The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My 25 yr old son was recently jailed for failure to pay his first DUI ticket. I had been paying his rent, having been assured that he was concentrating on paying off the ticket. The pain and shock that he has been lying is so unwelcome, yet so necessary for my recovery. I have lost three of my nine siblings to bi-polar/drug/alcohol realities. I am ready to move forward and will never give up hope for Billy's future. I am just not powerful enough to change his life, and I am finally going to join AL-ANON: today. Thank for listening.
Requiem
I tell myself I couldn’t have loved you more
I realize that I should have loved you less
Little boy gone from me
Sad adolescent no longer listening
Man who hurts his mother
I am finished.
In my prim black blazer I went to jail
And asked to see my son
The destination of our journey
Came to be a glass window with a fat lady behind it who said no.
She stood between us resolutely
And made it very easy for me to walk away.
I didn’t come to rescue you.
I had gathered all my strength for the final humiliation.
I needed to be strong enough to look into your handsome eyes like mine
and tell you we were over.
How humbling to recognize that you have spurned my greatest gift.
Your life.
I can no longer assist you in your need to destroy yourself.
You are so distant, so long gone, so far away from me, that I couldn’t even locate you to tell you I have left your path.
I don’t think you will notice.
You will fill my absence with your anger well up old wounds I never healed.
Your battle is between you and you and you and you and there is no other human who can transcend the disagreement and make you peaceful, my son.
There is a cemetery in my soul.I go there and I grieve for people who destroyed themselves.But, I would lose my sister, I would lose my brothers, I would lose the three of them a hundred times forever.And I would live the days I lost them over and over and over again if it was possible to trade that pain for you to live your life.
For certain, so sadly, there are no such deals, no negotiation of sibling for son my boy.
And so, I grieve for you, for me, for every possibility you decided not to take.
I am sorry that I confused you with my mothering……….I didn’t know what else to do.
I'm so sorry for your pain - what a beautiful, yet sad requieum to your son. I wish you the best in your recovery. I am glad you found MIP and hope that you will also find a face to face meeting in your area. When I first came here, it was recommended to me that I try alanon for six months. That I try to go to six different face to face meetings before choosing one. I am still very new to recovery, but following that information and the love and support that I have received here has helped me a great deal.
Thank you very much for your kindness............I will take your advice and try several places........right now, I am still feeling like curling up and grieving, which somehow feels like the right thing to do. Glad I wrote the poem and moved those thoughts from my head. I can make room for the joy for all of the lovely gifts in my life...
Your story and your poem touched me - my own children are teens, and have not yet (Thank God) shown any sign of following in their father's footsteps. I need to know, however, that the chance is always there, and love and enjoy every healthy moment with them.
