These past two weeks I have had a hard time detaching from the A. As you know I am in the middle of yet another job search.  I have a job, albeit very rudimentary and 2 days off in the week to look for work.  As normal the A does no housework to speak of. He can't lift a cup, sweep a floor, pick up nothing.  So it ends up that I spend a considerable amount of what time I have left to keep the house from falling apart.

When he washes his clothes he makes a huge production out of it.

I have allowed him to get to me over the past 2 weeks.  I have been going on interviews but I have not till today been making the effort to put out all the resumes I need and focusing on what I need to do. I've fallen back on on the old resentment trap.  I also have felt fed up with his irritability and demands.  Now I am back using the tools, the house is still a mess, he offers nothing, nada beyond the most basic.  He never has except at the very very beginning of our relationship then he couldn't do enough.  Now he can't do anything.  Black and white, all or nothing but I feel I'm the one who gets nothing all the time.  And now I can say quite firmly this is not enough.   What's more I can take actions to move myself away from it.

I can when I use the tools be decisive, careful, calculated and focus on me. If I let go of them I'm back to resentment and being paralyzed with depression.  I just have to stop for a few days and it all piles up and I am back to the starting point again.

I've spent a good two hours this morning before I went to work putting out those resumes and setting goals. I feel less panicked, depressed alone.  I accept the house is a mess and he isn't going to do a thing about it.  I let it go.  I cant' make him become a human being. 

I'm going to work with a good attitude.  I don't need to call my friend and sound off.  I just need to focus on what do I need to do today and my goals for the next week. One step at a time I'll make it beyond these obstacles.

Maresie.