The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH is gone. That's sad. For me. For him. For our son.
But the shift I am already noticing in myself is something I couldn't have predicted. How ironic. The AH's wife (me), who has been queen of manipulation trying to predict the outcomes, found a gift in the outcome when she stopped trying to predict them!!!
It's only been a week. And all the times before of "throwing him out" were always twinged with a hope that maybe this time he'll think I am serious and he'll do something really great with himself.....
This time, was different, for me. I meant it. I wasn't throwing him out to be manipulative. I asked him to leave, because it just needed to be that way. I now go to bed at night with a huge list of emotions and fears, but what is gone from that list is a feeling of disappointment and self-loathing in the way I behaved and reacted to my AH. What a wonderful thing. I think about my bright future; one way or another it will be great. Instead of worrying about one day being in the future that I never wanted.
My AH and I have not talked at all. He hasn't asked or talked about seeing our son. When I get caught up in my disappointment and sadness in that, I tell myself that I can't control the kind of father AH is or will be.
When I begin my strategizing to get a certain outcome (things my way) I tell myself that none of it worked before, you are powerless over this dis-ease, work on you. And I do.
things are beginning to shift, and never in my wildest dreams did I think I was going to enjoy that. I thought I'd get through it, but enjoy it? Wow...what a gift.
Gosh there are some days when I just want that kind of space from the A. I am not suprized your A has not called. I think there are certain points in their disease when they just become totally self absorbed. There is nothing else but feeling sorry for themselves.
Im dealing with an A who just is totally immersed in self pity and I think it is very very difficult. Today I am going off to work and hoping that will give me some sense of space and time to breathe. I sometimes feel absolutely suffocated by his sense of self pity and poor meing.
I get very very very frustrated with it. At the same time I no longer let the resentment crush me. I used to be totally suffused in it. These days I can let some of it go.
I am glad you are not totally immersed in your situation anymore.
I went great guns at the beginning of this year on my plan b. I had such hopes I would sail through it. Now I am back to the nitty gritty and it is hard going. At the same time every day I detach even more. I also really am coming to the point where I no longer love the A. I want reciprocal love. I don't have that. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be given to. I have none of that with the A. He can't give. He is too self absorbed. He can't give anything not even a second.
Dear Rora - We are much in the same boat. My AH has been gone since Monday @ 4:00 PM. I never actually said "Get Out." I just told him I couldn't do it any more...pretend everything was alright just b/c he was home and not on a binge. I have spent a year building up to this point and now he is gone. Guess what? He hasn't bothered to call me or the kids either. Heck, as far as I know, he hasn't called any one. He is on a binge. I heard he was at the house he always goes to when getting high. And I don't care. Nope not any more. I am making plans for me & the kids and living my life again....once in for all. I feel FREE to live again. Thanks for posting. Sincerely, QOD :)
Good for you, Rora. I moved out on my AH and I'm happier than ever. He does tell me that I was his whole world and now it's all gone, but his whole world was drinking-it was never me, but that's okay. My focus is on my son now and that's where it should've been for years. I don't worry about the guilt trips my AH tries to put on me. He made his choice and I finally followed through on my threat of leaving him. I can't count how many times I threatened to leave him and never did! The THOUGHT of actually leaving was scarier than actually leaving. Good luck for you and your son. Lindy
I have been there, for the last year. And there will be times that get lonely, that your mind drifts into the what-ifs.. memories of times when they had actually been a good father.. There have been times where I got into so much denial of how much pain I had been in that one phone call from him could pull me back in. I think that is much like how it is for them if they were to go cold turkey -one sip and you're hooked back in. Please stay strong and continue to focus on you. I very much regret the times that I got strong then ended up giving him the time of day and wound up worse than before. Backsliding is *horrible*, trust me. Sticking to your guns is truely 'one day at a time'. And you have done it for a week - that deserves definite kudos.
