The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok, I have in the past 4 weeks been asked out 3 times by a lovely new gentleman friend. We have been out for coffee once. And the thought of possibly starting a new relationship, is both tempting but at the same time making me feel like running!
My very brief history.....married for 16 years to my AH, 3 children and then 4 years ago we separated. We have managed to become friends, when he is sober he is welcome to visit me and spend time with our children. As friends we get along great and neither of us have ventured into another relationship, until now.
I feel silly saying this but the thought of it frightens me, I keep thinking, what can this nice man see in me? This man is the complete opposite of my ex, he's a successful professional, fully committed to what he believes in, generous, honest, kind and compassionate. On paper I would be mad not to be interested, why am I so nervous about it???
Maybe your self confidence took such a hit in your marriage that you don't trust yourself and your reactions.
Maybe you were burned so bad you can't stand the thought of being hurt again.
Maybe you really DO see some red flags about this guy, and it is your better instincts guarding you.
Why not continue, for now, taking it very very slowly, only moving forward when you are completely ready? His reaction to this will tell you something about him that you need to know. too.
I feel the same Fear of Failure, Fear of making the wrong choice, Fear of getting attached and having your heart broken perhaps??? I am battling the same demons actually I guess it's only one FEAR!!!
I asked this same question to my sister in law and she made a very valid point. When we live with an alcoholic there is always excitement going on (even though it's miserable) there's always something. When we get into a normal relationship or a healthy one we start to get bored or start wondering things. It's like we feel we need to cause chaos or some kind of excitement or we feel something is just "not right". That's why the alcoholism makes us who are around it sick as well because we now have to learn to live without it in our lives, we have to learn what's normal again. If your having self esteem issues then you need to go out and do something good for yourself. Go excersice, go get a tan, go buy a new outfit. Did you ever think that maybe you're a great person? We all have something to offer another person. Just sit back and relax and enjoy that he likes you for what you are. Lots of love to you.
No sweetie, it's not crazy! It shows you're being honest! That's FANTASTIC! I encourage you to go with it. KEep with your program. Enjoy yourself. And if, the time should come when "it just doesn't work," you learned from this relationship, too, right? One of the useful things my father DID teach me () was "you can't win if you don't play. And even if you lost, you tried." Have fun. Be a teenager. Get dressed up. Wear make up. Make mistakes. Put on perfume. And don't forget the high heels.
For now, I have the courage to go and have some fun, I will move slowly, but I deserve to enjoy myself.
I should listen to my own advice! My 18yo daughter has a boyfriend (the same age) who sees their relationship as forever, marriage, babies, the whole shebang! I advise them both, to enjoy today and just have fun!
I need to listen to myself! Simply enjoy the moment and not project past relationship failure into this new friendship. And friendship with this man is good for now, I will let it develop as it may. I am seeing him later today.
When I waver, I will be back to read your encouraging thoughts.
I will remember the heels and perfume Tiger!!!! Lol!
Yes, Feather, I have some thoughts on this. Relax and enjoy this new gentleman for what he is; someone whose company you enjoy and who enjoys yours in return. Allow it to evolve slowly, expecting nothing more than a casual friendship. Stay around and see what happens.
Quoting my favorite poem, "Desiderata," "Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass."
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
there is certainly much wisdom in the responses you have here. ya know, a pretty common theme among us alanonics is that our self-esteem took a nose-dive throughout our relations with our A. sometimes, we just have to tell ourselves, "hell yes, we are worth it!"
at the same time, we are now older and wiser -- and to dismiss the lessons of the past would be foolish. for me, i can see a trend of people that i dated -- i tried to rescue, like the good codependent i am -- always seemed to find that "project". i hope, with program in the forground, that i will find someone with honesty and integrity, all the while keeping a sharp lookout for those red flags. relationships are work, sometimes it's mine and sometimes it's theirs -- but to let my fears get the best of me means i stop living life.
listen to your heart and your Higher Power, and HAVE FUN -- YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!
with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Feather....love the name bye the way :)....there is a line in co-dependant no more that struck me...."When Prince Charming actually does come I don't want to be down at the pond kissing frogs".....a change like this might be good! Don't be afraid of the positive qualities. also, i hate that feeling i can get when i am hypervigilant and everything can seem like a red flag or a gut feeling....i also like other's advice that they have given me here...take it easy.. move slowly...whether setting boundaries, making changes, or trying new things....do it all with small steps, that way if a "mistake" is made it is a small one and more easily recovered from. love fifi
I asked this same question to my sister in law and she made a very valid point. When we live with an alcoholic there is always excitement going on (even though it's miserable) there's always something. When we get into a normal relationship or a healthy one we start to get bored or start wondering things. It's like we feel we need to cause chaos or some kind of excitement or we feel something is just "not right". That's why the alcoholism makes us who are around it sick as well because we now have to learn to live without it in our lives, we have to learn what's normal again.
That's FANTASTIC! 
) was "you can't win if you don't play. And even if you lost, you tried." Have fun. Be a teenager. Get dressed up. Wear make up. Make mistakes. Put on perfume. And don't forget the high heels.
