to work on saving your relationship. Take some time to learn and practice the lessons of al anon. As you learn to find peace and serenity you will also learn to make decisions with clarity. Keep on keepin' on!
Thanks for your words - what did you read? I just got the newcomers info last nite - is there something you recommend - there is another meeting Thursday at lunch - I'll go if I can get away from work - is there books there?
There should be books there - you can buy them, or many meetings have books that you can borrow, too. There should also be copies of the Forum, that is the magaizne, laying around for you to borrow.
I would say to read as much as you can. A daily reader such as Courage to Change is helpful to start changing your attitudes, and a basic book such as 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. You might want to read "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew - it is not an alanon book as such, and you can't get it at your meeting, but you can find it at the library. Most of us have foudn it very helpful.
Keep working on yourself, after a while you will gain some clarity.
You know when I read your first post I thought to myself "wow, this girl skipped alot of stress and did what needed to be done right away" I was very proud of you because you didn't leave yourself in a situation where your going to be verbally and mentally abused. Going back right now probably wouldn't do anything if he's still an active alcoholic. It's ok to love him, it's ok to even want him back. But you do NOT want the alcoholic and the disease around you. I'm not sure on the statistics but I'm pretty sure alot of them do not quit drinking. There are a few of us who's husbands are changing and are stopping (hopefully). I know with my situation I had to get the disease away from me because it was slowly taking me down with it. It was slowly poisoning me too. You can encourage him from afar and help him just as much that way. Keep going to those meetings and like I said before if it doesn't seem like the one for you keep looking until you find one that's better. (these are just my opinions take what you want and leave the rest)
Well Done for getting to your first meeting.... I know its a daunting experience....
There is a phrase from alanon "Take what you like and leave the rest" Basically means.....You Dont have to agree with everything that is said....it takes time for you to understand things, that other people say....Time and experience.....But the main thing in this programme is "PATIENCE".....It won't work over night...LOL
We all want recovery and we want it NOW....But I have been in al-anon 14 months and I'm only just beginning to get my head round lots of things....
You are very normal...Well as normal as any of us..lol Just take it "Easy"...
Come into the chatroom and join us..You can talk to the room, or to a one on one... This is a great help and lets you understand things. and ask questions, you maybe are not ready to ask at face to face...
Thanks - I think i know down deep it's a huge patience thing and you're right - I want to be fixed now-right now- this instant-in that meeting-on and on and on. thanks and tonite after work all go into the chat room and ask some questions, great to know I can do that. thanks.
If it helps you feel any better - I've been attending Al-Anon for over 3 yrs, working hard on my program of recovery - my AH has over 4 yrs of sobriety and some days I still don't know if I want to be in a relationship with him or not!!!!!
So I just keep working on me & know that I have the freedom to make choices. Today, I decide to be in a relationship and continue to work on me.
Glad you made it to your first meeting - that is a great big step. Our home group usually tries to encourage newcomers to try to make at least 6 meetings before deciding if the meetings are for you or not.
Hope you have a great day, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
When people share, IDEALLY, they share about themselves, their needs, their feelings. IDEALLY, they don't take other people's inventories. Wherever you're at in your path is where you're at. That some of these women suggested "going back" is their prospective. You have the right to be where you're at; if you want, you can say "In the future, I appreciate your feedback, but I would also appreciate it if you gave it to me in a different manner." It sounds like to me that these women didn't have a problem telling you how to work your program, and they really forgot how to work their own. Ooopsie! Just keep coming back. Keep being honest with yourself and with others. Don't worry about them. Just don't give up, k?
One very positive thing I have gotten from the program is learning to stop reacting. Sometimes things happen faster than we can absorb, and respond to - so we react, and flail, and try to take it all on at once and of course more keeps coming. I don't have to swing at every pitch - in fact if I do nothing at all I might get to first base on ball four without doing a thing. Stranger things have happened.
We all have our story, and that story is added to second by second, day by day. By sharing our experience, strength and hope, maybe we can see a pattern and gain some insight... but each of our experiences will be unique. Alcoholics do experience miraculous recoveries; and then again, most of them don't. There doesn't seem to be any way to tell - up front - how things will turn out. And ask the A who has been sober 10, 20, 30 years - you'll hear guys that got it on the first try, and guys it took 200 trys. Hitting bottom is relative. The alcoholic has to decide for himself when he's had enough. The rest of us well, we can't decide when the alcoholic has had enough, but we can decide when WE have had enough of the alcoholic! Out bottoms may be miles and miles apart... LOL.
Choosing to stay with or leave your A is a very personal decision with many reasons for doing either. I chose to stay with my AH, he is now in recovery. I went through that confusion alot...stay, go, stay go etc., even after I had a couple of yrs of recovery myself. This disease is alot of things and confusing is surely one of them...for the A and us! After you go to more f2f meetings and start talking with the others after meetings (that for me was what helped the most) you might get a better feel for why they made the decision they made. Again, it is a very personal decision and only you know what is right for you. There is no correct answer to the question of whether to stay or leave.
Ooopsie!