The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a 57 year old woman who has never drunk alcohol, simply because it makes me nauseaus. In 2000 I remet my high school boyfriend and to make a long story short I moved back to Georgia from California where I had lived for 25 years and we got married. He is an attorney and I work full time as a paralegal. He had always been a drinker, but pretty much kept it under control - a couple before dinner, and maybe a bit more at a party, etc. In 12/05 I was diagnosed with lung cancer and underwent surgery to remove part of my left lung, 4/06 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a lumpectomy and radiation, in 7/06 I was diagnosed with lung cancer in the other lung and underwent surgery. I now have 2 precancerous spots in my esophagus and am having them burned off with a laser on 4/10. During the course of my illnesses my husband has become a full blown alcoholic. He hasn't worked in 6 months and is looking to me to support him, which I am not willing to do.In November he was put in the hospital in detox because he had drunk so much that his bone marrow had stopped producing red blood cells and he was severely anemic. As soon as his blood was back to normai he headed right for the liquoer store. This culminated with him getting so drunk he would get up in the night, fall and not be able to get up, lose control of his bowels, etc. I gave him an ultimatum that I would leave him and he would never see me again if he didn't stop drinking. Saturday marked 3 days sober, but I'm afraid it won't last because he's doing it so I won't leave him rather than because he wants to. Can anyone help me? I'm at the end of my rope.
I am sure you will get many replies. The thing that came to my mind was this saying that you hear so much here.
Say what you mean Mean what you say but Don't say it mean
To me it says not to make any threats that I do not intend to follow through on and to say it when I am not angry so I know and the A knows that you mean it.
Hi Chech, and welcome to MIP. Remember, dear one, when you voice an ultimatum, you must be prepared to follow up. They catch on to the empty threats in a hurry!!! And remember...his alcoholism is NOT your fault.
The important thing now is for you to take proper care of yourself. Your health issues must be addressed to the exclusion of his drinking problem. AlAnon meetings in your area will be of invaluable help in coming to grips with how to take care of YOU. Attend if you can. Keep coming back here where you will find people who care and understand. My prayers and positive thoughts will be with you as you prepare to undergo your treatment on April 10th.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
hi, hon, to put it simply him staying sober means about zero. drinking is only one tiny symptom of his alcoholism.
Ultimatums do not work at all. In fact it can make them resentful and much worse. He has a horrible disease, not unlike what you go thru. It is not curable, he cannot just stop it.
You are right, he won't get on program and stick with it unless he wants to. But he may really want to.
Yet you saying he expects you to support him, shows his selfishness, arrogance, lack of love etc. all the horrible symptoms of alcoholism. Just not using.... see what I mean?
Only you know what boundaries you can live with. I tell ya, I cannot help it, it angers me to know the disease is hurting you so much when you are already living with cancer. Please, please do what is best for YOU.
Do you have any family that can help you? I mean to go to your procedures and support you?
I hope you keep coming back. We already care more than you can ever imagine.
Hi Debilyn, That's one of the hardest things, neither of us has any family and it would be very difficult, at this point, for me to live alone because of my health issues. my h. is an Attorney, very successful at one point, and we have the big house, the BMW's, etc., but he's beem drunk for the past six months with no income coming in, and he expects me to maintain that lifestyle and it is literally impssible. I've already lent him about $7,000, before I wised up that he wasn't going to work as long as I was giving him money, and I won't give him another penny. he works from home and God knows what he does during the day when I'm working.
