The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It moves like a lightening bolt. I feel like I'm back where we started when my AH drinking got out of control. Looking back on our five year history, we have gone through periods of sobriety, him being in the program but only working it half-heartedly. Me controlling or attempting to control every situation. Yelling and screaming at him about his irresponsible behavior. Praying and hoping that he would wake up and want to change his life.
For a while it seemed like he was really making progress in healing. He was sober off alcohol, not using any other substances. We were in counseling and he was beginning to grow. I was feeling healthier. I would catch a glimpse of the me that I like more often.
In the last four to six weeks, he went from using nothing, to smoking one joint a day, to smoking more and more and more. Its not uncommon for him to smoke 4-6 joints a day or whatever they use to burn that crap. It is so bothersome to watch someone smoke that much. I just don't want to be around it anymore. That was the same aversion I had to his drinking. It just repulsed me after a while to even watch him drink a beer, the smell alone would make me sick. This aversion is not with anyone else, just his drug and alcohol use. The old behaviors are coming back. Spending money that we don't have to feed the addiction. The irrational conversations, the paranoia, the anger. Its all back in full force. Last night I was in the bedroom watching a movie, he slipped out of the house and took my car to go to a friends house without even saying goodbye. He called me on my cell phone to say he'd be back soon. I knew he went there to get pot. He went without pot all day hoping that he'd be able to stop completely and get on mood stabilizers eventually. His plan was to get sober for week before going to the psychiatrist office. He could barely function all day. He said he was edgy, feeling angry for no reason, anxious, and he just couldn't interact with me or the family. He said he feels he needs the medication to assist him in getting off marijuana.
However, just give me one more week of using so we can afford the doctor visit. He admitted that he just replaced marijuana for alcohol. So if they "know" this why do they prolong their use? I'm having a hard time detaching from this again, its consuming me. I'm sad for what my husband and friend is going through. He wants to be a normal person, and have the high too. Its just not possible for him. He won't try AA again. His faith in HP is questionable at this time. He'd be willing to do outpatient treatment, mood stabilizers, and therapy. Maybe one day he'll wake up and realize that HP was taking care of him all this time.
I'm just feeling overwhelmed and feeling like I need medication just to get through this, to get through my day without worrying or crying, or getting agitated at the children for small things. I haven't felt good about myself in a couple of months. How did things get so turned around? How did they go from being hopful and happy to feeling bleak and long? Like I just want the day to end and its barely started. This is not my life? I'll tell myself, this isn't what I wanted. This is what I settled for, I chose it, in hope of course that recovery would continue. Now I feel like I'm losing my mind, like I'm this messed up that I need medication.
I think I need a meeting. I need something to turn off this brain of mine. Addiction sucks, plain and simple. If I could grab my hands around addiction's throat and choke the crap out of it I would, but I can't see it, I only see what it does to my husband and my family.
Well, that's my rambling for today, just needed to get that out. Hope everyone has a good day.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
twinmom2 wrote: I think I need a meeting. I need something to turn off this brain of mine. Addiction sucks, plain and simple. If I could grab my hands around addiction's throat and choke the crap out of it I would, but I can't see it, I only see what it does to my husband and my family.
Amen & Amen.
I feel this way too somedays - like you, that is when I know I need a meeting, need to call someone, read some literature, and especially do some self-care.
Hate so much that you are in a household with active use. Hate that the disease is hurting you & your family. Please know that I'm praying for you & your family.
Love & Hugs, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I understand what you are going through. This is what happens so often in the midst of active addiction. We keep trying to understand, but often there is no sense to be found. We spend so much of our precious energy trying to work it all out.
It would appear the addiction has him gripped. It is hard to understand his behaviour when this is what is happening. I know this is overwhelming for you and hard to get through. However, I know you are strong and make good choices. I've seen you do it here.
Take care of you and your children, sending you my prayers AM
I could have written this ten times over. I am so sorry you are in so much pain. The disappointment and then the anger at myself was too consuming. I was where you are in December and still feel phyically ill every morning when I get up, its like, are you kidding me, wasnt it just a nightmare?
One day at a time. It works. One second at a time. You need to take care of you. He will certainly take care of his "need" without care or consequence. I envy the alcoholic for that, sick isn't it? I often think if I took care of my needs the way my AH takes care of his own I would be happier.
I remember being at my breaking point where you are. It's so hard and confusing. You have to regain control over yourself. Do NOT let his addiction make you sick as well. Those children need at least one stable and healthy parent. They are your focus. They need you so much. You can protect them. I don't have any experience with pot use. Only alcholism. It just sounds like your ah doesn't care. He needs meetings or couseling. I hope he wakes up and finds a way out of this madness before he loses everything that could be important to him. God Bless you. Lots of love ^i^
