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Just looking for input here. What would you do if you knew you alcoholic husband was drinking on the job? If he is job involved other peoples lives?? Would you go to the supervisor and thell them or would you just let it go because eventually they will find out. I am very confused over this...as I think he should be resonsible for his own behavior but if something happens and I didn't tell.....I would feel so guilty. Any thoughts are appreciated.
This is my opinion only . . . you've already answered your question.
You could anonymously inform his boss or supervisor, or even one of his co-workers.
I think there are times when we are given an opportunity to make a difference in our A's disease, few and far between, but perhaps this is one. The way the laws are these days, he couldn't be fired, he would be sent to treatment in order to keep his job.
How will it impact your family if he were to lose the job? Could you support the family yourself? Lots of questions to answer for yourself.
You are a good person to care about what may happen to others b/c of your A's drinking on the job. You are already getting outside yourself with concern for others. I am impressed, knowing how terrible living with an A is, that you are concerned for others in spite of how awful it must be for you, too. Bless you.
I was in the same situation last summer. My AH started a new job and started drinking 4 days into it. Once he started, he couldn't stop; he was drinking before he left the house in the morning, and just continuing through the day.
Since he was working in a setting that involved kids and school buses (he was NOT driving one, though) I made up my mind that I had to call his new boss and let him know what was going on. I knew that if anything happened to a child as a result of his drinking, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for not speaking up.
That same morning, he was fired for being intoxicated on the job. They had figured it out without my help. However, this was the 3rd time he lost a job because of drinking, and the other two took a LOT longer to figure out. I didn't feel compelled to share the information with his previous bosses because he didn't appear to be endangering anyone else.
Keep coming back - you're not alone, and no matter how horrible the situation you're facing is, someone here has probably already survived it and can offer their experience, strength and hope.
I hate so much that this disease has put you in this situation. This must be very painful for you.
There are a few options that I would possibly consider . . .
Is there a time that you can talk to my AH that he is not "under the influence"? Can you confront him about his unsafe behaviors? That he is putting other people's lives at stake? (Of course, only you know if it is appropriate to talk to him about this - some A's you can discuss these things with, some you can't because they become irritable & even violent. Always, error on the side of safety's sake-have a trusted family member or friend with you if possible)
If the first is an option, can you tell him that if he is unable to stop his unsafe behaviors, you feel that you have an obligation to protect the public from his unhealthy behaviors & will be reporting his unsafe behavior to the property authority? (Again, during the active yrs in my household this would have not been a safe thing for me to say to my AH. Please don't if your safety may be at risk)
Do others at work know about his alcoholism? Is there someone at his work that you can trust to maintain your anonymity if you report it? Have you started a Plan B for you in case he does loose his job?
Pray to the God of your understanding - seek direction from your HP - only your HP knows what is best for you & your AH.
Will continue to keep you & your AH in my prayers, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You really are in a difficult position, although it's the A's problem yet again.
I can understand your concerns, his employers will pick up on his alcoholism sooner than you think, and they will have to make a decision, not you.
You never know maybe something positive could come out of this. His employers may have a policy, that he would be supported to seek help for his alcoholism, and not lose his job.
thank you everyone for your input. my AH is law enforcement and this decision is waying very heavy on my heart. While I don't have make enough money to fully support us, I do have some income. I am going to school right now and training for a new career in which I will be able to support myself I am also putting money away in a secret account. Yes...I am going to pray on this so more...but I also worry about the other people at work, and the people on the road driving. Any other thoughts are appreciated. But, I do also think that if it would get in help that it would be worth it...if they just find out he could lose his 20 yr career....it is just so sad to watch the man I married turn into this. But, I am sure you all know that.
Barb, that's where I get confused too...I keep telling myself it is not my issue and that it is his responsibilty and when they find out they can deal with it...but I don't want anyone else to get hurt because of it....but too that would lie in his lap....not mine. Thanks...
SS-I'm sorry you have to be put in this situation. I don't really have any advice, just support. I recently found out that the job my husband supposedly was laid off from he really quit because they caught him drinking at work. His boss came in to talk to him and my H said I'm not going to admit anything, here's my resignation. This happend 2 years ago and he just told me the truth a few weeks ago. He also said that they couldn't have fired him from the job, but he'd have to admit he had a problem and get help. He chose quitting, leaving us with 0 income, because I was a stay at home mom for our three kids. I ended up having to go back to work while pregnant and working through my whole pregnancy and going back to work when my son was only 3 weeks old. I know that if I would've realized that my h had a drinking problem and he was drinking at work i wouldn't have told anyone at work. But I have my own problems to deal with My husband also worked with computers, not people, so that makes a difference. But then he was also drunk when he drove home after work, so I don't know. It's a hard place to be in. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice, but just know that you're not alone, and you're in a good place here. Keep coming back!
Just another thought . . . Barb is right, in a field like law enforcement, his drinking will NOT go unnoticed.
But oh, I understand feeling responsible to tell. The truth is, and you said it yourself, if an innocent person is hurt because of him, it is not because you didn't tell his employer. Telling his employer is not going to prevent your A from hurting someone. It is all on him. I didn't really see the difference when I first posted, but now I do.
Thanks for helping me see that one, and keep taking good care of yourself.
Well, law enforcement is kinda famous for turning a blind eye to it, unfortunately. These days, though, the unions have made things a bit better - he would probably be offered help, and only lose his career if he refused it. That part of it is really not yours - he has made the choice to endanger his career, not you.
In professions with an alcoholic culture - the military is another one - this could turn out badly for you. You may risk your marriage, the family's livelihood, your safety, only to have your warnings ignored. Possible that the superior officer you report it to is another A.
One thing you might want to try - you probably have access through his work to some sort of counselling service. These are supposed to be arms length - they are bound by confidentiality and can't tell anything you don't give them permission to. They would have some backgoround on the workplace cuture though, and could offer you helpful advice. Another place to look for help is your clergyman, if you have one. They are trained in dealing with difficult personal problems, and also are usually confidential.
Alanon tells us "Not to cover up for anyone’s mistakes or misdeeds; Not to create a crisis; Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events."
However, because the safety of others is involved, it's not so cut and dried.
thank you everyone for the responses...I had a interesting dream last night that to me says alot. I was sitting in a room and looked to the back of the room and it was covered with piles of cat poop (sorry to be so graffic) and all I could think to myself was I have got to clean that all up before someone else sees it ( it was not even my house) and when everyone left the room I proceeded to clean it all up. Well....that dream is BIG for me...I have always wanted the control, the thought that if I take care of things all will be OK or no one else will know about it. This dream showed me enough already, I can't control everyone else, I can keep picking up everyone elses crap, it's not my problem...it's like a AHA moment for me.
So thank you everyone, because had I not posted this message ang got it out of me...I don't know that I would of have that dream...it was what I needed to hear.
I could relate to that dream - I would have wanted to clean that mess up also!!
Strange how our HP can use something like cat poop to give us those AHA moments?? Just recently, one of our other members had an AHA moment on a Ski slope. Truly let us know our HP meets us wherever we are at the time we need Him.
Hope you have a day filled with serenity, joy & love, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
